Social Question

meagan's avatar

When do you "defriend" someone?

Asked by meagan (4650points) June 10th, 2010

What would cause you to stop talking to someone?
I’ve been having some problems lately with a “friend” of mine, and I’m trying to make sure that these reasons are good enough to leave the entire situation behind me.

This girl moved to Arkansas from Idaho to marry her now husband. But she posts a lot of things on facebook about how terrible it is here, how everyone is racist and homophobic, etc. How Idaho is so much better, yadda yadda yadda. Not like that wasn’t enough to upset me, but this girl is “artsy”. I’ve shown her a few cultural appreciation websites, and instead of learning a lesson from them… shes taken to taking photos of herself in black face and rainbow war paint.
Oh its giving me acid reflux. How do you cut someone like this out of your life? Surely these are good reasons, right?

I just need that extra little push to do it. I don’t think I’ll regret this, but wow is it stressing me out.

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37 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

If the friendship is causing more stress than happiness and you see no way to reconcile or (or have no desire to do so), it’s time to move on from it. There are a few ways to do it. You could be blunt with her and just tell her that you feel like the two of you have drifted apart since she moved and that you no longer wish to speak to her. You could also just stop talking to her. If you wanted to do it slowly, you could start by “hiding” her on Facebook or you could just delete her as a friend. It just depends on how clean of a break you want from her.

Personally, I would just stop talking to her and let things go from there. That way there isn’t a confrontation about it.

meagan's avatar

@Seaofclouds It just really upsets me. She lives about an hour away, and I JUST made a trip to go see her. Now shes acting like a completely different person. But the entire “black-face” situation is completely and totally disgusting. I can’t ever go back from that.

TriflinTriscuit's avatar

Nothing is forcing you to be friends with anyone. People distance themselves gradually (or rapidly) from people for MUCH less. If she gives you a great reason to be friends with her again after the distancing, you can always give her another chance. Nothing is set in stone.

Randy's avatar

I recently had to cut ties with a friend because… well… she’s crazy. Plus her husband was jealous of me being a male friend and that made things difficult. If the bad out weighs the good, kick ‘em to the curb I say.

And what’s so wrong about Arkansas? I like it here. Tell you’re “friend”, if she doesn’t then she can go somewhere else.

MacBean's avatar

I just need to say there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing great about Idaho, so this “friend” is nuts.

perspicacious's avatar

You don’t need validation. If you no longer feel you want to be a friend to him/her, stop associating with him/her.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Perhaps the answers to this question will be helpful to you, as it’s somewhat similar.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I think I share views with your friend so I’m biased – but if you think these are good reasons to cut someone out of your life, by all means – to be honest, you’re not such hot stuff yourself if you’re so judgmental of her for not wanting to be around racists or homophobes and you pigeonhole her into that ‘artsy’ box (then invalidate her self-expression) quite fast.

stardust's avatar

@perspicacious is absolutely right. If you feel strongly enough about it to have posted this topic, then perhaps your friendship has outgrown itself.

meagan's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir You’re the judgmental one, attacking me for this. Shes blatantly “artsy” and labels herself so. Shes constantly in a state of “trying to be cool” (literally her words, not mine).
And by the way, She isn’t around any racists or homophobes. Except for her HUSBAND. But if you want to blame the entire state on that, by all means do so.
But I shouldn’t have to explain any of this, should I. You already know everything about the situation.

Silhouette's avatar

Monkeys throw poop at each other, this might not work on Facebook. I suppose you could stop responding to this person, click the “I’m not your friend anymore” button.

mollypop51797's avatar

I think the best thing now is leave her alone. You both need time away from eachother. No one can say ow long it’ll be, but you both need some space to breathe, and as hard as this may be for you,l, if you want to save your friendship the best thing now is to just let it go and leave it alone. And, when you feel that you have had enough time away (time to process your thoughts, and decide what steps you want to take in the future etc) then you can give her a call and see how she’s doing. But for now, just make some breathing space.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@meagan I don’t understand what ‘blatantly artsy’ means and I am not trying to antagonize you ( I have no clue who you are, after all) – I am just responding to your words and explaining my perception. My apologies if you simply wanted people to tell you that you’re right.

zenele's avatar

Actually, @meagan I have to agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir – but I won’t attack you. Instead, I will take into consideration that you are only “newly 21” as you have written, and that we haven’t interfaced much – so I don’t really know you.

But to answer your question – I was considering “defriending” you after your last post about “jewing.” First, becuase of the insensitivity of what you’d wrotyen, second because you ignored my question to you and third – because I’d rather communictae with someone who says racist things out of ignorance but is willing to learn, than someone who is just ignorant. And age, isn’t a factor here.

You have an opportunity to rectify and clarify, or “defriend”, as you asked in your question.

(And yes, I have read the details of your question. It was coincidental I happened upon it and seized the “opportunity.” I hope you take all this proportionately.)

meagan's avatar

@zenele What was wrong about my “jewing” answer? I Just said it wasn’t offensive, and instead was rather distasteful. Excuse me for not staying online. I didn’t even see your comment until now. lol

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I’m sorry. But shes trying to make this art.
There is no way in hell that I’m wrong about this being offensive lol.

And everyone, I deleted her yesterday. So… congrats to myself for standing up for something I thought was wrong. Also, thanks for the replies. It was nice to have some supportive people to give me a little extra push. Its hard for me to let go of people that I hold close to me. No matter how inappropriate they act.

zenele's avatar

@meagan If you read the thread a little before answering that “you” do not find a racial slur offensive when you are not the one who could be offended, then you make the mistake of doubling the insult. If an African American said he finds the term “Nigger” to be offensive, and explains why – as do 15 other people in that thread – then you can’t just say “No, it’s just distasteful – it’s not offensive.”

Damn straight its offensive: all the Jews and Non-Jews in that thread even explained why it is before you even came on and said it’s just distasteful.


meagan's avatar

@zenele Sorry. Like I said earlier, I don’t sit on the internet all day. I don’t have time to sit on here and read every reply. Please, excuse me.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@meagan 1. Your link didn’t work. 2. If you’re on Fluther and are contributing, you should read every reply that concerns you.

Silhouette's avatar

@meagan I give you permission to use Fluther the way you see fit, if you want to just read part of your responses, you should. They even have a button to help you do this, it’s the stop following button and I have pushed it many times, my head didn’t explode and I haven’t been lynched by an angry mob, yet.

Silhouette's avatar

@zenele “If an African American said he finds the term “Nigger” to be offensive, and explains why – as do 15 other people in that thread – then you can’t just say “No, it’s just distasteful – it’s not offensive.”

Yes, she can, you and the 15 others may not agree with her, but she can say it if that’s what she thinks.

zenele's avatar

Disagree.^^ Technically, you’re right – she of course can write whatever she wants write whatever the mods will allow – however – huge however – we are also a community; Jews and all.

Silhouette's avatar

Mods allow all kinds of things which some people find distasteful. I find it distasteful when members of this huge however community gang up and browbeat a new however member. Like has been done to Meagan here.

Simone_De_Beauvoir intentionally flamed the girl when she said “you’re not such hot stuff yourself ” then she took another little bite out of the girl with this sarcastic little gem “My apologies if you simply wanted people to tell you that you’re right.”

You lent your support to Simone_De_Beauvoir but vowed “but I won’t attack you.” Then you in fact did attack “Damn straight its offensive: all the Jews and Non-Jews in that thread even explained why it is before you even came on and said it’s just distasteful.


You also carried it over to the other question.

Granted both you and Simone_De_Beauvoir were somewhat subtle but there is little doubt that the girl is under attack. She is even getting scolded for not responing to a comment, her first apology for not responding was 1. ignored her second apology was 2. mocked.

I assume you are trying to enlighten this girl, teach her how words can hurt and to consider others feelings before she speaks?

You can’t teach her to stop hitting by kicking the shit out of her. Ooooommmm

zenele's avatar

Hey ^^

She’s been here for 6 months – she’s not new. Just young.
She’s entitled to her opinion, and decided to defend it. Me too.
No-one ganged up on her. My voice and Simone’s seperated very quickly – I was specifically talking about how she made light of a racist slur.
I pretty much disagree with everything else you wrote.
I have never spoken to you before, so I’ll just leave it at that.

Silhouette's avatar

@zenele Yeah, I pretty much disagree with everything you just wrote too.

She wasn’t the only one who made light of racial slurs I’ll quote yours back to you…

“Here are two relatively newly minted expressions using the word Jew – for your linguistic pleasure:

Freshly squeezed orange jews

Big hairy ugly Jew? Jewbacca.

zenele (3712)“Great Answer” (0) Flag as… ¶

Seems it’s funny when you do it but not so much when others do it.

“I have never spoken to you before, so I’ll just leave it at that” you wish.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Silhouette Well thank god she’s got you to help her through his ‘attack’ that, ps., has nothing to do with @zenele and I ‘working together’ – oh, the conspiracy…run, everyone, run!

zenele's avatar

The Dynamic Duo ^^ Can I be nipple Robin?

Seriously, @Silhouette – have you never heard of self-deprecating humour? Do you not think I timed that joke? Have you not read anything I’ve written before, any of the Israel threads of late – any of my nearly 500 questions?

I’ll leave it at a that as in I guess we’ll agree to disagree.

meagan's avatar

You guys really need to find something better to do.

Silhouette's avatar

Well looky at you two, Zenele how many times do you intend to leave it at that? So far I count two.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I never said conspiracy or that you were “working together” you said that.

Meagan really didn’t need any help defending herself from the attack she handled herself and you two beautifully all by her lonsome.

Me being here was strictly to say what I had to say.

zenele's avatar

Zap. Pow. Zap. Leave it at that.

Silhouette's avatar

That makes three.

zenele's avatar


zenele's avatar

Holy Silhouete, Batman – she’s gaining on us.

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] That’s enough, folks. Please get back to the topic at hand.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

I’m really forgiving with people because I’ll try to see if it’s just them being themselves and I’m little slow in the uptake with some people. I’ve never felt it was my place to correct people’s behaviors. They don’t with me.
I do have friends that are like me and I have friends, mostly from high school, that are way different. I find drinking in a bar quite boring and they don’t. So, it is hard to spend quality time with those people. Not a reason to de-friend someone, but the reason why I did de-friend one person this year was that we had nothing in common anymore. Also, I looked back at our friendship and certain events had a different light on them that I’d never had seen before. I learned the long, ugly way that some people just aren’t compatiable anymore.
It’s alright if you decide that you’re not friends anymore with someone. It sucks but it’s a part of life.

zenele's avatar

Back on topic, and having read @py_sue ‘s post; sometimes, even after 20 years or more, you simply grow apart. It can hurt, as much as a divorce (and I’ve known both) but it happens.

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