General Question

dolcevita88's avatar

Why don't guys commit?

Asked by dolcevita88 (57points) June 11th, 2010

In regards to my last question about my best friend..

We finally had a talk, he made it very clear he had feelings for me. For the first time in four years he verbally admitted that he liked me. It felt good, until he told me that he didn’t want a girlfriend.

You know, I can normally understand these things. In no ways am I clingy, I actually prefer not to date people or have that kind of title. When it comes to everyone but him, I run the opposite direction when the big status question comes up.

So why am I so devastated that he won’t give me a chance? We obviously care for each other and everyone always tells us they can see our chemistry, and we act like a couple. But if he’s not willing to commit now, then when? I don’t want to waste my time, but I don’t mind waiting if I know it will eventually come.

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25 Answers

mass_pike4's avatar

If you are asking about guys in general in not committing, I believe it is an evolutionary thing. Men do not want to commit to just one partner right away especially at a young age because they want to “spread their seed” sort of speak. This means that males want to reproduce with a variety of partners so they can produce more babies that are like themselves. Females on the other hand want to be with fewer partners so they can nurture their kin. It is a males mission to reproduce with more people so that a variety of females can nurture their offspring to keep their genes going.

As far as your situation, I believe that he does not want to commit because he is not ready to. It sounds like what the two of you have is good and he is content with it. I am sure he does not want to lose what you have, so a commitment may change things for him. It is a comfort zone type thing like the saying, “If it aint broke don’t fix it.” Taking things to the next level may complicate things for him and get him out of the comfort zone that he has with you.

Nullo's avatar

It depends on the guy, mostly. Some don’t want to. Some are frankly terrified. And some are ready and willing.
Give the nice guys a chance! :D

mass_pike4's avatar

Not to mention that he may have to make sacrifices like not going out with the guys on one night because you two had arranged to do something together. He does not want to be tied down and he wants his freedom. Maybe he feels that he is not responsible enough to become committed and he wants to wait for the right time. There are a variety of factors, but the bottomline is that he likes what you have now and he cannot commit until he truly feels that he can commit everything for you

chels's avatar

Maybe it’s just a point in his life where he doesn’t want anything.
Maybe he doesn’t feel like he’s in a good position to be dating.
Maybe he has other priorities.
Maybe he likes you but he just needs time to get his act together.

There are many reasons why he doesn’t want a girlfriend. Why not ask him.

If he doesn’t want to commit, he doesn’t want to commit. You can either talk to him about it or forget about it.

YARNLADY's avatar

No all guys have this problem. Each time it happens, there is a different, specific reason. There is no general, one size fits all answer for this type of question.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“Why don’t guys commit?”

because women are crazy

MissA's avatar

Be happy and grateful that your friend is honest.

If you manipulate him, whatever you have will be gone.

Enjoy the HERE and NOW. You’re dangerously close to falling into a mistake countless females do. Eghads.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

That is one hell of a generalisation. Your friend is probably scared of ruining a good friendship, and wants things to happen naturally instead of feeling bounded by being official.

kheredia's avatar

He will commit when he is ready. If you are willing to wait then do it without pressuring him to commit. If you feel that it’s a waste of your time, then move on. Some guys just need more time than others.

Disc2021's avatar

Because they’re douche bags.

Silhouette's avatar

He committed to liking you, looks like it’s all you’re going to get for now. If you aren’t committed to wait for more you have to let go and move on.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Warning: MEN – skip this post. It is a female responding to a female.

@ dolcevita88 Thank you for reporting back on the status. And good for you for having the courage to approach the topic with this man. But please do not assume that all guys do not commit. Most do, albeit in their own way, when the time is right for them.

He is still giving you his attention and just wants to take it at a slower pace than you do. His feelings may never match yours for him, and that is the way of life. If you love him, give him his space and enjoy the time you have with him. It may evolve into something more serious. If not, then you will have to decide whether to let go or continue on with a one-sided relationship or open your heart to other opportunities.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@Disc2021 There is no need to resort to ad hominem attacks when you disagree with a person’s actions. He is entitled to take things slowly if that is what he wants.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’m not happy with the generalization of the question. I was utterly and absolutely committed to my lady.

Silhouette's avatar

I think she made it pretty clear she was talking about one guy in particular in the body of the question. Stand down gender defenders! lol

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

It was the generalization of of the basic question “why don’t guys commit?” vs. “why doesn’t my guy commit?”

Silhouette's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I know what it was, but she did go on to explain she meant her guy, that cleared it up for me. I knew after I read the entire question she didn’t want me to explain why all men were unable to commit.

perspicacious's avatar

Guys do commit when they are ready. You can’t make that happen for them, just as they can’t make it happen for you. Timing is everything.

bolwerk's avatar

Commit to what, exactly?

If you want him to be interested in you, make him pursue you. The way to do that is to make him jealous. Date other guys in his presence. Make sure he sees you and hears about it. His envy-driven penis will become engorged with blood and he’ll start pursuing you. Don’t just automatically give in to him either. Lead him on for a while before making it seem like you’re agreeing to accept him.

I hate to use marketing as a parallel here, but think of it as marketing: you’re a commodity with a value. Right now, no one is really competing for you. If others desire you, his perception of your value will go up. By the same token, if you act like the other person doesn’t have much value, they automatically feel like they need to increase their value by pleasing you.* It may sound like silly pop psychology – and to some extent, it really is – but it’s exactly why insecure people in relationships are clingy. Even worse, people who break up without being direct (while maybe being passive-aggressive?), as is common with teens and inexperienced young adults, often feed the insecurities of the other partner, making them more clingy.

* And if they try to please you when you’re not too interested, they might just annoy you. You’ve probably experienced this before. The opposite often works better: try to displease the other person and act like you don’t need him.

Of course, answering your question about commitment might be more difficult. You can’t go forever behaving like a sociopathic asshole, and while you can probably rope him into a longer-term relationship, you may not be able to keep someone around who just wants to get his dick wet in other women. I’m going to guess you both are in your teens or early 20s, and therefore have a lot of teen/twenties issues to sort out like “sowing wild oats” (especially him), school/college, possibly moving around for the next few years, and probably a fair number of desirable partners coming in and out of your lives.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

I’ll commit to not committing.

Rufus_T_Firefly's avatar

I think the question is a little one-sided. I’ve met just as many or more women who couldn’t or wouldn’t fully commit to a relationship. And, I’ve met many women who treat most men as if they’re nothing more than financial stepping stones on the road to finding and marrying Mr. Perfect.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Rufus_T_Firefly You are right…the initial question is one-sided.

@dolcevita88 There is a difference in loving someone and being in love. Appreciate him for who he is, and if you want a romantic relationship, then move on.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Rufus_T_Firefly's avatar

@sreeramulu – Men aren’t the only ones to break promises or vows.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)

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