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ucme's avatar

Most inappropriate speech to give at a wedding would be?

Asked by ucme (50031points) June 17th, 2010

Either at the service itself or maybe at the reception, what would be something anyone could say that would have the guests spilling claret everywhere & coughing up their starters? The funny & more brutal the better.Hypothetical of course, wouldn’t want to soil a joyous occasion, mwaahh ;¬}

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16 Answers

jazmina88's avatar

Me and bridey had great times in the back of the car. I know you’re in for a good ride

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I hesitate to encourage you~

aprilsimnel's avatar

(Groom rises on the dais, taps champers glass loudly with his knife)

“Well. I want to thank you all for coming, especially when I know there are so many disappointed chicks here today. I know, I see ya! Ha-ha! But seriously, I just want to say that (turns to new wife), Honey, out of all the women I’ve ‘loved’, heh-heh, before, and 98% of ‘em are in this room (turns, leers at the other women, winks at new sister-in-law, turns back), you, Sweetheart, you. You give the best head. Ever. And you swallow. That’s so important. I don’t know who taught you that (Dude in the back: “YO!”) Ha! Yeah, man! You taught her well, sir, you taught her well. And I appreciate it. I salute you! Who’d’ve ever thought that a few minutes wedged in a phone booth would lead to something as beautiful as this, huh? How drunk were we at that bar? And even I’m surprised to say that after all these months, I’m still lookin’ forward to tonight! Thanks!”

(Sits to shocked silence, except for Dude in the back who hollers and pumps a fist in the air.)

ItsAHabit's avatar

That’s hilarious…....Please don’t take it personally but I won’t be inviting you to my wedding. :-)))

Berserker's avatar

Going off on some prophesied spiel about the Apocalypse, pointing at everyone ominously and telling them they’re all damned to eternal pain and torture forever would be kinda funny.

Aster's avatar

Giving a speech on The Pitfalls of Divorce.

VohuManah's avatar

“I want to thank all of you for coming, Jenny is just ecstatic that you made it.”several minutes later, husband comes out of closet with bloodshot eyes and a katana in his back “Like I said, Lenna wants to thank you for coming. We’ll see you at divorce court next week.”

Pandora's avatar

Hand the bride and groom business cards of a good nanny, good pediatritian, good couple counselor, good sex therapist, good child psychologist, good divorce attorney and a good crimminal attorney and cemetary. And a box of rubber gloves. :)

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Talk about the bride’s mother and either 1) speculate how long it will take for the bride to turn into her mother, or 2) wax poetically about how much hotter the bride’s mother is than her daughter.

aprilsimnel's avatar

“Wow. Congrats to my son. Jake, I’m sure you’ll be one of the happiest guys I know for a long time, there, with Carlie. And what a captive audience. Great. You know, I’m going to take this stellar opportunity to tell you how my son, his new bride, and yes, all of you can be happier and maybe even healthier, if Chuck back there just brings down the lights. Great, thanks. Let’s get this party started, right?”

“Now, I don’t know how many of you have ever considered how a time share vacation home in Edisto Beach, South Carolina could add a level of luxury, convenience and just plain old fun into your life…”

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

^ Or the same pitch for Amway™ products.

LostInParadise's avatar

Talk about how tough marriage is. Mention all the people you know (or can invent) who ended up getting divorced and how awful it was for the couples and their kids. Ask the bride or groom if there is a prenuptial agreement.

Dr_Dredd's avatar

^ And offer your services as a divorce lawyer, even if you aren’t one…

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