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alexleehafliger's avatar

I need advice on moving.

Asked by alexleehafliger (8points) June 21st, 2010 from iPhone

I am 12. My parents are divorced. My dad is single, and my mom remarried. That all happened when I was 6 months old. I get along with my moms husband, but him and my mom get in fights all the time. I can’t stand all the screaming, and then they get stressed And blame every problem on me and my brother. My dads house is so much more peaceful. I like being there and want to move in with him, but don’t want to change schools. If it matters, I live in the state of Illinois. Any advice?

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17 Answers

HGl3ee's avatar

What a hard thing to have to deal with at your age :( I would strongly suggest talking to your student counsellor or even principal on how to go about moving and staying at your current school. I’m not sure if legal matters would be involved but asking an adult for help is a must in this situation. Please keep us updated and be careful <3

(I suggested a school authority over your parents for the initial questions because sometimes it’s easier to talk to an adult who is not directly in the situation. But do what you feel most comfortable with.)

CaptainHarley's avatar

A lot is going to depend upon the terms of the custody agreement. Do you know if your mother has total custody, or if your mother and father have joint custody?

alexleehafliger's avatar

I don’t know what that means. But I go to my dads on wednesdays and every other weekend.

Jeruba's avatar

Perhaps you could start by talking with your father about it and asking him if he would be open to the idea. If he says no, there’s no point in going into the legal stuff and the school district stuff.

He would also know what the custody arrangements are—that is, what the divorce ruling said about who’s responsible for the kids.

Merriment's avatar

I think Jeruba is right about talking with your father before you involve the school.

I also think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your mother about how you are feeling. She knows that fighting in front of the kids is wrong (all us parents know this) but she may be so wrapped up in their issues that she doesn’t realize the toll this is taking on you. It is okay to remind her.

I also wanted to let you know that if your father lives close enough to drive you to school or to arrange transportation to and from school for you, you can get a “boundary exception”.

What this means is that the school allows you to continue attending your current school even though you live outside their “normal” boundary.

Many schools are also open enrollment which means that anybody who can arrange their own transportation is free to attend the school of their choice.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Just to chime in on the custody thing, in some states, once a child gets to a certain age, they’re legally allowed to choose which parent they want to live with.

Talk to your school councilor and tell them about this – they’ll know if you can stay in the same school or not if you move to your dad’s house, if you can stay if you keep your mom’s house as your mailing address, whatever.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It’s not uncommon for kids to switch up households when they get into their teen years.

Talk to your dad, and see if the idea works for him. If he travels a lot for work, it may be difficult for him to have you there all the time, but perhaps you can spend more time there than you do now. Choose a time when your mom and stepfather are not yelling at each other or you, and ask your mother if it would be helpful for her marriage if you spent more time at your father’s for awhile, to reduce her stress.

Some adults do better with parenting teens than others.

alexleehafliger's avatar

My dad doesn’t ever really travel for work though. He is a welder for bunn-o-Matic (coffee pots). But on the school boundary idea, he lives 30 miles from my school district, I don’t know if it would work or not.- on the idea where at a certain age you can choose, my dad has mentioned it, but him and I have never really talked about it

CaptainHarley's avatar


It sounds as though your parents have joint custody. This would make things a bit easier for you. Some of the suggestions others have put on here are very good, such as talking to a trusted teacher or school counselor, talking more with your father about this, etc.

alexleehafliger's avatar

I am just scared of how my mom will take it, if I said something about it.

Jeruba's avatar

What grade are you going into? If you are about to start middle school, this might actually be a good time to change schools. You might have to choose between staying with your dad and staying in your school—again supposing that he is ok with having you move in, which is really the first question.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

The best way to bring it up with you mom is to make sure you don’t pick a moment when she’s mad. Tell her that you know she loves you, but you noticed that she and your stepdad seem to fight a lot lately, and you were wondering if it would be helpful to her if you spent more time at your dad’s.

alexleehafliger's avatar

I am going into 7th grade though.

Jeruba's avatar

So—assuming your dad says yes and other things work out—you may have to choose between continuity in school and peace at home. You might not be able to have both.

Facing the choice could really help you figure some things out. You would have to decide which is more important to you. No one can do that but you.

alexleehafliger's avatar

I just don’t want to leave my friends though.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Start the discussion, approach it as a possibility, not a sure thing. Ask your mom if she ever thought about having you live with your dad. You don’t have to say, “I want to live with my dad” until you’re comfortable with that being what you want to do.

Good decisions come from getting lots of input from different people and deciding what you think about what they’ve said. Maybe the first step is to spend more time with your dad over the summer. See what it’s like for everyone. Baby steps.

Jeruba's avatar

And that’s what I’m saying, sweetie: the price of keeping your friends might be staying with your mother. You might have to choose. You might not be able to have both. Asking your dad to make a 60-mile round trip twice a day so you can have quiet evenings is a little much.

Learning to make choices is a really big part of growing up.

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