Social Question

ridedressage01's avatar

Is it time to break up?

Asked by ridedressage01 (2points) June 25th, 2010

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2½ years now; we started dating my senior year of high school and have made it halfway through college so far. I went to college out of town while he stayed home (he’s younger than me), and I came home every weekend for 2 years so that we could stay together.

Things seem to be going further and further downhill now. When we started dating, things were absolutely wonderful; we didn’t fight once for our first 8 months of dating. Then college came and things became strained, but still manageable. I was a bit of a rebel in high school (as was he), but college quickly whipped me into shape, and I now have a straight A average and am planning to go to medical school. He’s shaped up a bit, but not like I have.

When we fight now, he usually gets extremely angry right off the bat, which causes me to shut down and stop talking. Many times if I have a problem, he tells me that I’m overreacting, that I can’t communicate with him, or that I’m stupid. We fight every week—and he always seems to get his way in our fights.

The only problem is that I’m 100% dependent on him, and I can’t tell if I want to stay with him because I’m truly in love with him or because I have isolated myself the past 2 years in order to be together with him and get good grades in school. I cannot bear the thought of spending the rest of the summer completely alone, to sit and think about the breakup and what could’ve been… I no longer talk to any friends around my hometown because most of them have continued in their “rebellious” ways and I can’t bear to be around that.

He tells me he loves me, and we do have good times together in between the fights. However, I do not trust him; I have caught him smoking pot behind my back twice, both times he became very emotional and extremely regretful of his actions; enough to convince me to stay with him. When we fight nowadays and take time apart, he will make plans with other people, and I always wonder what it is that he’s doing with them…

Sorry for the novel, but this situation is so complicated… He is also moving to my college town in August, and after two years of seeing him only on weekends, I had been looking forward to this time for quite awhile..

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6 Answers

marinelife's avatar

I think you two have serious problems.

By your own words, you have changed and he has not.

You cannot trust him.

Because you can’t bear the alone time, you are staying with him. This is a terrible reason.

You can break up with him. You can go out and look for new friends and even potentially new guys to date.

I think you two have run your course. The time has come.

Break up with him before he moves there.

sleepdoc's avatar

While your emotional stuff is possibly hard to wade through, I can relate to how you can end up feeling isolated when you get focused on a goal. I don’t know if you are planning to continue to have classes during the summer or not, but having been in a similar set of shoes, I would advise to find something to have as a social outlet. Maybe try to find some workout buddies or get a part time job or…. some hobby that you have put on the shelf. Having some social outlet however small is going to help everything else become more clear. Trust me on this one.

madeinkowloon's avatar

Trust is the foundation to any relationship, and without it, you have nothing.

You’re still in college, and you’re in a long distance relationship—for which I have to commend you. You’re still young, and not to be all cliche and stuff, but damn, there are a helluva lot more fish in the sea who would be worth your while and who would actually…deserve you. You’re getting your act together and going to med school—that says a lot.

If you believe the reason you’re staying with him is so you can have someone to lean on when you’re lonely, try doing things you enjoy. Go rockclimbing and get one of those cute boys who hang around to belay you. Get involved with a team sport. and like @sleepdoc said, you could definitely try getting a part-time/ temp job. Not only will you make friends with coworkers but you also get some cash on the side :)

But really, at this point you have to ask yourself: do those good times that you have with him outweigh the times you spend crying over him or the things he does? Usually, the answer to this question is “no” and by you fluthering about whether you should break up with this person is definitely a sign.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Since you are somewhat confined by a trap of your own construction, you must disassemble the trap and explore life outside your habitual confines.

Find things to do to keep yourself busy and learn not to structure your time around the times you see your boyfriend.

If your previous friends no longer suit your current lifestyle, go through your high school yearbook and make contact with people you knew who might be better suited to who you are now.

Take up a new activity where you will meet other people more like you.

You can do this and freeing yourself from narrow confines will increase your happiness.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Circumstances and maturity have you growing apart. It happens frequently at your age. One of the greatest lessons I learned after dating someone for 2 years (and it took several years to figure out) is that you can love someone, but not be in love.

On the other hand, my sister married her husband as soon as she graduated from college because she needed someone to take care of her. He married her because she was one of the skinniest girls on campus. The family secretly bet that it wouldn’t work for many reasons, but here they are today…still together 27 years later. And my other 2 siblings, who seemed to have found a match made in heaven, are long divorced.

We can give you advice and share our personal stories, but there is nothing better to give you guidance than listening to your own heart and mind, as well as open communication, understanding, trust and respect between the two of you.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

If he’s getting angry right off the bat when you are disgruntled and is now starting to belittle you (calling you stupid) and using manipulation to be evasive (saying you’re overreactive) then I’d put my foot down and have a talk about aguing with respect. Disallow clamming up, walking away, name calling and any physical intimidation/posturing such as pointing fingers, talking with both arms and palms out in the air, finger pokes to the chest or shoulders, etc.

It sounds like you fear he’s not maturing or making the efforts to step up to you two as a future couple even though he’s made plans to move close by. Maybe to you it feels like his smoking weed is connected to him doing other things as well you’ve hoped or assumed he’s moved on from? Talk about it with him. Talk about what you want from him in order to feel secure and positive about the relationship and ask him what things mean trust, security and future prosect to him. You never know.

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