Social Question

TiredOfItAll's avatar

Do you see dating as an endless filtering process?

Asked by TiredOfItAll (10points) June 27th, 2010

I kind of see dating as an endless filtering process and it is getting very frustrating to me.

You have a population of women in your area who are datable.
Filter out those who are not single, not attractive to you, not attracted to you, or are just not dating at the moment and you have a significantly smaller population of women.

Out of these you will attempt to get some numbers. Not all will give them to you. Of those who actually give them to you some will answer, some will not.

Out of those who actually answer only a few of those will want to meet up. On top of that you have to actually want to meet up with her after the first few convos.

Of those who you actually meet with a few of those will want to meet again. You also have to want to meet up with them again. (Heres where I’m stuck)

Of those who actually make it this far a few of those will actually take it to the relationship level. Once again they will have to pass your filter as well and you must want to have one with them as well.

Assuming ¼ of women pass each level of the double-filter (she approves, you approve) it will take (¼)^4 chance of making it far.

I find this extremely frustrating that when i get a womans number most aren’t serious, so its back to the dating pool. Even more so when they actually meet up and it’s the same thing. Or shes totally not what you expected once on a date. Eventually one will want a relationship, but we will break up and I will have to start all over again.

This whole process is very exerting and frustrating. The statistics are just damn depressing. I do not want to go through 512 women just to possibly get to one (assuming ¼). I’m about to give up on it.

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20 Answers

unused_bagels's avatar

I’d say it’s an elimination process. When I was dating, I had a filter of my own, and if she didn’t fit through it, I didn’t even bother dating her. Hang in there, one day a woman will jump out of the crowd, so to speak, and you’ll know.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Meeting people can be a lot harder than you might think, however, maybe the problem is in your filtering criteria. People who are not attractive to you at first meeting can often become attractive after you get to know them. There are a lot of really great women who are ordinary looking and shy. Focus on finding women with common interests first, and then filter by attached/not attached, and work your way down from there.

Also, be realistic about your own shortcomings. Are you relationship material, or are you just biding time until something better comes along? Could you be putting off vibes that you’re not really interested in a relationship based on what you can give to it, as opposed to what you will get out of it?

Coloma's avatar

If you reduce dating to nothing more than a bunch of negative statistical BS, it’s not going to be very FUN!

Dating is suppossed to be FUN!

You are not shopping for a new car or a horse, you are dating to have FUN, experience and ENJOY new people.

Let go of the outcome of finding the ‘perfect’ match and just have a good time.

Get EXCITED about what YOU can do to bring some fun to another, instead of wallowing in negative and un-enthusiastic protocol.

I havn’t been dating much the last few years, not that interested at this time..BUT..when I do date, I get EXCITED about SHARING fun things with another.

I love to invite them to my cool neck of the woods, create a river picnic, go for a walk, do some wine tasting.

If you are not excited and motivated to GIVE of yourself and it’s all about what a drag it is for you…well…you are shooting yourself in the foot.

Women want a man with MOTIVATION and CREATIVITY and ENTHUSIASM….

Take the focus of the negative and get excited about GIVING!

You might be suprised what you attract when your focus changes to genuinely enjoying some human communion and not behaving like you’re at an auction! lol

Another idea might be to pow wow with some buddies and get together with girls/women and invite them to bring friends for a group ‘date.’

Up the ante on possibilites while reducing the one on one tension.

Throw a party for singles in your age bracket….show some ZIP and CREATIVITY! ;-)

Seaofclouds's avatar

I agree with @Coloma that dating is supposed to be fun. When you over analyze things, you can suck the fun right out of them. If you spend your whole date thinking about whether or no this girl will make it through your filter, you probably aren’t just relaxing and having a fun time. This will affect the way you project yourself to the girl you are with. Which mean you could have met some really great girls, but turned them off by the way you handled yourself during those dates.

Stop worrying about your filters and what you think you want for a little while and just start having fun. Go on dates and just have fun. If things don’t progress, so what, at least you were having fun in the process.

marinelife's avatar

Consider something like eharmony. Its process does a lot of the filtering for you through the compatibility profiles. Plus, the women on there have self-selected as being serious about wanting relationships.

Thus, a lot of the filtering is pre-done, and you can get further faster.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Relax and don’t take the “hunt” so serious. I’ve met the most people I like to hang with when I just relax, be myself, and let my guard down. If you’re in pursiut mode most people throw up their defenses and don’t let you in. I said people because this works for men and women.

beccalynnx's avatar

I’ve never actually “dated: before.
Both of my boyfriends started out as friends, and you know the course… we fall for each other and become closer… eventually serious lovers. I feel it’s much more relaxed that way. I’ve had two boyfriends before. I was with one for just over a year. Rarely went on “dates” and i was okay with that. Now my current boyfriend and I have been together for seven months. I’d say things have been pretty swell.
I’ve never looked for a partner either. I just go with the flow and let myself relax.

Going on dates and getting numbers from strangers.. too much of a hassle, I agree. I tend to focus on my current relationships, friends will come and go, but some are to stay. and when they are, you’ll know.
@coloma you are absolutely right. It is supposed to be fun.

Personally I’d advise to focus on your current friendships, have fun, and a mate will come along in the right time. :)

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I saw it as an endless rejection process. After 100% rejection, I gave up in my mid-teens. Almost a quarter century later, the right lady dropped into my life without any searching. A friend in need who became lover, then life partner.

Cruiser's avatar

@Coloma Sure dating is supposed to be fun and it is right up to that point of commitment where the parents and ultimately your inlaws get their meat hooks into you!! You can kiss fun goodbye when the parents/inlaws get involved!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’ve observed dating like this: Out of ten interests then two of them will be possible good matches for you. Out of those two then one of them won’t be able to weather a relationship due to external circumstances you can’t overcome and there will be a bittersweet feeling. The one match left will be a good one but it will need attention, carefulness and respect for the sieve you’ve both been through. Proceed accordingly. Finding a good match makes all the other hassle feel worth it, at least in my experiences.

tranquilsea's avatar

FWIW, none of the people I know met their spouses via dating. We met them at work, at school and at social/interest based clubs/events. I dated maybe 7 guys before I learned to dislike the process entirely. It was too false and too set up for me. I met my hubby at work. My guard was down and we got to know one another slowly. If I had met him on a date I don’t know whether I would have agreed to another one.

Go out and do things you enjoy. Be interesting and interested and it will happen.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Kudos and lurve to @tranquilsea!

I met my ex husband in college, we didn’t date until several years after an awesome friendship and then only dated two weeks before becoming engaged. My last two longterm serious partners I’ve met at work, carefully and respectfully.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I met my husband at a wedding. We were both friends of the groom. I had been dating another friend of the groom for 2.5 years, and we broke up. It was very hard on me, and the groom suggested I might like this guy that was in his wedding. After we met, we figured out that in the past 3 years, we were in the same place at the same time with adjacent groups of people about 30 times, and never met. (By adjacent, I was with a group of people he knew, and he was with a group of people I knew, but we went to things with different groups.)

tranquilsea's avatar

@Neizvestnaya When there is no pressure to impress in 3 or 4 hours it is amazing what you find out about a person. You get to see them interact with other people which is invaluable. I once dated an Englishman who I really liked until he was completely rude with a waiter. The fledgling relationship ended right there.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I met my husband at a “gaming weekend” at my mom and step-dad’s house. He is good friends with my step-dad and had came down for the weekend. We spent the weekend chatting and playing various card and board games. Now he says he got hooked on me during a game of Uno. :)

Coloma's avatar


Well…you’re sure looking ahead! lol

Yep…and, I am pleased to say I am in-law-less these days…although I will make an AWESOME MIL someday….my daughters boyfriend thinks I am pretty cool!

He is always laughing and saying…’ Now I know where she gets THAT!’ lolol

LuckyGuy's avatar

@TiredOfItAll there are ways to boost your odds significantly.
Stay healthy, employed, respectful and polite. That will boost your attractiveness factor.
Give ‘em a chance. That will boost their attractiveness factor. (You will be surprised)
Do healthy activities that will incidentally bring you in contact with worthy potential partners.
Pay Match . com or e harmony to do the filtering for you.

They are out there. In fact the number of single women is similar to the number of single men.
Good luck.

Tired0fItAll's avatar

To all those who suggested “just go with the flow” I guess that works for some, just not me. I have been “going with the flow” for a while and nothing. That is because “going with the flow” for me does not imply hitting on, complimenting, or going out of my way to talk to women. Work=go\leave. School=go\leave. I am always polite and respectful to people, I talk to the people at work\school but never to them outside of it. I’m not antisocial or anything, I have a good group of friends but then again I am not the most social person in the world.

Thats why I like the concept of dating, especially online. I know what those people are there for. When I KNOW people are interested in the same thing as me I act accordingly (not fake or anything. One does talk different to their boss than they do to their friend though). I have had limited success with it, and get a lot farther than I do in the wild. I just find the process extremely exhausting.

I use POF btw. eHarmony seems to only like older faith based Christians with a decent job looking for marriage. Google eHarmony’s bias. It gave me no matches lol.

tranquilsea's avatar

@Tired0fItAll perhaps it is your feelings of being uncomfortable when you are talking to people that is coming through. You should practise striking up conversations with women as you make your way through your life. You could be pleasantly surprised and you will eventually become good at it.

I am very shy IRL and I really had to work on talking to people to alleviate some of the shyness. It wasn’t easy, at first, but I soon learned how to talk to people and found, eventually, that people really enjoyed talking to me.

mattbrowne's avatar

Don’t overestimate the rational mind when it comes to dating. A lot happens on the unconscious level. We don’t even notice when filters are applied.

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