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ronski's avatar

What should I do? I have a crush on my ex's friend, but he has a girlfriend...?

Asked by ronski (727points) July 5th, 2010

My ex-boyfriend and I went out for 5 years, and he recently broke up with me because he wasn’t ready to take the relationship to the next level and had no experience with other women. At first I thought we might get back together, but now I don’t see this happening.

Recently, I’ve developed a crush on an old friend of ours. I keep running into him randomly at events and on the street, and he always flirts with me and stares at me and gives me a ton of attention. Once, years ago, he tried to kiss me, but at the time I didn’t take it seriously. Now I get the feeling he likes me, and he acts like this if his girlfriend is there or not.

Now I feel like I might like him too. Him and his girlfriend have broken up and gotten back together a bunch. I know he will be playing music at an art event I would want to go to, but I’m not sure if I should go. In the past I have always tip-toed over people’s feelings, but this time I feel it may be worth it, since we have known each other for so many years.

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29 Answers

Thammuz's avatar

Put on the military boots and plow through her feelings if you think it’s worth it, enough with the tippy toes shit.

In love and war anything goes.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Until he is certain that he is fully single and completely over his relationship with his girlfriend do not get involved with him. Even then, be certain your you and your ex are actually finished getting over your breakup before you proceed. You can expect that even then your ex and his friend may have issues with each other if you get involved with your ex’s friend.

Do you need that much drama in your romantic life?

perspicacious's avatar

Don’t date your ex boyfriend’s friend for two reasons—he’s your ex boyfriend’s friend and he has a girlfriend. If he breaks up with his girlfriend and some years have passed it might be OK.

bunnygrl's avatar

Does nobody have any decency anymore? I refuse to believe that the human race is turning into… well this. You know what? he’s spoken for, and if he mucks about behind his girlfriend’s back with you, well guess what, if he dumps her for you, along will come some other low moraled person and he’ll do it to you too. There are a lot of guys out there, grow some decency and get your own.

ronski's avatar

@bunnygrl haha. I surely see that, and I have no intention of doing anything with him while he has a girlfriend. It’s not about a matter of decency anyways, it’s about ultimately being with the person you want to be with…what’s wrong with that!?

Cineja's avatar

I suggest u steer well clear the grass is always greener he wants what he thinks he cant have!! This is best avoided he will get you, hurt u & others in the process & it will all be for nothing, move on there are better out there u just haven’t found the right one yet gud luck !

ronski's avatar

@Cineja Yea, I’ve thought that too. Is it just a matter of wanting what you can’t have?

This time I feel differently about it though. People get hurt no matter what. I know I am his type, he’s mine, we’ve known each other for 6 years. If we like each other after that long, it seems something is there, but I think I should lay off if he has a girlfriend, not that I have been purposefully laying on.

bunnygrl's avatar

@ronski honey its wrong because he sounds like a total low life. You said you were with your ex for 5 years and then said a few years ago he tried to kiss you? his friend’s girlfriend? Now he’s flirting with you while he’s attached. Honey, you’ll find this out but men do not mature at the same rate as we women do. They’re like kids in a sweetie shop when they’re young and they want all of the sweeties not just one lol. It’s sad but true.

Life is pretty harsh, and some of the lessons we have to learn as we travel through it are nasty. What I meant was that there is no point going looking for pain or heartbreak. Wishing you well honey and throwing loads of hugs your way <hugs> xx
ps: people don’t get hurt no matter what if they pick wisely <huggles>

Likeradar's avatar

You look in the mirror and decide if you really want to pursue the type of guy who would act in this way in front of his girlfriend.

ronski's avatar

@Likeradar Hmm…true. People do have all of these cliche ideas about guys, but isn’t it possible that he just has feelings for me? I never see him act this way to other girls.

ronski's avatar

@perspicacious You’re right, I should probably lay off and wait, if it’s meant to be than it’s meant to be.

bunnygrl's avatar

its not a cliche honey its just a fact that old ladies like me try to warn their younger sisters about and then realise that we all have to learn life’s lessons on our own,
hugs

gailcalled's avatar

@Ronski; you say that after five years, he broke up with you. Whatever his reasons or so-called reasons, you were not the decider. The position of being the receiver of bad news is the more painful one…you are vulnerable now and perhaps looking for a quick fix to make yourself feel better.

I don’t know how long ago “recently” is. You can certainly go to the concert because you want to hear the music and see the art. That is legit. Poaching is not.

ronski's avatar

@gailcalled Well, I do have another engagement, so I probably shouldn’t cancel it and go to this one just because I want to see this guy, right?

I think you are right though, I feel definitely vulnerable, which is why I don’t want to rush it, so maybe I will just have to wait and see if anything happens in its own time. Lets say, he does break up with his girlfriend in the future, and something is still there, is it still wrong?

gailcalled's avatar

You are speculating now; see what happens and see how you feel, ethically.

And no, don’t change your social plans just to see this guy. No, no, no.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

If he’s interested in being with you, he needs to break up with his girlfriend on his own first. It needs to become apparent that you and your ex are not getting back together. This would take your ex dating someone else.

ronski's avatar

@PandoraBoxx Do you mean that it needs to become apparent to him or to me?

evandad's avatar

If you are friends with the girlfriend you have to leave him alone. If not (degrees aren’t allowed, any kind of friends is still a friend) then the gloves are off. Keep in mind that he’s a musician and a flirt. Don’t take him too seriously.

ronski's avatar

@evandad Are all musician’s flirts?

Also, not friends with this girl whatsoever. The gloves our off?

PS: I am a musician and artist too, guess I must fall into the flirt category as well, which I’m totally okay with. I should, I’m cute.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I would leave him alone while he has a girlfriend. Look at the way he acts with his girlfriend, do you really want him to act that same way with you? Would you be okay with him flirting with other girls right in front of you if he was your boyfriend? If down the road he becomes single and you are still interested in him, then it’s your call. I wouldn’t put my life on hold waiting for him to become single though.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

After 5yrs your ex wasn’t the stepping up kind but what about this friend of his and his gf/ex gf/ on & off gf? Is he the stepping up kind of guy? Do you know what their revolving breakups are about? Do you want to chance getting involved with a guy who has a pattern of getting back together with his ex? Do you think you’d be treated very seriously with her in the picture? Maybe your crush is mutual attraction but through experience with your ex you already know an relationship worth investing in is one you think will lead to somewhere.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

The more you resist him, the more he will desire you. This will give you an awful sense of controlling power over him and you’ll find it very attractive and exhilarating.

Set him straight from the very beginning. Let him know up front, that you like him, but find it rather repulsive and unattractive that he would act like he does when he has a girl already. This will make him think.

Once you’ve got him thinking, he’ll say “WOW what-a-gal! I must have her for my own!

Oh dear oh dear, the plot thickens, for now you are an unattainable challenge, and guys can’t resist a good challenge.

So let him know that his girlfriend deserves some respect. You certainly would require respect… right?

Let him know that you can’t be taking him serious whilst he’s in a relationship. It is rude, inconsiderate, and altogether foolish and deceitful. You’re not that kind of girl… are you?

Well, when he finally comes to you and says they’ve broken up, you still must put on a patient and mature front. He’ll say, “What’s the problem? She’s gone!” Ah, but you know better as they have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past. People are creatures of habit and they love keeping someone in reserve for when the new fling hits crash and burn.

As long as he’s not hiding text messages or facebook friends from you, then let him know right up front that YOU are a very Special Woman, and he is free to pursue courting you if it pleases him. The courtship sets a standard and allows you time to decide if you really are all that interested in him and the type of person he is. You’ll get to know him on a more personal level and check out his hangups, all the while discovering if he’s really dumped the other gal for good, and how he reacts to other girls when you are out with him.

Do this and be happy.

Or just fuck him and get it over with. That is, if you know it wasn’t going to last anyway.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

In my opinion I think it would be a bad idea since…well he has a girlfriend already. And if he doesn’t tell his girlfriend that he would be going out with you he would be cheating on her which isn’t right at all for a guy to do to another girl. It’s best to just leave it as it is. Maybe you can be really close friends, but nothing above the idea of that. You may think you like him because you think he might like you. But I think the only reason you would consider going out with this guy is because he tried kissing you. (I’m assuming this) Just stay friends.

Likeradar's avatar

@ronski Sure, it’s possible. But a guy who isn’t a complete asshat a) Breaks up with his girlfriend before pursuing another woman, or b) recognizes that liking his friend’s ex is not reason enough to treat his current girlfriend like shit.

You can’t help who you like. But you certainly can help what you do with your feelings.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It needs to become apparent to him that he’s interested in you enough to act upon it. Until your ex is in another relationship, dating you will strain and possibly end his friendship with your ex. He will break up with his girlfriend when he realizes that he’s not happy with her. You don’t want a guy who would cheat on his girlfriend, do you? If he really wants to break up with his girlfriend, he’s perfectly capable of doing so.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
Trillian's avatar

If he acts like he likes you in front of his girlfriend, what does he do behind her back? What makes you think he’ll treat you any better? Of course if you’re willing to tread all over their relationship in pursuit of your own gratification, go for it. Then you’ll have no one to blame but yourself when he does it to you.

ronski's avatar

Well, thanks everyone for the very valuable information and advice. I think it’s true, I shouldn’t pursue it while he has a girlfriend, he needs to figure that out on his own. I definitely am going to just try to forget about it for now. Seems like the most sound thing for me to do for now.
If in the future, he is single, perhaps then we can pursue something. It’s good to know, life isn’t written in stone…

camille99's avatar

go for it life is short !!! but you have to wait until he is single again .

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