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jojo167's avatar

Does my boyfriend really want me or is he just settling?

Asked by jojo167 (25points) July 8th, 2010

I have been with my boyfriend for 12yrs now and am pregnant with his fourth child, we have been through a lot, he has put me through a lot and yet I have still stood by him hoping that maybe one day he will give me the love and respect I deserve. For the last couple of years I ave been feeling like the spare part. He constantly talks about other girls even though he says he is joking, but has compared me to exes, he has tons of pics of girls and I caught him playing with himself over pics of other girls on our 12th anniversary in my kitchen! And the funny thing is I made and gave him nude pics and footage of me but he has never used it from what he told me and also told me he does not fantasize about me but has no problems fantasizing about other girls. He even fought with me to keep all those pics over me. He leaves me at home most days and nights by myself of the week every week and its like I have to remind him am here but if its to go and be with friends you don’t need to tell him twice. I don’t even feel like I appeal to him unless am doing certain sexual favors. What am I supposed to think or feel about this? Can someone help me out with this dilemma?

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23 Answers

john65pennington's avatar

Being with him for twelve years is 10 years too many. he is a user. he uses you for just one thing and thats sex. sorry to be so harsh, but it is what it is. if you can leave, do it now. unless you want twelve more years of torture.

chyna's avatar

Why exactly are you with him? He is disrespectful, gives you no attention, looks at other women and only wants sexual favors from you. And you are with your fourth child with him. If he hasn’t married you by now, he never will. I know it is easier said than done, but you need to leave this loser. And really, who plays with themself in the kitchen with 3 kids running around?

mrentropy's avatar

I’m with @john65pennington again.
After twelve years and four kids it seems kind of obvious.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Have you talked to him about all of this before? If you have and he doesn’t seem to care, then I agree with the others. It sounds like he is using you for the sex. How is he with his children? Does he ever take you out? Does he act like he is ashamed of you when you are out together. Personally, I wouldn’t tolerate someone treating me like that. You deserve someone that will love you and care for you the way you care for them. Do you have a support system that would help you leave him? Is your place in his name, your name, or both names?

Would you want one of your children to have the relationship that you have? If not, then why is it okay for you? What would you tell your best friend if she was the one saying everything you have said?

rebbel's avatar

I think this has be done before by Fluther users before me, but suppose the following: a girlfriend of yours is coming to you with the story you are now telling us…, what would you advice her?

BoBo1946's avatar

First, leave asap! Then, get a lawyer to have him support your 4 children. Those children should be your total focus in this bizarre circumstance! really find this hard to comprehend that you would allow him to treat you like this!

ronski's avatar

It seems to me that you would be better off without him. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t happen sooner. I have no idea how long this has been going on, but it seems like there is no changing him. If he were a real man, he would have broken it off with you. Be careful though.

I am sure you will find something more true in your next endeavor, whatever that may be….Good luck to you and your children.

marinelife's avatar

You have some real self esteem issues. the fact that you have put up with his behavior for 12 years and four children is proof of that.

Why are you still with him? It does not sound like he is good to you.

Is he great with your kids?

You need to start seeing a counselor right away to discuss your situation and what you should do. Should you leave him? I think so.

You should also see a lawyer to see if you qualify as his common-law wife and have the rights of a spouse.

tranquilsea's avatar

As others have stated this situation is not good. Worse, by staying with him all this time you have unintentionally given him the ok to treat you like this. If he is leaving on your own for most nights during the week then I would highly suspect he is not sleeping on his buddy’s couch. You seem to be the fall back for him and you deserve better. But you have to believe you deserve better.

If you can’t do this for your sake then do it for your kids’ sake. If you continue to let this loser use you then you are teaching your sons that it is ok to treat women like that and you’re teaching your daughters that they should expect nothing but that.

If your housing and finances are not dependent on him then tell him it’s over and mean it. If you are financially dependent on him then look into some services to help transition and when they are in place leave him and mean it.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@jojo167 You are no dummy. You knew most of what others have been telling you before your asked your question. You need someone to help you navigate your way through the steps you need to take to restore your self-respect and take charge of your life and provide your the needs of you children. I can help you get started but you really need someone local to connect you to the local services and organizations that can help you make the transition ahead of you.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

You’re leaving a lot out of this description. What exactly are the dynamics of your relationship and what do you enable for him? Have you in some way replaced his mother and his family?

In all relationships, there are his side, her side and the truth. Your side is that you’ve got three children with this man and a fourth on the way, and you want romance. He’s treating you as “his old lady” and you’ve been okay with that enough to have his children. At what point did feeling neglected start?

After 12 years, and 4 children, this guy isn’t your “boyfriend”. He’s a common-law husband in most states.

chyna's avatar

Hmm, she hasn’t been back to answer any questions.

tristanbrotherton's avatar

From your description it sounds like an unbalanced relationship. If you feel a relationship is unbalanced you need to take action to balance it. If your unable to do that, you should end the relationship.

plethora's avatar

Your children, if you stay much longer, are going to model his behavior and disrespect and ignore you too. Get out Now.

SuperMouse's avatar

This man seems to have absolutely no respect for you as a woman, a partner, or the mother of his children. I know that sounds harsh, but you deserve better – no one deserves to be treated like that. No one.

jojo167's avatar

Soz guys I only managed to respond to one person so far and now am dealing with my boyfriend, I have suggested he should come on ere aswell but he doesnt want to start typing rite now so I will get back to you others shortly, thanks for all your responses tho I really appriciate it. Thanks

syz's avatar

Are you serious? Get thee to a mental health counselor. Not a couples counselor. Someone to help you with your self esteem issues. And stop compounding your complications – use a rubber, for God’s sake!

breathe's avatar

@PandoraBoxx I have to agree with you. This isn’t the entire story. We all know there are two sides of every story, and she know it too. Obviously she doesn’t command respect, and you will never get by demanding it. At this point I don’t think there will be a great deal of change in him unless they go to a marriage counselor.

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perspicacious's avatar

Is he settling? The question is— are you!???!!!!

CaptainHarley's avatar

You are being used. This guy is a familiar “type” to me, since one of my daughters got invovled with several of them at different times. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave him… cold! Even if you don’t find anyone else right away, you’re miles ahead dumping him flat. Make sure you contact a lawyer before you take a step like this, especially in light of your children. You don’t want him having any sort of “rights” over them.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

He wants you because you afford him everything else he wants too but do you really think he’d choose just you? It’s okay to leave someone you love and who you feel loves you even if their actions don’t back their words or their good intentions. You’ve got just one mortal life to live so why not do it with partners who will make you feel like you’re loved the way you want, with respect. If he really thought the world of you and you two as a couple then he wouldn’t want anything to hurt your feelings, he wouldn’t let crap like the pics of other women even happen.

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