Social Question

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Do you want to have your pet/s in your bed?

Asked by Neizvestnaya (22622points) July 10th, 2010

Ok here it is. My partner and I are living together and that means we’ve blended pets, his two dogs and my one. I don’t let my dog in my bedroom much less up on or in under the bed covers while my partner has never had a problem letting his dogs go wherever they please and he even says he misses the one dog sleeping under the covers with us. This is repulsive to me and I only tolerated it because I chose the man and said so upfront.

Now we’re in negotiations to move into a new house that will be “ours”. I still don’t want the dogs in the bedrooms, not really in the house at all but also know there must be compromise since my partner loves his dogs in a way I don’t love mine. For me, getting into bed is next to sacred, not the place I want the smell of dog ass, dog dirt, dog hair, etc. What to do?

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46 Answers

tinyfaery's avatar

You said it. You knew about his love for his dogs and the fact that you SO wants to have his dogs in the bed. You signed on with that knowledge. You can’t just expect him to change his ways now.

What’s the point of pets if you don’t want them around? You don’t even want the dogs in the house? I can’t even imagine what your dog is experiencing, seeing how much love the other dogs receive. How horrible. Did you lie and say you don’t mind the dogs in the bed and does he know that you really aren’t an animal lover? If you continue with this charade it will end badly.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@tinyfaery
No, I never lied about not wanting the dogs on or in the bed and so we would shut the door to the bedrooms. His dogs and my dog get a lot of love from the both of us, but outdoors. If they could be trusted not to pee on the floors or on the furniture legs then it would only be a compromise of them being allowed up on the chairs or sofas.

I don’t think I wrote anywhere I am not a pet lover or that my dog is _un_loved, but thanks for your opinion anyway.

tinyfaery's avatar

You said, “I still don’t want the dogs in the bedrooms, not really in the house at all but also know there must be compromise since my partner loves his dogs in a way I don’t love mine.”

He let’s his dogs piss in the house? I don’t believe that. And YOU are the human. YOU train the dog. If they piss in the house it’s your fault. You’re just another ignorant pet owner. Geesh. They should have classes for people like you. Oh, they do.

jazmina88's avatar

Well, if there is 2 folks in a bed, sometimes it gets crowded….But I loved my cat sleepin on top of me, but dogs are harder to sleep with…..
My dog is 2 big. Poor ole girl.

jerv's avatar

I am so glad my wife and I are cat people

Personally, I haven’t ever had an issue with it, but that is because cats are box-trained, fastidiously clean, and fairly small whereas dogs… well… not so clean and generally big enough to take half a queen-sized bed unless you get an annoying, yapping “kick-me” thing that might become a dog if force-fed steroids

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

As much as we love our dogs, they do not belong on the beds at any time. They have their own beds to which they seem very attached.

rooeytoo's avatar

Once upon a time, I got rid of a dog I truly loved because my husband didn’t get along with him, the husband and I later divorced. At that time I decided a mate would never come between me and my dogs again because the mates come and go, the dogs stay until death do us part.

I would hunt for a mate who felt the same way I did instead of trying to change this one into what I think he should be. At some point in time, his resentment at this demand for change is bound to surface. At least it would for me as it did when I acquiesced in the example I have given.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence
My little dog has always enjoyed his own bed even when he got older, started to pee indoors and got moved outside. My bf’s dogs are young, about 5yrs old and he says they never peed in his house, only in his apt. and I think it’s because they were so stressed going from a house with yard to an upstairs coop. Maybe if I suggest we get his dogs individual pillows or beds for the patio. I should say we do let the dogs come inside but only under supervision and not overnight.

@rooeytoo- No one’s talking about getting rid of our critters, I just like sleeping under the covers with my guy rather than his dogs and their dog hairs wrapped around my eyeballs in the morning. I think I will mention tonight my SO come forth with any so far squelched resentment and give him the option to walk on me know before I invest any further if it’s so important to him to sleep with a stinky dog in our bed rather than me. Any partner who would harbor my want of comfort and cleanliness against me really should go pick another mate.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

I don’t have much choice. :)
When I’m the only one left in the house, my dog Jack will whine a the bedroom door until I let him in and he jumps up on the bed. The only problem is that he does this about 4 times in a half hour.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@py_sue
Oh gawd, no. I once had a cat like that and there was no explanation as to why he was so obsessive and needy. He would follow me from room to room, in constant contact with my ankle and even wait atop the toilet tank while I showered. Pets are weird.

Your_Majesty's avatar

I wouldn’t consider his request in your position. What if you like cats to sleep on your bed but he doesn’t like that? Will he allow your cats to sleep with him? I wouldn’t count selfishness as part of commitment.

Letting your dog sleeps on the floor or at least not on your bed is beneficial for both you and your dog. You won’t suffer from asthma(if you had),and more place to roll around with your partner. If you let your dog to sleep with you then this will lead to another personality problem,I believe they call it ‘Dominance syndrome’. The structure of dog pack is that a lower member should sleep under the higher(Alpha) member. If you sleep with your dog then both of you have the same position in dog’s hierarchy.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Doctor_D
That’s an issue we’ve got in training right now! The bf’s little chi-pin is the one who likes to sleep under the sheets and he’s the dominant and the one we are having a hard time breaking of the need to mark the furniture with pee. According to Cesar Milan Dog Whisperer man then we should make the largest dog (Pittbull) the dominant and let other two smaller fall in line but it sure is easier said than done.

Coloma's avatar

I couldn’t tolerate sleeping with dogs. My two cats are very well mannered, have their respective spots at the foot of my bed. They are not all over my face and pillows although I do like to reach out and touch them from time to time. :-)

Dogs are very different.

I can see how this could be dilemma in some relationships.

The best you can do is find a good comprimise that works well for everyone, including the the dogs.

I have given this some thought myself as to potential future relationships, and no, a non-negotiable for me too.

Now…the dogs could have their own bedroom, if I didn’t have to clean it. lol

tranquilsea's avatar

Allowing dogs to sleep on your bed could complicate or lead to dominance issues. I love my dog but he has never been allowed on our bed. I know my hubby has let him up on the bed when I’ve been out of town but that comes to a screeching halt the first night I am back. He sleeps in his own bed at the foot our of bed.

janbb's avatar

No dogs in the bedroom, but housebroken dogs allowed the rest of the house or unhousebroken dogs in the kitchen at night seems a reasonable compromise to me.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I’ve lived with both cats and dogs and have enjoyed the company of both. Some chose to sleep on the bed. One cat ripped a hole in the lining of the bottom of the box spring and would sleep in it like a hammock.

My fiancé has no desire to own a pet; not even a fish. It’s on his deal-breaker list. Because I love him more than owning a pet, I’m fine with this clause. I can always offer to walk a neighbor’s dog or do volunteer work at the local SPCA if the urge to be around animals grows too strong.

The point is, if you love each other, you will need to communicate and negotiate.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@janbb
Good idea on letting them stay in the kitchen at night. I’m hoping our next house will have a kitchen that opens onto the back patio so we can install one of those panel insert dog doors and then block off access to the other rooms at night. Thing is, the little one can jump about 4ft straight up. Gonna work on this one.

whatnot's avatar

I do! I do! My pup is an awesome cuddler! So, I’d love to have him sleep in bed every night! Unfortunately, my S/O adamantly refuses to allow Junior on the bed. Twice I’ve snuck him in while S/O was not at home. The second time, I placed a towel down so Junior wouldn’t touch the sheets. It was the best nap ever! Silly me told S/O about the cuddle-fest, and I was in the dog house for awhile until I verbally signed a contract ensuring the permanent barring of pup-meister from the bed! Junior may sleep anywhere else in the house, including the futon, but the bed is off limits per S/O. The reason: S/O believes it is completely unsanitary to have pets on the bed because of the walkabouts in the outdoor potty.

chyna's avatar

I love my dog, but she is not allowed in my bed. She has a bed of her own at the side of my bed.

aprilsimnel's avatar

When I was a teenager, my cat would sleep above my head, or on my chest. I wouldn’t allow that now.

Buttonstc's avatar

If you are relying on Cesar Milan for your pet training advice, you need to find better.

If you both have dogs which are STILL peeing indoors, that’s what needs to be corrected first.

As far as the needs of your SO are concerned, a dog bed next to your bed seems to be a lot more understanding and fair than just barring them from the bedroom altogether. That way he still can have them nearby and you can have the bed for just people. Dogs can be trained to sleep in their own little beds unlike cats who basically rule the roost.

It’s a good thing that I prefer having my nice clean kitty in bed as that’s what SHE has chosen. Unlikely I could persuade her otherwise.

But seriously, both of you need to get all the dogs in your household thoroughly trained regarding both bathrooming and sleeping. You and your guy should be alpha to both of them equally. If they sleep in their own little beds next to yours, everybody is happy.

www.mysmartpuppy.com

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Thanks @Buttonstc
Right now the dogs still think we’re their slaves. My mom is good with training and has taken the lead which we try to follow. I personally don’t see why the dogs need to be in our intimate space but I’ll find out how serious my partner is about this because dog beds on the bedroom floor would be doable as a last resort to us humans breaking up. The potty thing though is so frustrating and inconsistent.

Buttonstc's avatar

You would do well to invest in a good quality dog training book and just follow it step by step. NOT Cesar’s books tho.

There are several listed on the link there.

A few others I would recommend are those by The Monks Of New Skete

Matthew Margolis (Uncle Matty)

They all use a positive, but firm, and loving approach.

Cesar does this flicking nonsense which is borderline abusive and can seriously frighten a timid dog. There is no need for tactics like that. Just because he’s on TV people think he’s God or something. He’s merely the flavor of the month and his tactics are questionable.
The folks I listed all have long track records of excellence and success using positive methods.

Pick one whose personality you resonate with, buy their book and follow it systematically. That’s how I trained my 99 lb. German Shepherd. Just followed the book. Consistency is the key.

www.newsketemonks.com

…..........................................

www.unclematty.com

Coloma's avatar

Well, I’ll be sleeping with assorted June bugs, long skinny weird flying beetles, giant Lacewings and Mosquito eaters tonight.
Just opened the front door and a rush of new pets charged in on this sultry summer night.

Here kitty, kitty, kitties…. lol :-/

rooeytoo's avatar

There is no one and only way to train dogs. Some dogs can be adequately trained with clicker others need Cesar or Koehler or Leerburg.

Most police and military working dogs as well as schutzhund dogs, the ones who absolutely have to obey when commanded because their life or a human’s life may depend on it, are still trained with one or another form of Koehler’s methods.

Too many dogs are being abandoned or killed because of behavioral problems that could be solved by a knowledgeable trainer who knows how to utilize whatever method is necessary to save the dog’s life.

OpryLeigh's avatar

Both my dogs sleep on the bed and are allowed anywhere in the house. They are both trained to go to the toilet outside and are both kept clean so I don’t have an issue with smelly dogs. However, if your dogs think of you as their slaves then I wouldn’t recommend letting them on the beds until you assert yourselves enough so they see you as top dog. My dogs get off the bed as soon as I tell them too and there are no dominance issues with them. I think you need to get the pecking order right in your household before you do anything and then your partner and you can discuss where they all sleep and what their boundaries are. The most important thing here is that your partner and you both apply the same rules. If one of you allows the dogs more than the other would then this could lead to problems. Consistency is key.

NaturallyMe's avatar

Yes i do!! I have cats and they can go where ever they want, and they’re always on the bed with us at night time. They don’t often go under the covers because i suppose they don’t like it, except my one kitty (who’s no longer here :( ) used to get under the covers with me when she was cold. If they need to stay warm (or even if they’re just in the mood for no reason), they’re more than welcome to come under the covers with us.
But cats don’t smell like dog, instead they’re so fresh and clean, hehe, so it’s fine. My kitties are my children and i’d do anything for them, to make them happy.
Fortunately my husband likes cats too (maybe not as much as me, but he LOVES our babies), and he’s happy to have them on the bed with us too. :)

BoBo1946's avatar

If there is no compromise on this one, maybe separate beds would suffice!

SmashTheState's avatar

I’ve never understood people who aren’t “dog people” owning dogs. If you don’t know what a “dog person” is, you aren’t one. We all know who we are. We’re the ones who guility sniff dogs when no one is around because we just fucking love the smell of hot doggie. Who don’t mind swapping licks of an ice cream cone with the dog. Who consider a howling, growling, snarling tangle of paws and feet and hands and snout rolling across the living room in a glorious ball of scratches and bruises a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon. If none of those things are appealing to you, you’re not a “dog person” and you’ll never understand why we and our dogs don’t mind spending the night farting on each other.

jerv's avatar

@SmashTheState Because cats are far superior :P

NaturallyMe's avatar

@SmashTheState – LOL
@jerv – you got it! (tee hee)

downtide's avatar

My dog will sleep on my bed when no-one else is there but we don’t let her share it. (In fact I can’t get her to come onto the bed with me at all – so ingrained is her Omega position in the pack). She has her own bed in our bedroom. Although she tends to spend most of the night sleeping on the couch downstairs.

Coloma's avatar

In my younger years I did have a little dog that slept with me, I adored her, although I am a cat person through and through.

I also had a boyfriend with a huge German Shepherd that flopped on us in bed…liked him too but waaay too much dog for a bed. lol

I have changed a lot as I have gotten older though, after years of lots of pets and raising a child and all the work and chores, I now prefer simplicity of everything, though I still have plenty of chores. lol

I’ll always love animals and have a couple around but my days of wanting to spend 4 hours a day on animal maintainance are long gone.

Slogging through the mud to feed horses, chickens, wiping wet dogs down before they came in the house, the endless management scene…uh uh…I’m done! haha

I still have the cat chores, brushings, litter box scene and the goose pools, daily salad bar preps for them, endless watering chores… but, I am making progress in my downsizing. lol

jerv's avatar

@Coloma That is why I prefer short-hairs; less brushing. Hell, with the proper diet, they hardly shed at all. My wife leaves more hair on my clothes than my cat!

BoBo1946's avatar

For the record…loll…Sadie can sleep anywhere she damn well please! all i got to say about the matter!

OpryLeigh's avatar

@SmashTheState I’m so pleased you said that, I thought I was the only one who “guilty sniffs” dogs!

Coloma's avatar

@jerv

I have one of each. The fluffy guy just got his summer shave job last week…yes!

janbb's avatar

I never let my gormless cocker Prince sleep on the bed, but last week, in the middle of a heatwave with no air conditioning at my son’s, I had my granddog brilliant Brittany Merlin on my bed for half the night. Guess it’s the difference between dogs and granddogs!

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@SmashTheState You have just described my father. He’d come home from a business trip and first greet the dog. Both would lay down on the dining room carpet and wrestle, snuggle and talk tenderly to each other. The parents also had a Dachshund who was allowed to sleep at the foot of the bed under the covers.

When Dad died, it was only made worse when one of us drove his car and pulled into the driveway. The dog would immediately run for the door and whine. It about broke our hearts. Mom sold the vehicle.

@Leanne1986 I love the smell of their paws.

eyeDani's avatar

I don’t mind my kitty in my bed.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@SmashTheState
Hilarious! Yeah, I’m guilty of cuddling and smooshing my face into my doggies mane when but the bed is a different place.

Thank you all for the references for training and stuff. What we’ve come up with is keeping the dogs as outside pets until the new pecking order is established and then letting them have supervised indoor privileges and overnight in the kitchen area able to go in and out through a doggie door.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Thanks for giving us an update.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer
I thought I should and really gave the thread deep thought, especially after @tinyfaery freaked out on me. I asked my bf if he was holding back on how important the dogs in the bed were to him and showed him this thread. A few laughs later and I can report we are still going to be one big happy Alpha, alpha lights and omegas family.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Neizvestnaya That’s an even better update. Let us know how it goes with the pet situation and post a wedding announcement, should it get to that point.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer
Knock on wood, that would be lovely :)

sleepdoc's avatar

Some days I can’t get a good night sleep with the extra tosser and turner.

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