General Question

olivian's avatar

Dilemma: No longer in love with the person supporting me?

Asked by olivian (29points) July 18th, 2010

Okay, I need help and am very frustrated.

About two years ago I started seeing this 25 year old guy. I was 17, living with my dad and his gf who had just moved me across the United States. Home life wasn’t good so I vented by sneaking around with this older man. About a week from my 18th birthday I am so fed up with my home life I leave and move in with my boyfriend. It wasn’t that I wanted to live with him, it was that I didn’t know where else to go. We have been through a lot and he has suported me this entire time (I am now 19). We now have an apartment and two cats that i love. I am just not in love with him. I don’t think I ever was in love with him. I love him, yeah, but not in this way. I don’t even think hes attractive anymore, I never want to have sex or do anything because i am repulsed by him. I hate his personality and we have very little in common.I think hes too old for me now and a pervert. Im about to start college and I feel trapped in this ‘life’ with him. I feel like I should be acting my age and not feel like a 50 year old woman in a loveless marriage. I feel so much older than i am. I get depressed a lot. MY boyfriend is a good guy hes just not what i want, we arent compatible. He loves me and would be heartbroken if i left and I would be sad to leave the house and the cats. Not to mention I don’t know where I would go, my family living on the other side of the country. Everytime I hangout with other guys I feel like cheating. I don’t want to cheat on him bt im scared that i am wasting my life with him. I really don’t know what to do and need advice asap. This is killing me.

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40 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

I don’t see what the dilemma is, many people have to support themselves, you should try the same. It’s easier said than done, of course. It won’t be easy, but in my opinion, you are now using this guy.

dpworkin's avatar

That’s not a dilemma. You only have one good option, and you already know what it is.

cazzie's avatar

Get out of the relationship and stop using him. You obviously feel guilty and have enough self respect to know what you MUST do. Give the man some respect as well and end it. Don’t waste anyone’s time, because remember, you’re wasting his too if this is how you feel. Change is scary, but living in a fraud is worse. Be true to yourself and your feelings. Make the change. (geez.. listen to that, coming from ME! I get hypocrite award for that!)

janbb's avatar

Have to agree with all of the above. Find a job, find an apartment-share, go to night school but you have to move out and move on. You know that’s true, don’t you?

chyna's avatar

If you are about to start college, can you live in the dorms? How are you going to pay for college?

MaryW's avatar

You know you must resolve this. You can explain and leave. You know already that you must use this maturity you have found. Growing up is not easy at all. It hurts to make big decisions. Even when they are necessary.

olivian's avatar

I am currently looking for a job but we just moved into ANOTHER new city.
And if i left he would try to keep the cats.
My dad is paying for my college because he feels guilty, I cant go live with my dad though.
I do love this guy just not in any romantic way.

dpworkin's avatar

You asked for advice, you got advice, now you are whining and making excuses. Grow up, and quit bothering people if you don’t intend to listen to them.

cazzie's avatar

You are going to look back on this and laugh that you were worried about the cats. Seriously. Pets are nice, but custody of a pet should NOT be the deal breaker when considering this kind of decision. Your feelings and his life is BIGGER than some cat.

chyna's avatar

@dpworkin Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Why do people do this? Ask advice on how to do something and then argue against doing it?

janbb's avatar

Stay or go – it’s your choice, but it sounds like you are miserable. If you leave, you probably won’t be able to afford the cats anyway. Some people have had to leave beloved children in order to be free of a destructive marriage.

cazzie's avatar

I’m all for ‘venting.’ I think once you say things out loud, it can change how you feel about them. Have you tried talking to this guy about how you’re feeling? Hooking up with such a young kid, he’s bound to expect that you are going to go though some changes.

olivian's avatar

Ive tried talking to him numerous times but he just gets upset or doesn’t listen, I think ultimately, it just feels like ‘settling’. I mean, I love him but im not in love with him, Sometimes I just wonder if settling is all there is.That makes me scared to leave. I know you all are right about needing to leave/support myself. Thats what im trying to do. Obviously easier said than done.

Buttonstc's avatar

You just state that you can’t live with your Dad, but give no reason.

The logical thing at this point would be to swallow your pride, admit you were wrong to split and live with either parent.

Either that or find a house share on Craigslist and get a part time job while in college. Since your college is being paid for the rest can’t be that difficult. Stop using this poor guy and you’ll be amazed at how quickly your depression lifts.

You know what you need to do and the sooner you do it the better you’ll feel.

PS. If he wants to keep the cats I’m assuming that also means he loves them and would take care of them. I know you’ll miss them but as you continue to grow up you’ll discover that NOT EVERYTHING in life is always all about you. That’s the beginning of maturity. Don’t squelch it or you’ll end up getting in the habit of using people and not feeling good about yourself in your more thoughtful moments.

marinelife's avatar

Are your parents paying for college? If so, consider telling them what is going on and that you need a place to live. If not, go to the financial aid office and explain your situation. Have them find you campus housing.

It is your job to tell your boyfriend (in a kind way—no need to go with repulsed) that your feelings have changed, and that you will be moving out.

Do not cheat on him. That is not deserved, and it gets you nowhere.

You need to take this slowly, one step at a time, and change your living situation.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

This is one of those times that perfectly illustrates why young women should not date men that much older than them. I’m not saying it can never work, I’m just saying that, more often than not, the young woman is not actually interested in the older man. Even if it seems like it, there’s usually always some kind of issues surrounding the young woman’s “interest”.

That said… @olivian You yourself said that you think this guy is a pervert. If that’s the case, realize your mistake, suck it up and tell him how you feel, and then just go. Will it hurt him? Very possibly, but what you’re doing is wrong, and you know it. Even if he is a pervert – you also used him. Granted, you were young and confused and coming from a bad situation, so at the time your actions are a little forgivable. But two years later, you’re mature enough to realize that you never actually loved him, which means you’re mature enough to realize that you should not continue to use him.

The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter if he supports you right now. Being on your own will be hard, but you can not continue to use him if you want to consider yourself a good person. Not now that you’re perfectly aware of the mistake you made. Whether or not he chooses to listen to what you have to say doesn’t matter, either. If he chooses not to, so be it, there’s nothing you can do about it. Either way, that doesn’t stop you from doing the right thing and just leaving.

You’re only 19. Settling at your age would be, I’m sorry, beyond stupid. You have so much to experience still, so many different kinds of people to meet – especially after you start college. Don’t even think about making your life this miserable at such a young age, it’s absolutely avoidable.

FutureMemory's avatar

I love how you keep mentioning the cats.

olivian's avatar

Sorry, I get really attatched to people/animals/things

I would be heartbroken to leave him/them

But I guess it would be for the best

marinelife's avatar

@olivian Yes, listen to your inner voice. What is there to stay for?

cazzie's avatar

If he won’t listen, it sounds like he’s in denial. ‘Ostriching’ is a classic male disease. It’s not settling at your age, it’s ‘using’. This is all going to come down to respect. How much self respect you have and how much respect you have for this guy. You have to be able tolook at yourself in the mirror. There are compromises when relationships become one sided. You have to ask yourself if you can really do that.

olivian's avatar

It just hurts a lot (and im not arguing against any of you!) to leave someone who has been there for me and loves me. I feel like he has this future planned out for us, like getting married and having kids. Though part of me feels like i owe it to him, the other part knows it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue this lie. The only reason i say it would be settling is beacuse i DO love him. If there was no connection whatsoever it would be much easier to leave.

Seaofclouds's avatar

The only thing you owe him is to be honest with him. Do you really want the rest of your life to be like it is now (in a relationship with someone you consider to be a pervert and that repulses you)? Talk to him about it. Be honest about how you feel. If you really want the cats, tell him you are taking the cats with you when you leave, just be sure you can properly care for them (otherwise it’s not fair for them).

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@olivian It will hurt, because you realized that you made a mistake. But you yourself have to realize that he is much older than you, at a completely different place in life right now. He knew, as a grown man, what he might be getting into, when he showed interest in you and offered to help you out. He also can not plan a future with you – unless you are also part of that process. He doesn’t, on his own, get to decide whether or not he will marry you; that requires a “yes” on your part, or whether or not you will have his children; that also requires your cooperation.

Sweetie, get out before you make even bigger mistakes that you’ll regret down the road. You don’t love him and that’s okay. You care about him, and that’s good, but you don’t owe him anything. You’re very young and you have your life to live – just like he got to at your age. You didn’t force him to help take care of you – that was an adult decision that he made. And now, it’s your turn to make an adult decision. For your sake, and his, you have to do the right thing.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Get a job and be prepared to downsize your lifestyle.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It won’t be easy since you’ve become accustomed otherwise but like many many people you’ll learn how to work and support yourself in whatever lifestyle you can. You can talk with him and tell him while you love him and have grown comfortable, you don’t feel “in love” any longer in the romantic way. Believe me, 25yrs old versus 19yrs old is no big spread but how you feel emotionally mature wise in your age is what is relevant right now and he’ll probably understand it. Yes, he might be heartbroken but few people want someone to stay with them out of gratitude or default instead of love. Go live your life and free him up to live his with someone who’s on the same page as he is. Make a pledge to yourself never to go with someone again unless you’re in it for the reasons they are.

bunnygrl's avatar

you know from everything you’ve said above, I do feel this poor lad is getting a bum deal here. Please, forgive me, but I feel more sorry for him than you, at this point. Calling the lad a pervert, when all he seems to have done is fall in love with you, give you a home, cats (how domestic is that) and provided for you. Where I grew up thats usually seen as “doing the right thing by a girl”, and you call him a pervert online. That is just outrageous, and not a word you should be throwing around carelessly.

You’ve led this poor lad on for two years and he likely thinks that he’s found his life partner. The age thing is relative too, girls usually develop far faster in all sorts of ways than boys do, and this includes emotionally. The age gap between you is not huge, but reading your responses, maybe you haven’t matured enough to be in a proper relationship yet. I’ve been with my hubby since I was 19 (and were friends before then) and this year will celebrate our 26th wedding aniversary, so yes, it can happen but if you have just been leading this poor lad on, to keep doing it seems so tragic.

No one can tell you what to do sweetheart but this lad has taken care of you when he didn’t have to, if you’re going to leave him, at the very, very least explain why and leave him with kindness. The poor lad deserves that from you, and please remember that he’s invested two years of his life in what he’s likely thought was domestic bliss with you (I keep thinking of the cats), the way you end it might well affect any other relationship he has. He deserves honesty.

Thats a lot of responsibility to lay on a person, I know, but guess what, thats what it means to be a grown up. I wouldn’t be saying any of this if you had said anything to even suggest that he’s been bad to you, if that was the case I’d be saying grab your coat and don’t look back, but nothing you’ve said implies that. I wish you the very best sweetheart, I really do. Sending mountains of hugs your way, but also to your partner too. <hugs>
edit: also wanted to say good luck with college <hugs>

olivian's avatar

I dont feel like i’ve led him on because i liked him and grew to love him. It just didn’t turn into anything from there. These feelings about him are only surfacing because i realize that love will never turn into “in love.” I really wish it could. But i would never do anything to damage him. It would break my heart to break his. and it is.

bunnygrl's avatar

@olivian honey im so sorry, this must be hurting you too of course, <hugs> I wish I could solve it for you, so you could be happier. Its so easy to forget how scary everything in life is when you’re still so young. If you handle this well, maybe you can still stay friends? <throws hugs> xx

aprilsimnel's avatar

Do him a kindness and let him go so that he can find someone who will be able to love him.

You’ll do yourself a kindness too, by learning how to tell people the truth about how you feel, doing right by people and taking responsibility for for your feelings. It’s certainly not pleasant, but being able to have a conversation like this, accepting the consequences, learning not to take it personally and moving on is one of the markers of adulthood, I believe.

Good luck.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@olivian- you won’t be the last person to find themselves in your situation and I’m sure he’s known of at least one other person to go through it. If he’s mature then he’ll get past his disappointment, hurt or even anger in order to let you go. It’s okay to be angry when you think someone’s been “in love” with you and is no longer, it really sucks and you have to let him feel that and work through it with as much dignity and space as he requires. He might not want to be your friend for awhile, maybe never again but you have to do this thing to be fair. We all get one mortal finite life that we know for sure and that’s precious time, respect that as often as you can with people you engage.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I have to agree with @bunnygrl in so many ways…it was a bit cruel to say those things about him to a roomful of people who don’t know you or him, especially after all he’s done for you. Some things are really best left unsaid. All we needed to know was that you’ve gotten yourself into a fix and need some advice getting out.

Cruiser's avatar

Do him a favor and pack your bags now and don’t waste another day of his life or yours. Spend time with someone you actually want to be with and don’t lead him on for another day!

perspicacious's avatar

Tell him how you feel and get your own place. You’ll have to work to support yourself. See, that’s not such a hard decision.

MaryW's avatar

@olivian Please start from your question and read every word you wrote. Then start from the beginning of the whole thread and read every line carefully. You know that you are in a mess of feelings. Take the feelings out and see what facts come through.

chyna's avatar

I’m just wondering what makes him a “perv”? Is this just a name you are calling him or does he have kiddie porn, peep in windows, expose himself, or something else?

Jude's avatar

Get your shit together. Breakup with the poor guy and let him find someone who really loves him. Then go out on your own and take care of your own self…

Trillian's avatar

Why should he not keep the caats? He’s the one with means of support and a place to live. You can’t have cats in a dorm. Go to school and start earning a living. Get a place of your own. then you can worry about having a pet. You can’t support yourself at this point, let alone a cat.

Kraigmo's avatar

You just need to jump and do it. If preparation is needed, get the preparation going.

First, you need to line up a place to live and a way to afford it. All that needs to be done ahead of time so you are clearheaded when you do the hardest part.

You need a job that makes enough for you to afford a room for rent. Usually “rooms for rent” are a lot cheaper than apartments, etc. Although you may end up in another bad situation, just keep moving till you feel good.

But first you need a job that fits with your college. Ideally, get a job at your college in the cafeteria, bookstore, or elsewhere. Those jobs are easy, and they help you support your life, and you don’t have to drive anywhere to get to it.

But you definitely need a job, (Or do you have a job already? keep it) which is adding a whole new level of stress to your life, but since you are miserable now anyway, it is worth it.

Once you have at least 3 times the income that your room for rent costs per month, you are safely ready to make the break.

When you make the break, you have to tread the fine line between you being firm, and you not stabbing his broken heart. But err on being firm, if you must err. Do this on a day he does not have to work the next day. He’s going to be sick as hell over this, so do this on a Friday, or whatever his own friday is. Have Benedryl in the house, because he won’t be able to sleep that night.

There is no quick urgency to all this, but you really should do it before the end of the year. You should look for a job as soon as you know your school schedule. The very next day, after you know. You’ll be so happy when this is all done with, but you got a lot of work ahead of you. Take it step by step, and do it.

After the break, do not re-hash your explanations to him. He of course deserves some explanation, but that will happen the day you break up with him. After that day, all discussions must be prevented. He may call you, do not answer. Use your answering machine or voicemail till you know he’s given up.

Your spirit will be free, it’s just a matter of you going through each step it takes to make the break.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. This is pretty much a no brainer. Especially if you put yourself in his place. Imagine you found out the man you were supporting, giving a place to live, paying his cell bill, buying his gas, etc. was just using you as a place to crash and when he did have sex with you he was imagining you were some one else like Eve Torres, Alicia Keys etc. You would be pretty jacked off. If you don’t love him leave or have the decency to tell him.

By coming clean now you at least have the opportunity to frame and control the flow of information. To be discovered to be a fraud you might find yourself literally tossed out with no where to go less eat crow and hope papa takes you back. If you were able to explain the situation somewhat the way you explained it here you maybe able to end it on civil terms even though he will be crushed. He is no 13 year old horndog and eventually he will catch on and then nothing you can say will make a difference.

The fact of the matter is you basically talked yourself into believing you loved him to make using the poor bloke mot palatable but how you stop using him is totally in your hands.

syzygy2600's avatar

stop using people, get some dignity, take responsibility for your own life, ect ect..

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