Social Question

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Do you find it difficult to let go and ignore a situation in which you know lies are being spread about you?

Asked by WillWorkForChocolate (23147points) July 22nd, 2010

How hard is it to simply ignore everything when you know a person is feeding people you used to trust a bunch of lies?

I was recently in a situation where a “man” really betrayed a group I was part of. He crossed a line and then had the gall to deny it. I called him on it, with a polite but straightforward note about the situation. He twisted everything, making himself appear a victim and I an aggressor. He also went to several of my “friends” and told such terrible lies that they turned away from me. He continues to spread his BS around, and it’s getting more difficult to bite my tongue.

Has anything similar happened to you, and did you finally confront the liar, or did you reign yourself in and let it go?

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17 Answers

tranquilsea's avatar

If your friends turned away from you without getting your side of the story, then they aren’t very good friends.

I hate dealing with crap like this and I don’t envy you. You should go and talk to your friends and hopefully they’ll listen to you. If not, perhaps it is time to find some new friends.

Luffle's avatar

I would talk to your “friends” and tell the truth. It is up to them to believe you or not. If they are your friends, they will try to trust you assuming you have given them no reasons to doubt what you are saying. If they don’t trust you, find new friends.

As for the liar, I wouldn’t really bother confronting him. It might feel good to confront him but depending on the situation, it might make him seem more like a victim. This person probably wants to draw more attention to himself and by acknowledging them, you are only letting him win.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@tranquilsea Yes, I’ve already had that thought- that they aren’t true friends if they were that easily swayed, but I did get things straightened out with two of them. It feels a little better, but it still irks me to know the things this guy is saying behind my back, and that ppl are believing him instead of coming to me for the truth.

@Luffle I know, and that’s really the only reason I haven’t said anything to him. I desperately want to, and I want to write the same note to everyone involved with a copy of what I originally told him, just to set the record straight. I probably won’t though. Ugh, filthy liar. :P

llewis's avatar

Yes, just keep being true to your values, and figure the worth-while people will see that. Try to talk to the friends, but if they’re not listening to you then there’s nothing you can do about it. They’ll either figure out that he’s a liar or they won’t. Maybe when he turns on them they’ll learn.

It hurts. You have my sympathy.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I just can’t believe that people just accept that kind of crap without verifying it…..

YARNLADY's avatar

Your definition of friend is different from mine. I wouldn’t call a group like that friends.

stardust's avatar

I hate this crap. It’s very hard to put up with. Your friends don’t seem very genuine. I’d talk to them and tell the truth about the situation, but I wouldn’t count them as trustworthy friends after such an experience.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Sounds so totally middle school…..

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Dutchess_III Yes, it does. And the man I’m referring to is 25. When I wrote him that note, he should have been able to respond as an adult. Instead, he “left” the group and claimed that I told him to. Then claimed that I wrote him some bitchy, psycho 7 page email. In a way, it makes me laugh that he is so pathetic to imply that I care enough about him to write out 7 pages, but it’s infuriating to know that people I trusted would so easily believe his twisted version.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Can you give us any idea what the situation was about, @WillWorkForChocolate?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

He made highly offensive comments, deliberately trying to provoke tempers, and then the next day he tried to deny it, even though about 5 of us had heard him say it. It was ridiculous. So I wrote him a message, telling him that it made me angry he had given the group a denial instead of an apology. I told him his denial was a betrayal of the entire group and that offended me even more than his original comments.

And out of that, he created this bizarre story where I had written him this psycho 7 page email, cussed him out and told him to stay away from the group. He then went to a dear friend of mine and told her I had been bad mouthing her and “talking shit” about her behind her back, when strangely enough he had actually been the one who was blaming her for stupid things, but he had to make himself look like the victim, so of course, he was completely innocent.

She has a temper like mine and believed him for about 2 days until she came around and talked to me about it. We’ve got everything straightened out. But the rest of the group believes his lies.

I actually abandoned the entire thing, and left with a few people who knew the truth. This guy then went on to say that the ppl who left with me only left because they’re my little minions and do my bidding because I “offer them favors and talk dirty to them” LOL. He also told everyone that 2 other ppl left the group because I’m a horrible bitch and I offended them, which is really strange, because both of those people still talk to me every day!

Anyhow, he’s a cowardly lying snake, and entire thing has me frustrated.

tranquilsea's avatar

Wow, he has issues!

People like that end up alienating everyone. He’ll offend every one in the group and one by one they’ll realize his true nature.

I avoid people like him like the plague. Life is too short to have it impact my life to any great degree.

Marva's avatar

Wow, tough one… Sorry to hear…
For me, this is the thing most unbearable, to have people misunderstand me, think about me things that are wrong, without being able to make right, it is one of the hardest social situations…
He sounds like a case, actually, a person who has it so hard to accept he was wrong, that he will stop at nothing to prove he was right, or blame someone else. I’m sure he believes his own shit.

I think the best way to deal with it is to accept it. Try and think about it as a sign from life that you just best move on and hang out with a different group. Don’t even dig into why and so, just understand that your time with these people is finished, and that there must be something better around the corner.
Any confrontation with him, or people who believe him and have not asked you for your side of the story, could just dig your hole deeper and make you more upset.

Just turn the page over, and understand these people are less good friends than they seemed.

Good luck….

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@Marva Thanks, and I’ve been thinking along the same lines, it’s just difficult to really let go without setting the record straight before I walk away. Le sigh. LOL

Marva's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate I know exactly what you mean…
Just make it your mantra: “it only shows it is time to walk away”, just repeat it untill you stop caring. I know it’s hard….

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’ll echo what the other say in that this is frustrating and sad for you to have to weed out your friends from acquaintances but every now and then it’s good to clean house.

Berserker's avatar

I’d most certainly be driven to try and do something about it, however if you play it out long enough you might notice that the person spreading the bullshit will eventually look the fool when your daily actions fail to meet their claims, and people will get smart and wonder why that individual sound like an obsessive moron. You let them break the element of balance which otherwise sustains a lie.
It happened to me at one time, and it fixed itself on its own because at one point I got too discouraged to try to do anything about it anymore, so the person just looked like a raving lunatic. Kinda like a fluke. I’m not saying give up totally though, or that this would work every time; might depend on the people involved, just sharing a little something and hope it helps a bit.

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