Would you date a married person?

I guess my morals would get in the way. I have no problem having friends who are married, but if my emotions become really strong, I know there is something wrong. I wouldn’t want to be known as a person who destroyed a family. I personally don’t think that the children would have anything to do with my decision, because even if there weren’t any children the thoughts would still be coming from me.
Edit:
Since I have never been put in that situation, it is hard for me to say exactly where I should draw the line. But if I feel that I am doing something wrong, something has to be done.

I wouldn’t, and I’d have some unkind words to share with anyone who would. Married people are off-limits.

I would never get involved with a person that is married. Especially if they have children.

That’s just wrong.

(this is coming from someone that is married, of course.)

Never

No. Unless they were already separated and just waiting for the divorce to be finalised.

Nope. I’d feel pretty bad if their spouse or child found out, but as @downtide said..if they are waiting for a divorce, then why not.

Don’t do it. As tempting as it may be. It’s decisions like this that can have huge impacts on your life. If he is married, but is receptive to your attraction, what does it say of his character? Been through a very similar experience. Hence my advice not to pursue.

I’m with @downtide. If divorce papers have already been filed, sure. Otherwise, no.

NO

How classy. Yes. Of course. Break up a marriage. And more importantly, be with a man that would leave his WIFE.
Because of course that means he won’t do it to you one day.

If one goes through life disrespecting the boundaries that society has put in place, then one should not be offended when others disrespect the boundaries that they have put in place for their own lives.

No, I would not date or start a relationship with a married person.

NO! I despise people who do these kinds of things, just as i despise cheaters who ruin lives. I would hate for someone to consider MY husband dating material just because he’s nice to them (even though they know he’s married), so i would not dream of doing it to someone else.

I’d want no part in anything of the sort.

I’m an atheist progressive dude who’s cool with next to anything love-related and also perpetually single, and I still think cheating is despicable.

I know someone from before marriage and we get together once a year or so. I dont want to steal him. we just really get each other.

I didnt think I’d do it.

Go for it, be punk rock, fuck the children, they’ll get over it. Totally pursue this guy and do everything in your power to get him to leave his wife.
Just some devil’s advocate, excuse me

@truecomedian You are a rebellious jellie. LOL.

Would you be worried about whether or not this person would remain faithful to you or does that not matter?

I say that it’s the Pabst talking by now, and I’m gonna have to think about this one. There’s rules, but a lot of good has come from breaking the rules. When all is said and done, happiness matters, and that’s hard to come by. You are probably better off leaving the married man alone, yet if he’s unhappy in his relationship, you dont have to be the homewreker it will just happen.

@truecomedian – I agree with what I think you are saying. There are only 2 people who can destroy a marriage and that is the 2 spouses. If one is available that means the marriage is already dead whether they are still together or not. And I don’t think it is good for children to have that sort of relationship as a model for their own future relationships. It is better for them to see 2 separate but happy individuals than a couple who don’t really like each other hanging together. And yes, happiness matters and life is short so if you are not happy in a marriage or any committed relationship, then it is time to get out.

When a marriage breaks up and there is a third person involved, the third always seems to catch the blame, doesn’t make sense to me.

I would never knowingly date a married person.. And I’ve always wondered about people that do. To me, if you are dating a married man, and he did end up leaving his wife for you, what’s to say he wouldn’t do it you at some point.

No. Most married people who step out on their spouses are using the affair to avoid dealing with their stuff at home. It’s uncomfortable, but adults know that just because something is unpleasant is not an excuse to avoid it, especially conversations with their partners about why they might be unhappy in their relationship. Affairs just make things worse.

I hate having certain conversations, too, and I know about avoiding uncomfortable situations, but I have learned that putting things off makes them worse. People who are contemplating cheating should just go to their spouse and say “Hey, we have to talk, I’m not getting my needs met,” and deal with it.

No. I wouldn’t want to date a person who’s running away from themselves and their issues. It’s incredibly emotionally immature. I wouldn’t want that for myself.

Never. I had a situation like this but I didn’t have strong feeling for the guy. He had been a customer of a colleague and hounded me for a date. I finally gave in and he was all hands for most of it. It set my mind to wondering. I got back to the office the next day and pulled the file and found out that he was married. I was mad. When he called I reamed him out and told him to go back to his wife.

I still feel sorry for her. I’m sure he continued to do the same thing.

Nope.

Ugh, no. There should be no need to break it off, because it should never have started.

He treats you wonderfully? Think about how the woman he’s made the commitment to is being treated if you want to see his true character.

What ever floats your boat.

For me… A single person is enough work.

Would I date a married person? Yes, but only if he was married to me.

I date my husband all the time… but I’m sure that’s not what you meant. :P And no, I wouldn’t date a married man, although I do still flirt with them. As long as I can see the type of person they are, and I can see they won’t take it the wrong way, I flirt with married people all the time. When you’ve been married for a while, it’s fun to have a playful, innocent flirt. But actually dating or sleeping with a married person is totally out of the question.

What a crock of shit. Him treating you so well means he is treating his wife… how? Faithful to you? That’s a laugh. Do you deserve faithfulness? What did you think we were going to say? Treats you better. Continue seeing him. So you’re already nailing a married man who has a kid and you justify it by telling yourself that he treats you better.
God I hate cheaters. Go for it, and wallow in everything that you get from him. Please let us know the minute he starts cheating on you. I give it six months.

1. Cheaters cheat.
2. Time will tell if they can/will change.
3. Is that time worth it?
4. Always start any relationship with a clean slate.

@Trillian Why are you yelling at her? I saw a hypothetical question, I didn’t see her say she was actually doing it.

If I were to yell at someone I would use caps. The phrase “continue to see him or would you break it off..” and “under what circumstances would you continue to pursue the relationship?” says that she has gone past the hypothetical stage. Her use of the word “relationship” by the way, is laughable.
You are more than welcome to see whatever you like. Do not presume to instruct others. She asked for the opinion of the collective. I gave her mine. If mine does not happen to jibe with yours, that’s too bad.
And if you have anything else to say you may PM me. Do not derail a thread with side issues.

@Trillian I wasn’t derailing anything, I was merely questioning why you felt the need to yell at the asker as if she’d stated “hey guys, i’m dating a married guy, what do i do”... The rest of us have simply answered what we would or would not do in that situation without going all postal and cussing at the asker. But go ahead and fuss at me if it makes you feel vindicated.

@WillWorkForChocolate “When you’ve been married for a while, it’s fun to have a playful, innocent flirt.”

I’ve been married for 18 years. The only person I want to flirt with is my husband. Why does a long marriage have to sound so terrible? I’m more attracted to my husband now than ever before. Is there really such a thing as “innocent flirting”? I don’t think so. I may need to ask a question about this. very interesting

@jonsblond Oh no, I’m not saying marriage is a bad thing at all, far from it! I’m still madly in love with my husband. I just think it’s fun to flirt with other people, especially if my hubby joins in the flirting with us! And I guess I call our flirting “innocent” because nothing is meant by it and nothing is misunderstood. We flirt and joke around with other friends or couples, and it just has us all laughing. No one is sitting there thinking, “Hmmm, I wonder.” It’s just good natured fun.

No. Isn’t there enough problems and drama in life as it is?

@WillWorkForChocolate I see. ;)

In the situation you describe No, I would not.

when I met my husband over ten years ago he was married though. His wife was an alcoholic & addicted to prescription drugs AND cheating on him.

He told me on our first date that he was married… My heart nearly fell out of my chest I thought Oh My God, I’m on a date with a MARRIED MAN? What the hell!!!?!?!?

Then he explained his circumstances. He was advised to NOT leave the house otherwise she’d get it and possibly custidy of their teenage son (though she’d cleaned out his bank account and ran up his credit cards on several occasions, and never paid a dime towards the household)
He was also advised that if he had no ‘love interest’ in anyone else, there was no need for him to file for divorce. Divorce costs money and why pay her off if you don’t NEED to get rid of her

So they lived under the same roof for years like that, then there was that ‘final straw’ moment when he kicked her out, but they were still legally married with no divorce papers filed.

So there I was out on a first date with the guy of my dreams… and he was “married”
I decided to play it by ear, and see how things went… we’re married now. And unless I become a drug addict/alcoholic/cheat, I’m 100% sure that he’s not going to leave me for anyone else!

@Trillian I am not dating a married man. It was a hypothetical question. Do not over analyze my question.

@christine215 What made him finally file divorce papers?

@WillWorkForChocolate Is flirting okay when your spouse doesn’t know about it?

I find the implication that I am a cheater kind of amusing. My parents divorced because my dad cheated and basically forced a divorce to pursue his relationship with the other woman. It’s only one of several reasons why I wouldn’t cheat but as an adult, I am curious if people have certain circumstance which they would allow themselves to do something they’d otherwise wouldn’t do. We always point the finger at the third person. At which point, if any, would the third person regret their actions?

How come no one has mentioned anything about the spouse that’s being cheated on? If they are aware of the situation and allow it to continue, would it make any difference?

heck no techno! -Rachel

@Luffle our relationship continued and he realized that he wanted to really truly move on with his life and in order to do that, he’d need to legally sever his relationship with his “wife”
Our scenario is the exception to the rule (well I guess to some it’s still not an exception, I’m sure to some it’s still considered his cheating as well)

@Luffle I don’t know the right answer in regard to your question about the spouse’s knowledge of flirting. I can only say that I feel safe to do so because my husband knows I’m a flirt and he thinks it’s funny. He trusts me to never cross a line, and he gives me the freedom to talk to other men and women how I wish. When my girlfriends come to visit, he often flirts with them just as I do. We just have fun with it and we trust each other.

@rooeytoo “When a marriage breaks up and there is a third person involved, the third always seems to catch the blame, doesn’t make sense to me”.

I think all three are responsible. Sometimes the third person takes advantage of the vulnerable person in the marriage. That makes them partially responsible in my eyes. There would be no affair without the third party.

If the spouse knows of an affair? Then why stay married? Goodness, if I knew my husband was with someone else and didn’t want to either talk about what he’s not getting from me or was in love with this other woman or man or whomever, then I’d let him go. No reason for both of us to be miserable and married. But I’m a monogamist. Then again, other people think differently about these things based on their own perception of their needs.

As for flirting, some people are just natural flirts and don’t mean anything by it. It’s up to each of us to not take things that other people do personally, even our spouses, because we don’t own them. Even those behaviours we want to believe are directed at us, aren’t.

Other people’s behaviour has nothing to do with us. A person does what he/she/zir wants to do in that moment, based on their own feelings and thoughts.

When someone who is married is available for another relationship, it is a sign that the marriage is troubled. I think that the vast majority of people don’t know what to do when they are in a troubled marriage. For most people, therapy is not an option, either because they find it too shameful or believe it is unnecessary, or because they can’t afford it.

So many people are walking bundles of confused contradictions. They may be unhappy and not know why. They may not be getting enough sex, and think the problem is a sex problem, not a love problem. They might be under a lot of stress. They might be out of town at a conference. They might be sex addicts or love addicts.

I don’t think it is at all easy for people to know about all these things, but more importantly, I think it is difficult for people to be able to put a finger on their problems. It’s just not so easy.

Certainly very strict moral codes can help people from doing some things, even when they are unhappy. But a lot of people are really good at spouting the morally correct line on the outside and yet not behaving according to those rules in private. They’ll wonder at their behavior. “I’d never get involved with a married man/woman,” they say, even as they are getting involved. It’s as if it were beyond their power to stop themselves.

Of course, there is a huge cost for not answering questions like this the right way. People care deeply about their reputations, and so they act as if such a thing would never occur to them. I’m sure that for many people, that is true. I’m pretty sure that for others it is not true.

There are places on the internet where people who are unhappy in their relationships congregate to complain about things. Many just complain. Others take the next step.

There are an awful lot of unhappy people out there. These people seem trapped. They don’t want to give up their marriages. There are kids and houses and other relationships involved. But they are so unhappy that they are willing to do what they never believed they could or would do. It’s just not so easy to fix a marriage, nor to break up a marriage.

When I was getting treated for infertility, my doctor told me that some extraordinarily high number of people are not related to their official father. I don’t remember the number now, but I think it was more than 10% and maybe as high as 20%. Married women are stepping out all the time! So are married men—but there’s less physical evidence of that.

Either the people of fluther are all very moral, or the people who have stepped out just aren’t answering this question because of the way others have answered it. I suppose it’s also a possibility that some people are lying, but I don’t think that is likely.

For the record, as I’ve said here before, I have gotten involved with other women while married. For the record, I don’t want to ever do that again. It did, however, spur my wife and I to find a way to fix some of the problems in our relationship. There are more to go. Some mine, and some hers, and some both of ours.

Which gets me to the thing a lot of people have brought up here: the question of whether you would ever trust someone who went out on their spouse to be with you. How can you believe they will remain faithful?

People make mistakes all the time. To say, “once a cheater, always a cheater,” is to say people can’t learn from their mistakes. Or it might be saying that cheating is innate. Nothing can be done about it. I don’t think anyone will take that latter position.

So either you believe people can learn, or you don’t. If they can learn, they can learn to work a relationship better so that serious unhappiness doesn’t arise again. So that they won’t feel a need to go outside the relationship again. Let me say this: if you don’t believe people can learn, and if you don’t believe trust can be re-established, then, wow! I hardly know what to say. It just seems like a really, really sad way to think about your fellow humans.

No, I would not.

Wow. This really touched a nerve. The short answer: No, I most definitely would not.

The very long answer:

In the UK, what I have noticed is that infidelity is “no big deal”. Every day the newspapers are filled with yet again another (politician, celebrity, headmaster, headmistress, vicar) having an affair. I have found the lassez-faire attitude about affairs really difficult to understand. I’ve learned that marriage is just the first step to get out of the way before you get a mistress. (Or the mistress may be present in the pews when you are getting married.)

I have been out with friends and been approached by married men. This is my spiel: ” Oh, so you’re married? And your wife doesn’t understand you,eh? Do you have children? Oh, you do? Well, what are you doing here, trying to pick up women instead of being at home with your wife and children? Is that your idea of being a good guy? I’ll tell you what, why don’t you go home, work things out, or just get a divorce. When you are divorced, then if I’m still available we can talk. But not one second before.” That usually ends the chase. It burns me up because I have also been one of the women at home.

Getting back to the UK thing…my close friend (a Brit) fell head over heels with this man (also a Brit). Because of her schedule and his, they could only manage to get together on the average of twice a year. She sensed something was strange because when she would send him a Christmas card it would go to his father’s house, not his own. So, she would quiz him: “Are you married? Are you separated? Are you divorced? Are you with someone? Are you involved? Do you have a partner?” Every configuration possible…and he denied it all. She didn’t allow herself to get too deep….so she would keep a safe distance. He would get upset and say that she was being “aloof” and why didn’t she make time to see him more often? But when she would make time, he just “couldn’t make it.” We would sit and chat about this and I would tell her that she was just being too cautious…especially as the years wore on and he was still so crazy about her and professed his love to her. He was a really nice, gentle guy. I met him once or twice. This went on for nine years. She is in her 40’s and had been through a horrible marriage, so she wasn’t in a hurry to make a life with this person and she still felt some reservations. Last March, she finally picked up the phone and called him. He usually called her. When she was talking, he excused himself and said, “One second…be right back.” And she says she heard a woman’s voice in the background. He came back and resumed the conversation and then had to hurriedly get off the phone. Of course, she phoned me immediately. “I was right. I know it, ” she said. So, she wrote him and told him that he needed to tell her the truth. It all came out after nine years that he was indeed, married and miserable and with a child. She was livid and upset and realized that this “nice man” had lied to her, had not been the person that she imagined….it was like her world was turned upside down. Because she had deliberately not invested her emotions too deeply (and well done I believe) she basically removed herself from the situation. The child was the clinker for her. And that would be for me, too.
But what I was stunned about was how this seemingly innocuous guy carried on this charade with my friend for almost a decade without ever flinching. His excuse? That she might run away and never speak to him. Well, guess what? She did after finding out. I just could not believe the nerve of this guy. But this is what I am talking about.

I have walked away from situations with the most beautiful men…because they were married and I didn’t want to go there.

I have been betrayed in relationship, too. It’s painful beyond pain. And while I was going through a terrible betrayal, another close (British) friend was busy having an affair with a married man. She would describe their encounters in detail to me. I knew that she was happy, but it was difficult as I knew that “that could well be me.” She actually went to the guy’s house and had lunch with the unsuspecting wife to check her out. But mostly, because she was upset that her “boyfriend” had not called her. So, she just showed up at his house. His wife was cordial and invited her in for lunch. I was appalled when I knew what my friend had done. It changed my relationship with her forever. She honestly did not think it was any “big deal” to show up at his house. I did.

I often think that if women would only value other women as much as they seem to value men, this would not happen. The competition for men is something that I just can’t fathom. I had a great friend whose best friend stole her husband. I can’t tell you the agony that provoked.

I know the old argument: You can’t steal a man away from a woman that he really loves…I am sure there were already problems. Maybe there were…but don’t you think that these problems should be dealt with first? “My wife doesn’t understand me….” usually has an underlying “untold story”. I know there are great men out there whose wives really are harridans. If that is so, then the men should have the courage to walk out and not put “the other woman” in the fray. And “the other woman” should also step back until the situation is resolved one way or the other….and to save her from the heartache of being strung along, too.

Why? Why do we do this to each other? Why can’t we all just make a decision to tell men to deal with their situation first? And just walk away? Why is it okay to betray one’s own sex? And men, why is it so hard to come clean? To tell the truth? To go to counseling and fix what you have or be brave enough to leave?

@DarlingRhadamanthus when you were betrayed, did you see it coming, or was it a complete and utter shock? If you saw it coming, did you try to get into counseling and fix it or leave it? If you didn’t see it coming, how do you feel about that? Did you feel like the guy pulled the wool over your eyes? Do you feel like you should have seen it?

Perhaps there are many untold stories—both male and female. Perhaps people have a way of not seeing their own stories. Perhaps people are living in denial—both male and female—for a host of reasons. I don’t think this is so easy. It’s not as easy as asking women to be honorable to each other and not compete. Why? When you stop competing, you fall behind, and eventually you lose all you had.

And truth? People lie for many reasons. Often it is to avoid negative consequences. We have no idea how many people are getting away with lying, because we don’t catch them if they get away with it. Perhaps lying is an excellent strategy because it works. If it works, why would you expect anyone to tell the truth when they are better off lying?

I’m not arguing that people should lie or cheat or steal. I’m just suggesting that such behavior might be successful behavior. I’m also suggesting that a lot of people are complicit— turning a blind eye—and pretending the problems will go away on their own. I think everyone does this to one degree or another. How many people enjoy conflict?

@wundayatta….I knew that there were glitches…and every time I sensed it I was open (as I am) and would ask, “Can we talk about what is happening here?” And the answer was always:“There’s nothing to talk about…everything is fine.” Of course I knew it was not. So, we did go to counselling….he denied there was a problem. He sat in there with the counselor and basically said “there was no problem.” After we went to counselling….a few months later (that I know of anyway) he betrayed me and I won’t go into the details…but it was a huge one. The impact of what he did even stunned our friends. Did he pull the wool over my eyes? I am not sure how to answer that. I knew something was amiss, but I did not have proof. I found proof and confronted him. And there I am standing with “the proof” and he continued to deny it. It was unbelievable.

You are right, perhaps I was too “pat” in my “Kumbaya” spiel….asking women to “band together” against this behavior. Lots of men enjoy the idea of two women fighting for their attention.

I do think it is honourable to do the right thing. Forgive me if I am old-fashioned like that. But I think that women should watch out for each other and walk away and let a man figure out his stuff for himself and if the situation is irreparable, and he moves out on his own, then…fine. But till then, I think that the honouable thing is to keep a safe distance. Especially if children are involved. If there are no children, or they are grown, there is probably a bit more leeway the way I see it.

Many years ago, I broke someone’s heart. I never, ever forgot what I did. It haunts me to this day. I made amends to that person and we talked it out and there was a lot of forgiveness and kindness. But I made a vow not to repeat that mistake. I actually have a conscience.

It’s fine to compete….but to compete for another person’s spouse? Why? When there are a lot of single people out there. If that person happens to be your soulmate, then there will be a natural progression of events. If you cannot tear yourself away from each other, then…leave the marriage, move into your own place, get a divorce and then see what happens. Your soulmate will wait.

And if you think that lying, cheating and stealing is successful behavior then you would have loved the above person! He apparently thought so, too! And you know what? Lots of people think it’s fine. I just happen to find it disturbing. But as you pointed out….most people think it’s all okay in love and war.

I just think there has to be a better way. A way that doesn’t leave so much destruction in its path.

@jonsblond – I think that if a marriage is on the rocks, if one woman/man didn’t date the married one, another person would. Folks who are unhappy in their situation look for outside succor. It is not necessarily one of mankind’s more admirable traits but I feel it is there. And I am not sure if someone is unhappy, should they immediately throw up their arms and say I’m out of here, or is it preferable to stay there and maintain the status quo. Perhaps something will happen, and the rift will heal. Or perhaps it is too far gone, who knows.

I respect your position, but I just don’t see it that way.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Of course it is honorable to do the right thing. Of course the other woman should also be honorable and refuse to become the other woman. But those moral imperatives don’t help you understand dishonorable behavior.

People feel ashamed or are shamed when they do dishonorable things. When someone does those things, many will take the “deny, deny, deny” approach. It doesn’t help anything get better, but it is one way people deal with shame and it must work or people wouldn’t do it so much.

I think men are more likely to deny they did something wrong, even when they know there is ironclad evidence to show they are lying. I don’t have a theory about this.

When I was unfaithful, I didn’t know what else to do that would allow me to stay with my family, and make me feel loved. Eventually, I confessed—intuitively I must have know something was wrong with me because I did not normally act this way. I embarked on a years-long effort to find more useful ways of coping with my problems.

The things I have learned are not things they teach you in school. They are not things that are easy to learn. So husbands can go to therapy and deny that anything is wrong. They can go have an affair with someone else and deny things are wrong. Clearly, they have no clue about how to get what they need without cheating. I don’t think anyone wants to be dishonorable. I do think they don’t know what else to do, and that they do these things out of desperation—desperation that, often, they deny they feel—probably because it is also highly shameful in our society to be mentally deviant.

Never. Coming from a married woman who would be LIVID if someone even came close to considering a relationship with my husband. Married people are completely off limits.