My dog died today. How do you handle the grief and pain?

My dog died today.

I came to the computer to write this after sobbing my eyes out for about four hours straight. My eyes are almost swollen shut. I can’t describe how I feel. I had no idea that I would react with such deep and soul-wrenching grief.

My dog was tiny, lovable and incredibly clever. She had been rescued from some horrible situation and had come to live with me. She was my constant companion. I live rather reclusively (by choice) so she was my one source of unconditional love and friendship here. I don’t live in a cave, I live in a cottage, surrounded by wildlife and spend a lot of time alone. She and I were inseparable. She would go with me everywhere I went. She had defied death (on average) once a year for the last two years. She kept on. This past week, she was taken to the hospital yet again. They stabilized her and sent her home. I realized when she got back, that she really did want to go and she was hanging on because of me. I just knew that intuitively. So, we “talked” a lot this past week. I told her how much I loved her, how grateful I was that she came to keep me company at a time when I needed to have her love. I told her that it was okay for her to go, if she wanted to do so. That I would manage. (I was being brave, folks. I really didn’t want her to go, but I wasn’t going to be selfish and prolong her life for me.)

So, last night, she was having difficulty breathing again, she went into the hospital and she stopped breathing this morning. I felt as if my world just crumbled and caved in on me. I had no idea I would react with such depth of sorrow. There is no one to share this with, not here…so I came to the Fluther. I hope it’s okay.

I curled up on one of her cushions and just wailed and wailed. Where did this come from? I felt as if I had lost my dearest and most loved best friend. I realized that I had. I can’t believe my reaction. I felt abandoned. I felt all these emotions that I last felt when my father died. I realize that her passing has marked the end of a period in my life that I would rather forget. She has, in essence, let me go so that I can move on into a new life.

I have to go now and see her one last time. I am, at this moment, so overcome, I can’t see the screen very well.

How did/do you deal with the loss of a beloved pet?

Thank you, Jellies, for being out there. You have no idea how much it means that I can come here…write this…and feel connected even if it is in cyber-space. I feel a bit cast adrift, with half of my heart lost at sea.