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Riser's avatar

Pill update and new question

Asked by Riser (3472points) March 21st, 2008 from iPhone

about a week ago I posted a question about a birth control pill because of my mom being molested by her father.

Many of you gave me very helpful information and I appreciate that.

So here’s the update: it turns out my great aunt, an anesthesiologist, gave my grandpa pills for indegestion. Yesterday she confessed to being aware that my mom was pregnant with my grandpa’s child. He made her take the medication that made her ill and eventually killed the fetus.

So as of this morning I found out I am not an only child but actually a little half brother of a girl who never even had a name.

I’ll be honest with you I am a fucking basket case and I can’t show it because of the sensitive nature of my film career. My fiancĂ© doesn’t know how to handle it either. He is being supportive but I just can’t help what is going through my mind right now. I’m… Sorry. I trust you guys more then my friends in Hollywood.

What do I do? (I already have a shrink)

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17 Answers

bulbatron9's avatar

I hate to hear that Riser, you are such a genuinely great guy. All I can say is be strong, which is easier said than done. You are a very respected member of fluther, and we are here for you, in your time of need. We love you!

kevbo's avatar

Ugh. I am so sorry to hear that. I don’t mean at all to simplify what you are going through, but it sounds like part of what you need to do is grieve for your lost half-sibling.

I’m sure you’re feeling incredibly hurt and angry, too, but at the same time trying to be strong for your mother. I wish I had a good answer for how to handle that, but I don’t. I would say call your shrink ASAP and ask him/her to get you in. I’m sure your best advice will come from there. Perhaps focusing on helping your mom will keep you level. I would avoid confronting any guilty party until you’ve sorted things through via counseling.

Again, I am so sorry to hear this. You are loved and supported here.

syz's avatar

Wow. I can’t even imagine where to go from here. All I can think to say is surround yourself with those that love and support you, continue to seek out professional psychiatric help, and consider divorcing yourself from the family that causes you harm.

I’m sorry, I didn’t see your previous question, so I’m not sure about all of details of your situation. If I’m out of line, I apologize.

If there are members of your family that you feel need help, all you can do is take whatever steps you can to give them the tools to get that help (police, social service, mental health professional). Beyond that, you are not responsible for them.

If your great aunt was aware of the abuse, then that makes her an accessory (maybe not legally, but without a doubt, morally). Clearly, your mother and grandfather are severly disturbed (even if your mother was emotionally or physically manipulation, there is no way that her emotional state is a stable one). Even if you love these people, you may have to make a decision to protect yourself from the pain of exposure to them.

Obviously, I can’t know what you’re feeling and what you’ve been through, but I think my choice would be to walk away. Cut off all contact and develop my own family made up of those people who don’t damage me.

You are clearly a caring, intelligent and witty person (just based on what I see here on Fluther). Don’t let other people’s issues drag you down – even if they are your own family. Take care of yourself.

Riser's avatar

would it be wrong to give her a name? If I were a girl I would have been named Ashley Elizabeth.

syz's avatar

Of course not. If recognizing her as a real person and a sibling helps, it will only make her brief existence that much more meaningful.

kevbo's avatar

Not at all. Whatever helps you feel what you need to feel about this.

Riser's avatar

My mom and I are the victims, at least living. I just don’t even know where to begin. I’ve started writing her into one of the episodes were working on. Trying to give her a history. I always wanted a sibling.

syz's avatar

I assume your mom is in therapy?

gailcalled's avatar

Many women who have miscarriages or still-born babies name the baby and have memorial ceremonies or set up headstones and gravesites. I can’t possibly advise you about the pain you must be undergoing…this is simply a thought. Perhaps find a beautiful place for Ashley Elizabeth where you can visit and do what you need to.

We, your unmet support group, are here. Keep writing…

Riser's avatar

yes she is. Thank you Gail and all.

zolmie's avatar

I am so sorry you and your mom have been through so much pain. I’ll pray for both of your comfort.
Naming and grieving your sibling sounds extremely healthy and appropriate. It also sounds like by working her into one of these episodes is a creative outlet that may help you process some of this painful news. Again, I am so sorry Riser! You are very brave and strong and I am praying for you!

andrew's avatar

My old therapist wrote a book about incest—would that help? (though I think he comes from a Christian perspective)

Riser's avatar

Andrew,

Unless his book tells me I can’t be gay, I am 100% open to Christian perspective.

Thank you

TheTherapist's avatar

I am so sorry for your troubles

FlutherMother's avatar

@Riser. My heart aches for you. This is one of those times I wish I could just reach across the connection and take the pain away. @gailcalled is absolutely right about a naming and memorializing. I have pictures and baby feet prints and they made all the difference. I bet you Ashley Elizabeth would have loved you. Remember her in any way that you need to feel better. And as trite as I am going to sound (or new age-y), I believe every life, no matter how brief, had a soul and that soul lives on even if the body that connected it to the earth is no longer here. I know that doesn’t help now when you probably would have rather had a physical body to hug and to talk to while you were growing up – but hopefully it will give you some ease. I wish I had some better advice, but please make sure you take good care of yourself (eat well, get enough rest) so that your physical body remains strong while you focus on repairing your mental body.

scamp's avatar

Oh Daniel! I am in tears reading this. I am so sorry you have such heartache. You must feel like you have been robbed of so many things. How horrible for you and your family to lose not only a child, but part a of your Mother, and the ability to have a normal relationship with your Grandfather. You are a wonderful son to be so supportive of your Mother.

My daughter was molested by what we thought was a close family friend, so I can understand a little how it can feel to be so damaged by someone you thought you could trust. It scars you forever, and changes the way your ability to trust anyone again.

I’m glad Micheal is helping you through this. Only time and understanding from loved ones will help ease your pain. Talk to your therapist to get guidance in dealing with your feelings, but know that we are all here for you. We all love you and want the best for you. If I can be of any help, please PM me anytime. I am so very sorry.

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