Social Question

chelle21689's avatar

Is it a bad idea to move to a different area (far) just for love?

Asked by chelle21689 (6898points) August 3rd, 2010

I don’t see anything wrong with moving across the country if you love someone. My boyfriend told me that it’s not a good idea and that I should find another reason to want to move where he is and not JUST BECAUSE of him. I don’t get it, what’s so bad about it? I can’t just make up a reason to want to move.

I asked him, “What if you were active duty in the Army and then I’d have to move because you’re in the military…there’d be no other reason.” His reply was that it wouldn’t be a good idea because I’d be by myself all the time when he’s deployed if he’s the only reason I moved.

I’m still confused so if someone thinks they understand what he’s talking about fill me in LOL I should just say “Hey, I don’t have any other reason other than you to move. So we’re gonna be long distance forever or break up now” haha…

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39 Answers

Seek's avatar

That really sounds like a “he’s just not that into you” moment. Just my little red flag going up.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I agree with @Seek_Kolinahr, reading this makes me uncomfortable for you. It’s not a bad idea when both people are reciprocally in love with one another and are planning a future together. I don’t think your bf’s heart is where yours is. If a guy I’d been exclusively “dating” for more than a few years told me what your guy told you then I’d cut him loose and bear the heartache in order to make myself available to a serious partner… if that’s what you mean by the topics you chose.

chelle21689's avatar

He said this years even before we were long distance. I don’t see the point in him staying with me in a long distance this long if he doesn’t want me to move. I dont’ get it cuz sometimes he asks, “So when are you moving here?” or he’ll get excited when I talk about moving after school. He just said make sure I have other reasons to want to be there. It’d be stupid to move there and for him to anticipate it only to break up with me. wtf.

Likeradar's avatar

On one hand, I’m a firm believer in not sacrificing your whole self for a partner. You should love where you live for more reasons than one person.
On the other hand, your boyfriend’s response is, as @Seek_Kolinahr and @Neizvestnaya said, a red flag that this relationship may not be what you think it is. I think an appropriate, healthy response from someone who feels committed to a reciprocal relationship should be more along the lines of “yes, yes, yes! I’d love to have you close by! I’ll help you find a job you love, and I think there’s a yoga studio (or whatever you’re into) here I think you’ll like, and I met a girl I think you could be friends with…” Your guy didn’t say anything like that. I’d take it as a chance he’s letting you down easy.

chelle21689's avatar

So can I ask u guys, why would he stay in a long distance for 2 years if he’s anticipating us breaking up then?? I mean if he’s had this view before we even started this?

Likeradar's avatar

@chelle21689 Only he knows.
And he’s not necessarily anticipating you breaking up.
Maybe he just likes things the way they are- with you in one place and him in another. I imagine it makes some aspects of a relationship easier.
Maybe he likes having you there, just in case, but is enjoying living his own life away from you.
Maybe he really wants you to move and isn’t good at communicating it.
Maybe a million other things that we can’t possibly know.

Mind if I ask how old you are?

chelle21689's avatar

I’m 21, he’s 22. We’ve known each other since 7th grade and have been friends..our 5 year anniv is this week lol. Distance for 2 years

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@chelle21689- people stay in comfortable relationships of all sorts. Your guy may feel secure with the idea of a gf he can talk about, show pictures of, get emotional support from, all that stuff but also feel safe because you’re where you are and he’s where he is which is ultimately unattached and unaccountable for whatever he chooses to do when he feels single. This relationship is perfect for a person to enjoy what they think is love while waiting to see what else comes along.

I agree with @Likeradar – he may be backing off easy, in degrees but between the lines is he’s not ready for you to be where he is fulltime.

chelle21689's avatar

So basically it’s like him saying “Hey our relationship might not work out…so just in case…”

WestRiverrat's avatar

@chelle21689 you may be his fallback girl. If all else fails, he knows you will be there to fall back on.

chelle21689's avatar

If your man/woman said what he said to me…that what would u say to him?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

The Fallback Girl is the one who gets contemplative texts/calls but when he feels confident and in control maybe he’s less interactive?

I’ve been in your spot before though not with a long distance person. What I said was though I had fallen in love and could see a future, I didn’t believe they felt the same. I said love wasn’t good enough for where I was headed and I felt very sure more than one other someone else would want to go my way.

It hurts a little to be honest but it’s fair to stand by what you want, what you want to offer, stand by yourself to get it and not settle for other people’s comfort and distraction.

shego's avatar

It isn’t a good idea. Have you thought about what happens if and when he breaks it off, and you are stuck out there, with no family or friends to help support you?

chelle21689's avatar

Shego, that’s what he said…but I mean shouldn’t he be OPTIMISTIC about our relationship instead of thinking “We might break up just in case…you should have other reasons”

JLeslie's avatar

Red flag. I agree with the people above. Fall back girl. Probably he is dating someone else. If you tell him you are definitely moving he might finally break up.

shego's avatar

@chelle21689 you are young, and I am young, and I have had it happen to me. I am 23.
Here’s something I don’t think you have considered either. Are you going to have a job right away? I highly doubt that. Will you be able to take care of yourself if anything happens, or are you going to be jumping around homeless shelters?

chelle21689's avatar

I’ll be finishing my bachelor’s degree and I do have money saved up. My biggest fear is becoming poor so I’ll do whatever it takes to not let that happen lol.

JLeslie's avatar

@shego Well, she can probably always go back home if things don’t work out.

WestRiverrat's avatar

Moving for love should not be the only reason you consider moving.

It can be the main reason, but it should not be the only reason, unless you are both fully commited to the relationship.

It does not sound like this is the case. If you do move out there, plan on having your own place. Don’t move unless you can get into a college or job. That way you will not be homeless if things don’t work out.

shego's avatar

@JLeslie it took me almost two months before I was able to save up enough money to get home.
I guess because it happened to me, I am more concerned, because I know how scary it is, having nobody, no support, nothing.

Likeradar's avatar

@chelle21689 Have you asked him what he means by what he said, and what his feelings are about you moving to be with him? Not what he thinks you should do or his concerns for you, but how he actually feels about it, what it means for your relationship, and how he envisions this relationship progressing? That’s what I’d ask him if I were in your situation.
None of us can tell you what this guy meant.

chelle21689's avatar

We discussed I’d be the one to move since we lived here in Ohio our whole lives…it’d be something different and new for me. He would talk about our future of living together one day like get an apartment, he’d ask me “Soo have you thought about when you’re moving?” he wants me to move out there I know, but he seems to want me to not invest all of me moving out there on just him. Maybe some of you are right and he is doubtful of our relationship but I also think a part of it is because he doesn’t want me to rely on him to be happy and make my life there just about him.

JLeslie's avatar

@shego I am concerned for her to. I think she should not go. We don’t know her families financial situation though, unless I missed in the thread. If it had happened to me my parents would have made sure I was ok, moved me back if necessary.

JLeslie's avatar

@chelle21689 I hope that is the case. If you want to go, tell him you plan to move and you are looking for a job. See what he says.

shego's avatar

@chelle21689 my ex use to tell me the same thing. But since he is away from home, he could become a totally different person, and that is what really scares me. Don’t throw your education and your life away, for something that both you and your boyfriend are unsure of.

chelle21689's avatar

I talked to him about it again and I had him explain further what he meant. He doesn’t think I should move out there just for him because he says that us being long distance now and me moving isn’t going to end long distance. He’s going to be going away a lot. Like right now he has Airborne school for a month, langauge school up to 10 months, then get deployed in 2012. After deployment, he’s going to be in language school some more to learn different languages because he got high scores…so basically I’ll still be by myself a lot of the time and he doesn’t want me to be depressed in California when he’s not there. He said he wants me there, but I need to be happy and independent when he’s might be going on deployments and schools.

Also, I’m not throwing away my education. I’m not even planning to move until I have a bachelor’s degree and money saved. I’m not even going to try and move in with him…most likely find room mates or even ask friends or my cousin to room with…

perspicacious's avatar

It sounds like he doesn’t want the responsibility of your “big move” if things don’t work out between you. He must not be as sure about you two as a couple as you are.

Trillian's avatar

This relationship has been throwing up red flags ever since you started asking questions about it. You’ve spent a bunch of your savings and made the trip, what? At least twice. You didn’t understand why he didn’t act like he was that unhappy to say goodbye to you. You told us in numerous ways that you were the one doing all the work to keep the “relationship” together. Now you want to move across the country to be with him and he’s point blank coming out and telling you not to.
I would suspect that he has all kinds of things going on in his life that he does not want you to know about. Your going there will put a definite cramp in his style and you will end up alone and unhappy, which is what you are now, but there you will be friendless, broke, alone and unhappy.
I predict that you will go and do it anyway.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Following a soldier around can be difficult. As much as it could be a red flag, I see it differently. Perhaps because of the conversations my husband and I had before we got married. I was willing to move and follow him, but he was concerned about my long term stability if I did that while we weren’t married. Without being married, it would have made things a lot harder for me. I could have saved up the money and found the jobs, but bouncing from place to place every few years and jumping from job to job could cause problems when it comes to looking for other jobs. Not to mention constantly having to get medical coverage in the new location. So, with all of that in mind, it could be that he is genuinely concerned about you. As a wife living in a state over a thousand miles away from her family, I can tell you that being alone on a military post can suck. Deployments can be hard to deal with and life can be tricky. In order to do a lot of the things I need to do for my husband while he is gone, being his wife helps a lot, but there are some things we still need a power of attorney for. It can be really tricky and it is a lot to think about.

I can understand not wanting to think about things not working out, but I honestly think the fact that he is thinking about your well-being if it doesn’t work is a good thing. It shows he is honestly thinking about all aspects of you moving across the country to be with him. In my opinion, the people that can just jump right to it without giving it a second thought are the ones I would worry more about because they haven’t thought things through. It sucks to think about things not working out, but I could see it as him caring enough about you to want to be sure that you would be okay if things didn’t work out or while he was away.

Frenchfry's avatar

Maybe he is just ready for that kind of commitment yet. He trying to be polite.

Seek's avatar

@Seaofclouds Her boyfriend isn’t military – that was an example she used in the discussion they had.

If it were military, the flag would be more… whatever comes between red and green. ^_^

chelle21689's avatar

he is military…

Aster's avatar

He’s certainly not encouraging you , is he? Listen to @Seek_Kolinahr ! Then stay where you are.

JLeslie's avatar

@Seaofclouds If they were married medical insurance would be a non-issue since he is in the military.

@chelle21689 It is impossibe for us to be sure where he is coming from. @Trillians comment that you have previously written questions about your relationship that throws up red flags is troublesome to me.

Does he ask you to come and visit him where he is? Or, does he come back home for some R&R at times?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@JLeslie Yes, it would be a non-issue if they were married, but they aren’t, so it is something they have to take into consideration when it comes to moving around. Also, since he is military and knows he will be deploying in 2012, it’s something else for him to worry about. He knows that she will be alone in CA (away from family and friends) while he is deployed. I can understand that being a concern.

JLeslie's avatar

@Seaofclouds I see I actually misread your statement. You were saying that without being married it is a problem, my mistake. Honestly, I would bet most military men either marry their girlfriends or move forward without them, because of the nature of military life. I have no stats to back that up, but it seems logical. I think he has some sort of integrity to discourage her from moving, but I still think he likely is not committed to her like she is to him. His priority is his career I think. I could be wrong, they are likely very young since she is finishing up her degree, and he might simply not be ready to consider a very long term committment. I always say distance makes the heart grow fonder is bullshit for the most part. Distance makes you accustomed to being apart. My husband travelled a lot for work, and also lived out of the country for about 9 months during the first 5 years of our marriage. You get into a pattern of kind of doing your own thing.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m going to echo what @perspicacious just wrote.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@JLeslie I completely agree that you get into a pattern of doing your own thing. My husband has been deployed for almost 7 months now and I have my own routine at home (very similar to the one I had before we were dating). It will change when he comes back home. Our relationship has continued to grow over these 7 months because of our communication, but unfortunately, that doesn’t happen for everyone. Absence can make the heart grow cold and distant. It’s sad, but it is true. I just try to be optimistic. :)

JLeslie's avatar

@Seaofclouds I have been married 17 years, so I am not saying spending time apart breaks up a couple necessarily. I know many many couples who have a set up where one or both of them travel a lot, or lives in a separate city at times throughout their marriage. But, when you spend many years together, almost never apart, you get really used to being together, it is harder to imagine being without the person, it makes you even more bonded in my opinion, almost more dependent on each other, which is not said as a negative, but as an observation. I didn’t expect to feel that way. Also, when apart, and then finally reunited again, there is an adjustment that is typically stressful. It might just be 24 hours of adjustment, or can be weeks, either way it is stressful typically.

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