Social Question

gemmasgma's avatar

Is it always unwise to become involved with a newly divorced person?

Asked by gemmasgma (254points) August 6th, 2010

I have reconnected with a friend from long ago, who is now going through a divorce. We seem to have strong feelings for each other, but I hesitate to allow it to go much further because I have never heard of anyone ever ending up with their “rebound” and I don’t want to be this person’s transitional object. Do these relationships ever last?

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22 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

I can’t imagine that anyone recently divorced let alone going through a divorce doesn’t have a bunch of healing and soul searching to do. Personally, I would avoid getting heavily involved with anyone in those shoes.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Two answers: First, I agree (sadly) with cruiser. Healing is a bitch or bastard, your choice of genders. Second, They may really need a friend and who knows what the future holds? Might work out great, might blow up in your face. I’d say be very open and make sure you both communicate honestly and let it play out. Somebody help me out. My advice sucks.

Blackberry's avatar

Always is a generic term, it may not be the best choice, but it’s not wise to say it’s always bad. I assume with divorces you factor in kids and property. I had none of those when I divorced, it just like a really long break up. I was over way before we divorced. It will be harder with someone who was married for a long time and has kids and a house.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Hey, and welcome to fluther!

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

My gut feeling is yes and would extend it to recently widowed as well; unsettled emotions. But then I’m not following my own instinct on this now, so don’t listen to my hypocritical prattling.

Welcome to Fluther!

marinelife's avatar

They can last, but you need to make sure that the other person who has just gone through a divorce has grieved the relationship and dealt with all of his issues.

I don’t think it would be out of bounds to ask him to do some therapy.

Coloma's avatar

The odds are not good of anything longterm coming from a rebound situation.

It takes about 2 years on average for a person to navigate a divorce situation, I have a staunch rule of not dating anyone less than 2 years out of a longterm situation, and, preferably more like 3–5.

Most rebound relationships are based on the newly single persons need for comfort, attention and ego strokes, self esteem enhancement. In other words it is usually all about what YOU can do for them. This s why once most people have healed they move on.

If you don’t have a problem with being someone’s emotional band aid, go for it, but, in reality, the odds of this situation working out longterm are about 1 in 5000. lol

Seaofclouds's avatar

It all depends on how the relationship ended. I believe the person that initiates the divorce is usually ready to move on sooner than the person that didn’t want the divorce. If it’s something you want to pursue, just be sure to be open and honest and ask them to do the same.

Aster's avatar

People new to the divorce arena tend to be wacko. I know I was.
Expect a lot of emotion and maybe some clinging behavior and see how you like it! Or if your nerves can stand it .
GA, @Cruiser !

SamIAm's avatar

Always is too strong of a word, because there are ALWAYS exceptions. But, that being said, I’d say most of the time, it’s not a great idea.

Luffle's avatar

I would avoid it until the divorce is final and the person has some time to rediscover who they are and what they want in life.

Frenchfry's avatar

I would avoid. They are on the rebound. I would not think it would last.

CMaz's avatar

My ex wife was scooped up by the first horn-dog that found out she was getting a divorce.
Taking advantage of her vulnerability.

I have found looking back at myself. “Newly divorced persons” need time to flush out the baggage. Or they are no good to anyone. Epically, if your intention is long term.

I have been good to go for some time. Funny thing… If I meet someone and they start off talking about their past relationship, instead talking about us.. I have to shut them down, knowing where they are currently at. It usually becomes a dead end.

As for my ex. They are still together after three years. Except, he does not want to marry her any more. Why buy the cow when the milk is free.
But, that is another story.

BoBo1946's avatar

They can…known as, “gambling with love!”

meagan's avatar

If you don’t ever want to get married, sure – go for it. Men usually aren’t big on commitment, anyway. After being married this guy is going to want some breathing room. Or just room to hook up with any random chick he wants.
But I could always be wrong. Maybe this guy is “different”.

Aster's avatar

@ChazMaz you old goat. lol You know darn well they buy the cow when the milk is free everyday. my ex never married his new cow either, though

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Like others say, not always if you know some background first:

Was there a separation and living apart time before the divorce went into affect, how long was it?

What were the circumstances of the divorce? More important than who left or wanted out is why.

Be on the lookout for phrases like, “we grew apart” because that’s usually a cover for he/she got fat, the one partner lost attraction and took opportunity to cheat elsewhere. Cheaters usually get caught. “He/she lost interest in sex” usually means someone got fat and then got neglected and fed a bunch of bs such as “it’s not you, it’s me”. “He/she was a farking nightmare and was always bitching” is often he/she got fed up with countless disappointments and whatnot from a partner who may have abuse and addiction issues. Anyone will get fed up with enough of that.

NaturallyMe's avatar

Since each person is different, i wouldn’t say it’s always unwise to do so. I suppose it depends what the reason for the divorce was – it doesn’t necessarily have to be a depressing time for them.

pearls's avatar

Rule of thumb for me, is to not date anyone who has not been divorced for less than a year. I used that same rule on myself. @ChazMaz I am in the same boat with you. If our conversations are consumed with talking about an ex, see ya.

perspicacious's avatar

Yes. It’s OK to be friends and do things together, but keep it very light.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I don’t know, it might depend. My husband and I began our relationship when we were both married, he divorced shortly thereafter and so did I – but I don’t think that’s the same thing.

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