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SuperMouse's avatar

Any tips for someone who has to keep their cool while dealing face to face with someone out to destroy them?

Asked by SuperMouse (30801points) August 8th, 2010

I know, I know this question sounds paranoid but… My ex is still quite furious that we are no longer together. Tomorrow we meet face-to-face to try to hash out some important issues. I know he will come loaded for bear and I am determined to keep my cool no matter what. I have some ideas of my own for staying calm, but I would love hear some thoughts from my fellow jellies.

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18 Answers

CaptainHarley's avatar

There is an inner place of calm and repose that you need to tap into!

Practice deep-breathing exercises until you have found this place. Then, when you have your meeting, reach down to that place and tap into the peace you have there.

( This is hard to explain with just typewritten words, but I thought I’d give it a try )

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Yes….and this will work, but it might be difficult for you to do it (at first). You should start right now and say it….even if you say it silently picturing your ex in front of you. Use this tonight to prepare yourself and to diffuse the energy. I realize that he is probably the one that was offensive to it may go totally against your grain to say this because you will seemingly take on the responsibility of forgiveness. This was given to me through a spiritual teacher and it works.It is difficult to do at the beginning, but it works. You must apply it and repeat it over and over. Start now don’t wait. And continue doing it (in your mind) till the meeting is over and then again any time he comes up in your mind. If you can say it aloud tonight, do that too. (Whenever you can say it aloud, do that…if not, just repeat it mentally.)

When you are in the meeting, keep saying it in your mind as he is there. Over and over and if he starts saying inflammatory things…keep saying this mantra over and over. Don’t stop.

I so feel for you, SuperMouse… must be in such a difficult situation. Remember, you are the invincible SuperMouse! Let us know how it goes.

If you want to learn more about the process (for later on):

You don’t need any special training….just repeat the mantra.

(((((((((big supportive hugs))))))))))))))))))

Buttonstc's avatar

Presumably there will be an objective third party guiding all this? (you included mediation in your tags).

Let him be the one doing the yelling.

If you’ve ever played poker or chess, now is the time to put on your game face.

Even if he pushes your buttons, don’t give him the satisfaction of allowing him to see that he’s upsetting you emotionally.

But don’t back down either. Just calmly stick to your guns. If you find yourself tempted to take the bait, don’t reply until you’ve counted slowly to ten (or 20 if necessary :)

There’s no law that says you have to make am immediate reply. You’re allowed a pause to think (even if the only thing you’re thinking about is how to keep calm)

It helps to write down ahead of time which issues to be discussed are the most important for you. Decide what type of compromise you could live with on the lesser ones.

Know what your bottom line is on each issue. Neither of you are going to come away with everything you want.

Don’t let pride and anger get in the way of common sense.

For each concession you’re willing to make, decide beforehand what to demand from him.

Since he’s the one apparently being eaten up by anger and revenge, you’re already a step ahead.

Angry people don’t usually do well at thinking logically. Use this to your advantage.

The mediator will also be approaching this logically so the more you can keep calm and present your case in a rational manner, the more likely he’ll find it easier to be acvomodating to your viewpoint.

The more over the top your ex is,the easier it will be for you to be the opposite. The more mad and resentful he gets, the less clearly he’ll be able to think rationally.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

When he says something to piss you off take deep breaths lol. When me and my ex used to go at it, I would laugh in his face, even if it pissed me off. He would get so mad. :)


When he pushes your buttons, just keep telling yourself to “take the high road”. You will always be the better person for it, no matter what. The only one you have to impress is yourself, so try very hard not to disappoint yourself. You will go home a much happier person.

augustlan's avatar

Reassure yourself that no matter what he says, he has no real power over you anymore. It took me quite a while to manage that with my ex, but it’s supremely effective. Good luck, girlie!

Buttonstc's avatar

Let us know how it goes. Sending good vibes (and a few prayers your way).

You have a really logical mind and way of expressing yourself. I know you can manage this.

Cruiser's avatar

Just be prepared to have to lay it on the line for him plain and simple. He needs to know just how over your relationship is and that there is no turning back and that he needs to let go. Sound like he will plead his case for you to come back and you just need to be steadfast and show strength and courage and that you have put that relationship behind you. Good luck!

Austinlad's avatar

It’s pretty unlikely that anyone including your ex can “destroy” you. You, on the other hand, can continue doing damage to yourself by thinking in these terms. I know this is a tough situation and I don’t mean to make light of it, but my suggestion echos what other have said: try to keep your cool and not react externally to what your ex says or does. That’s the control he wants, and only you can give or withhold it. Any chance of your bringing a friend, preferably someone who’s more-or-less neutral, for moral support???

Austinlad's avatar

One more suggestion: to whatever extent you can, know and rehearse where you stand on these issues and be prepared to stick firmly to your position and/or know how flexible you can be. That will help you to maintain some control.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@SuperMouse : Good luck this afternoon!

SuperMouse's avatar

Thanks for all the advice everyone! It was all useful and helped build my confidence – which was a huge reason I was able to succeed.

I did pretty well if I do say so myself. The other party had a bit of a challenge keeping it together. Within ten minutes he was in such a tizzy that they separated us. When we came back together an hour later (15 minutes of my sharing my concerns and 45 minutes of him sharing his) nothing was accomplished. All in all the event was a major disappointment, but I learned a lot about myself and keeping my cool. I am holding out hope for finding a suitable solution.

chyna's avatar

@SuperMouse So you actually came out on top by keeping your cool. I knew you would.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Ditto to what chyna said. And thanks for reporting back. I’ve thought about your predicament throughout the day.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Sounds like there’s still a bit of that road to go down, but you’re hanging in there! Good job.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Great job…SuperMouse! I thought about you today…and sent you lots of good thoughts!

augustlan's avatar

Bravo, Mouse! I knew you could do it. :D

Buttonstc's avatar

Yippee. Good for you.

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