General Question

Jude's avatar

Why do you think that it is, when you break up with someone (relationship/friendship), you tend to see the "ugly" side of them (quirks, faults, their annoying ways)

Asked by Jude (32134points) August 24th, 2010

Is it because you’re no longer in love?

The same goes for friendship, as well.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

CMaz's avatar

Because someone is getting rejected.
No one likes rejection.

And, at that point there is no more room for “ass kissing” any more.

Jude's avatar

Chazzie, I agree with you there.

AmWiser's avatar

No…you’re probably still in love. You want to see their ugly side to help justify why you broke up with them. Dwelling on the happiness you had and their good points would make getting over them drag on and on.

gypsywench's avatar

Sometimes after the break up, people don’t care about showing face anymore. They can show their darker side without regrets. Plus before hand, it could have been easier to forgive.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It just helps speed recovery…not that you still don’t care for the MF-er….XD

second_guessing's avatar

Natural defence when things go tits-up, it’s any-which-way possible to score points off of the other…


Frenchfry's avatar

Well they might feel hurt and that is the only way the can express it. Not everyone is nice after a breakup.

GeorgeGee's avatar

Usually when you break up, you want to feel good about your decision, so you it is in your best interest to have as long a list of complaints as possible. The longer the list of problems with that person, the better your decisions seems. OH, and he LEFT THE SEAT UP on the toilet, one day back in 1981… OH, and she WOULDN’T BRING ME A BEER even though she was at the refrigerator and headed for the living room! :D

Cruiser's avatar

Because invariably you will be picturing them in someone else’s arms and you pray that “they” see the skid marks in their underwear too!

gravity's avatar

@ChazMaz yes, rejection has caused the monster to appear in many! Humans strive to be accepted and when we feel rejected, the worst often comes out.

LocoLuke's avatar

When you’re in love with someone, you tend to ignore the little things which you might otherwise consider annoying – sometimes unbearably so. Once you break up, you start looking for those little things in order to, as @GeorgeGee said, justify the breakup and make yourself feel that you wouldn’t have been happy with the relationship had it stayed unbroken. Small stuff such as the tone of their voice, which may have seemed sexy/husky at the time, can be remembered as being scratchy and immature. Compound that with the events that usually occur before a painful breakup and you’ve got a hell of a lot of dirt which you can use to justify a breakup.
If you think about it, part of a maintaining a successful relationship is being able to look past the small stuff and see the relationship for what it is – beautiful and worth preserving (I’d hope…). Once you no longer have a relationship you think is worth preserving, you’re left with the surface stuff which you didn’t really see before.

MissAusten's avatar

I can see someone acting “ugly” if they were the one who got dumped. Hurt feelings, wanting to get back at the person who hurt you, or even just a desire to put the person in a negative light so you don’t feel so bad about the rejection, can play a part.

I once had a guy I was crazy about break up with me suddenly with no explanation. This guy, who had been wonderful up to that point, acted like a complete ass. He did me a big favor, because it’s hard to sit around and be sad about losing someone you realize is a complete jerk. I was initially devastated over the break-up, but that feeling didn’t last. Maybe he was being thoughtful and did it on purpose to help me get over him but I doubt it.

le_inferno's avatar

Because you’re hurt, and you want to hate him/her. You want to villainize your ex. Convince yourself you’re better off without her/him, you don’t need her/him. This reminds me of the movie (500) Days of Summer. When Tom falls in love with Summer, he says, “I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.”

Then when she dumps him, it changes: “I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs.” When we get hurt, it’s a whole new game.

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Jude's avatar

^^ Oh, hell nah.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I don’t know! My ex-husband showed so many terrible colors after we broke up that I couldn’t thank the stars enough that I broke it off when I did.

CaptainHarley's avatar

Self-justifying behavior on the part of the one left. We tend to overlook the faults of a loved one, but if they leave us, we can see all the warts!

For the one who leaves, they were restraining their less lovely aspects until they no longer needed to do so.

BoBo1946's avatar

@ChazMaz :))))) Rejection would be my answer also. The person rejected want the other person to hurt as bad as they are hurting…then comes the words! Bad ones.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Love covers up a lot of faults. When the love goes away, the faults become glaring. Especially since we’re looking for the faults to justify our actions in breaking up.

stardust's avatar

My mind plays silly tricks on me here..
When things ended with me and my last boyfriend, I saw all of the wonderful things I’d skipped over. I’ve a little fantasy going now that he’s a super-hero. hmm :/
As for the usual scenario, it’s a defense. Rejection is hard to deal with.

Axemusica's avatar

I’m not sure if it’s so much that you attune more after a breakup to see more of the ugly. I think it’s more of a resentment action. Who ever done the breaking is obviously not interested in making you happy; having you around, ect… The recipient of the breakup is broken and sees that this person no longer wants to or feels the obligation to care any longer and grossly over perceives their actions as more unwanted than before. Some would say such behavior is healthy for each to “move on”, others would say it is unhealthy emotionally. The choice is up to the hurt one to really dwell or choose to see what good things they did have as true.

The truth is in the eye of the beholder.

BratLady's avatar

LocoLuke summed it up well.
When people break up they often say anything to make themselves feel better and to ease the pain of rejection.That said, I do however believe that when couples with kids split they should never put the other down in front of the children.

Robot's avatar

@Cruiser hahaha damn right!

Robot's avatar

@le_inferno i absolutely agree!

Robot's avatar

@MissAusten and pretty much everyone agreed with mostly all of it hands down!

KatawaGrey's avatar

I think a good part of it is because those bad parts of another person are often the reason why a friendship ends or a relationship is broken off. You also remember a lot of those instances where the bad thing or things happened once the relationship/friendship ends. You no longer make excuses for that person whether to yourself or others and, as @stranger_in_a_strange_land said, you no longer have the veil of love to soften those things which would otherswise drive you crazy.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You may still love but you’re also hurt and angry so you look much more superficially, more critically. The man you used to accept as being pudgy and balding but “adoreable” turns into a “fat bastard” and the woman you bragged as being a hot piece of ass becomes “that bitch with cellulite thighs and door knob nipples”. Stuff like that is cruel but not out of the ordinary.

ariel15's avatar

Wow,thats what happend to me too! I have know idea why but he is just so annoying and stupid to me now; i feel discusted just thinking about him. The only thing that i think helps is get a new one, but think to your-self first,“Is there any way i could get disscusted or annoyed of him/her’’?

camylanded's avatar

The obvious answer is that you need to think of the negative things in order to get over the person. I’d say the more psychological answer is that you have a clearer mental picture when it’s over because the love and/or infatuation feelings are over and you’re able to see things at face value and see a person logically for exactly what they are. If there weren’t problems in a relationship, you’d still be together, so in general, break-ups happen for good reason. You’ll eventually get over them and move on.

hopeful5141's avatar

It is because you no longer need to find reasons to put up with the person. When you are with someone, you want to see their good side, give the benefit of the doubt, and minimize problems. All those bets are off once things are over. The blinders come off, and also, it is easier to to focus on the things that you did not like, so the hurt and anger is buffered a bit.

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