Social Question

HamstarOfFate's avatar

Is this sexist or just pride?

Asked by HamstarOfFate (67points) August 24th, 2010

I was walking with my boyfriend through town today and I mentioned something about going to see Vampires Suck on friday and he said he didn’t think he could go because he’s broke so when I said I was planning on paying for him he got all upset and we got into this whole conversation about how he would feel bad if I pay for him because he’s the guy and I’m the girl and HE’S supposed to pay for ME not the other way around. If this is just pride then will someone please explain to me why he’s like that and if it’s sexist I need to know so I can punch him in the face. Thanks!

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16 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

To me, it sounds like sexist pride.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Sadly, he doesn’t know he’s being sexist which means that kind of thing is harder to knock out of someone. He grew up with an understanding that that’s what he’s supposed to do as the guy and if he can’t get over it, well that’s just too bad. I’d never be with someone who couldn’t let go of these gendered pigeonholes. You can have a conversation with him about you don’t think there is a problem with this at all and that you don’t think the guy has to pay for the girl all the time. Address it because believe you me, these notions spill onto the entire relationship and if you didn’t like this, you won’t like much else.

Blackberry's avatar

It is pride. I used to feel the same way, and I still do sometimes, but I also realized that I wouldn’t like a woman that expected me to pay for everything, so of course there would have to be a middle ground.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I wouldn’t call it sexist, but old-fashioned. It’s sweet that he doesn’t want to take advantage of you, but depending on his work situation, he may never have money to take you out. A good rule to establish is, whoever chooses what you are going, pays for the costs. That way, you get to do what you want to do, and he gets to do what he wants to do.

Haleth's avatar

I kind of get where he’s coming from. Women earn on average about 77% of what men earn. Even though he has an advantage in earning money, he’s still broke. If I were him, I’d beat myself up over that a little, too.

I guess he’s trying to be chivalrous by insisting on paying for the movie, but he’s not dealing with it in a graceful way. If he got upset and had a whole long conversation about it, all that does is make you feel guilty and offer him reassurance. If he wanted to be a gentleman, he should have just offered to pay next time, or you could have done something free for your date.

Trillian's avatar

So. He wants to take care of you and you want to punch him in the face. I’d guess that this relationship needs some work.
Clearly you are going to have to discuss fiances and come to an agreement. Try to keep your cool. The poor dope seems to mean well. Be glad h’s not a big sponge like my ex.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

A bit old fashioned pride can help take the sting out of feeling lousy being broke, I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal but then I’m a bit old fashioned myself. Remind him it’s pretty common that the person who does the inviting is the one who is prepared to pay for the outing unless a split is offered and maybe accepted. Help him ease up on himself by becoming comfortable with what you using social practices already in place.

Aethelwine's avatar

I agree with @BarnacleBill. I think it is very sweet. The boy cares for you. You are very lucky!

perspicacious's avatar

It’s all of the above I guess. It’s probably a cultural thing. I had a similar experience and am afraid to offer again. The worst part about it is making him feel badly somehow. I would never do that intentionally.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Given his reason (I’m the guy etc.), it sounds like sexism and pride. He doesn’t want to lose face by falling into the sexist stereotype of a guy who doesn’t pay. He obviously needs a bit of a learning curve, but it should be gentle because it seems like he didn’t mean any offence. Just gently explain to him that if he wants to pay, or if you want to, it is because you want to do something for the other person, not because of your gender.

GingerMinx's avatar

I would ask him what is more important to him, his pride or snuggling in the back row of the movies with you.

Zyx's avatar

He’s confused, you guys should probably worry about your own shit.
Maybe he just lacks the real world experience needed to make the right decisions, tell him.


Call it what you will but one thing’s for sure, men need to feel good about themselves, to feel like they’re in control, and to feel like they’re helping the little ladies. It’s in our nature to feel dominant and proud, so don’t knock it. Let a man have his day and forget about the crap that it’s “sexist”.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES “It’s in our nature to feel dominant and proud”
Only for self-important chauvinists. Pride doesn’t have a role in a successful relationship, because relationships are all about equality.


@FireMadeFlesh Those words “sexist, chauvinists”, were only devised by certain females to help the feminist cause, which don’t mean a thing to me. Sorry, lady.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES I’m not a lady, I’m a guy who actually believes in treating my girlfriend of two years with some respect and a sense of equality. Back to the original question, I can think of no good reason for the guy to refuse to let her pay. Why not have a good time, and forget the petty issue of who is paying? Why not let her give him something?

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