Social Question

Ranimi23's avatar

Is ignoring someone who hurt you the best offensive weapon?

Asked by Ranimi23 (1914points) August 25th, 2010

It’s an open question for discussion, not something specific.

If someone really hurt you in some way, hurt your feelings very badly. Is ignoring this person the most lethal weapon to fight back and move on? Never refer to him ever again, like he is nobody for you from now and for the rest of your life.

Did you do that?
What were the consequences of this behavior?
Did the other side learn his lesson or not?

Unfortunately, I find it works. This kind of punishment for worked for me. After all, there are people I do not want in my life, no matter how much they will try to get back, and this is the way to show them the door out. And even if they make faces when they’re near me, as if offended, it will not change my inner sense, I did the right thing.

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31 Answers

Austinlad's avatar

Lots of good answers here

Jude's avatar

Freudian slip (“heart you”)

I’m pissed/upset for awhile, but, then I realize that I deserve better and I move on. And, I no longer have anything to do with them. I truly don’t care if it bothers them or not, whether or not I talk to them.

Leave the past in the past and move on.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I don’t ignore people when they hurt me. I either decide I want to work things out with them and discuss it and go from there or I decide that it’s time to cut them out of my life and I tell them exactly that. It takes a lot for me to want to cut someone out of my life.

Cruiser's avatar

I think it works quite nicely myself. ;)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

It certainly is a good weapon.

flutherother's avatar

If you really ignore somebody you don’t take offensive action against them. You ignore them not to hurt them, because you are better than that, but because you no longer want them in your life. I have done this and I honestly hope I didn’t hurt the person concerned. The consequences are that I no longer see or speak to that person. Whether she has learned a lesson or not I do not care.

ucme's avatar

I got that beat. The wife wielding a pan when i’ve maybe crossed the line a touch. Thankfully both are extremely rare events.

josie's avatar

It works great. There is something sort of soothing about ignoring people who are a vexation to your spirit. People can say what ever they want to about loving your neighbor or whatever. Truth is, you do not have to, and they can’t make you. Ignore away, and enjoy it.

perspicacious's avatar

I wouldn’t use the word ignore. I have made a conscious decision to have absolutely no contact with someone who hurt me terribly. It was really the only way to survive. I never looked back.

Seek's avatar

I consider it more of a shield than a spear. Someone hurt me, so I separate myself from them so I cannot get hurt again.

Much like how I avoid poison ivy patches and beehives.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I silently walk away from verbal attacks, not even attempting to defend myself. This has caused confusion in the past, but I really don’t care. My rationale is that a friend wouldn’t attack me and I’m totally indifferent about what non-friends think of me.

CaptainHarley's avatar

There are advantages to being thought “crazy.” For one thing, your friends, your true friends, will forgive you. For another, your enemies cross to the other side of the street and leave you the hell alone! : D

Frenchfry's avatar

They want the attention. Don’t give it to them is whole lots worse then in your face.

Deja_vu's avatar

Kill them with Kindness! Nah, just ignore them.

CMaz's avatar

I don’t like the word “ignore”.

It implies an effort. THAT only continuing the dance.

I shut them down. Pushing them to the back of my mind and forgetting about them.

Spider's avatar

It depends on the person who is doing the “ignoring”.

Personally, I don’t have any desire to punish another. I consider that they are already suffering plenty living as a person who hurts others, and it’s up to them whether they learn a lesson or change.

I “let go” of people who hurt me or otherwise I don’t want to be close to. Whatever term you want to use to describes “letting go” that takes the least bit of effort, but is done with compassion, describes what I attempt. Ignoring and avoiding takes effort and there is enough negativity without me contributing more.

And yes, I have accomplished this once. It actually worked out great because I had to maintain a professional relationship with this person, and that’s exactly what I got.

Trillian's avatar

I wonder at your choice of terminology. If you are ignoring someone, why do you consider yourself to be in need of offensive weapons in order to fight anyone?
You are using conflict terminology, which means you are engaging in conflict and looking for a winner and a loser. That’s a big expenditure of negative energy. Why bother? Your words indicate a desire to go on punishing or making the other person suffer. I’ve heard that the best revenge is living well.
Your last sentence especially; “And even if they make faces when they’re near me, as if offended, it will not change my inner sense, I did the right thing.” This is conflict language. You’re sayng “Hah! This is what you get. I guess I told you!” Every time you see the person. You are not ignoring, you are saying “Look at me ignore you, jerk.” So whatever the conflict is, it has obviously not been resolved. You are continuing the conflict and racking up points. Is this really what you want?
My choice has always been just to erase people out of my life if they prove to be negative influences in some way. I do not initiate contact, but if I were to see the person out in public somewhere and they were in my face saying hello, I would respond pleasantly. I wuldn’t get together for coffee to “catch up” or divluge details of my life, but “Hello” is ok. Just speak and continue your day with a smile. It uses fewer facial muscles and causes fewer raised eyebrows. It also sends out less negative energy.

Coloma's avatar

I am a big proponent of open. honest communication.
A skill that continues to evolve as we grow and mature.

Ideally you would have the ability to directly confront the person that hurt you in a non-defense but clear and direct way and express your feelings to them regardless of outcome.

Even if you wish to sever the relationship this approach will cleanse you of your negative thoughts and allow you to move on in a healthier way.

The ‘silent treatment’ used as a covert and passive aggressive way of getting your message across serves nobody in the longterm.

If you truly decide you are not interested in trying to work things out with this person then just be honest. Be the bigger person and free yourself of any emotional game playing.

Pistol's avatar

I don’t think ignoring anyone for any reason is a good idea. Unless your a 12 year old on a school bus and someone calls you fat… just ignore it.
But it seems like a vindictive attitude to try and hurt someone back because they hurt you, wether they deserve it or not. Be angry, be hurt, but being ugly to that person until they go away seems like an exhaustive way to get someone out of your life. Just tell them how you feel and that the relationship isn’t going to work anymore.

I find it a bit unhealthy that you’e looking for the best weapon to hurt someone emotionally with. That you feel the need to “fight back” and teach them a lesson. I don’t think that’s up to us. I’m not their parents, I have no responsibility to try and teach them how to treat others. I have every responsibility to protect my family and myself from people who don’t care about us.

I just recently had a scenario where I found out that my best friend of 4 years was madly in love with my wife, to the point of obsession. I had my suspicions for quite some time but he always denied it. I later found out that he was doing everything he could within his power to get her to think that he was better for her than me. He felt like the things I have, e.g., job, car, home, family, I didn’t deserve. I found this all out and told him to never talk to my wife or I again.

I stood up for what I believe what was right and he was at least respectful enough to leave my family alone. Hurting him or teaching him a lesson is just a waste of my time and energy. I’ve got bigger fish to fry! ;)

Robot's avatar

I think ignoring is best. Ironically I’ve been doing this a lot to a handful of people recently and finding that I am ok and better off without those people in my life. some were “close friends” but apparently it was only from my point of view that I held them so high. Disecting situations and looking back how everything went from the start of our relationship or friendship up to this point and how they are now especially I realize I was the blind one and being very naive.

Having friends and close people in your life are important I suppose, or atleast 1 or 2 people to be able to talk to, confide in and share things with but it is very important to be able to be content on your own and be able to happy alone if need be. In the end I realize which is absolutely true for everyone.. the ONLY person you can always 100% count on is yourself and YOU have to make that happen for YOU. We come into this world born alone(then handed off to mom of course) and we all die ALONE. As far as ignoring like I said i believe that best. I am very into honesty aswell as @Coloma was stating BUT if this is just going to brew an argument, create drama and further drag on the ending of a relationship with you and that person if that is what you want then I do not see a point. I used to be notorious for giving many chances and being very forgiving.. and now eh.. not so much anymore. After your trust gets broken in various ways (for me) anyway it makes me a stronger person mentally and emotionally and you begin to think everyone is going to just let you down or not stick around for the longhaul anyway so you choose not to let anyone new in that’d be friends or more, because you think that even if they say theyre not going to leave they end up at some point doing that anyway down the line. (this is again for me personally). However cutting people off and hermitting yourself is not too healthy either I realize. But sometimes you need that for awhile to get your mind right and still you can always choose to keep your guard up with whatever path you choose.. with or WITHOUT people or (those) people.

Also if youre vulnerable and naive like I have been at times (IN THE PAST) if you think a discussion and confrontation is necessary with this person who has screwed you over many, many times in the past (in whatever way), I’d suggest not and just keep on, keeping on and just stick with forgetting them if possible and ignoring them, bc you will just end up getting sucked back in and if it’s a huge argument and doesnt turn out that way you will just add more bullshit onto your own inner thoughts and feelings with the stress, disgust, hurt, etc.It takes a lot for me cut someone out of my life too and before very recently up unitl the last couple of months I had only done that officially to a couple people, but apparently I am realizing that i tend to attract assholes in every form.I get and don’t get why the reasons for this.

(Hope all this makes sense, it does to me perfectly anyway lol)

Seaminglysew's avatar

Yes, this works for me. People who hurt me are not worth my time and energy.

mollydrew's avatar

I usually ignore someone who has hurt me, like Seaminglysew they are not worth my time and energy. I have recently had someone hurt me and I choose to ignore them, mostly because I truly care for them and have been very good to them, it hurt so much I did not know what to do. Ignoring was the worst thing to do in this particular situation, they have broadened the attack against me and made life unbearable. Retaliation is out of the question, I should have faced this at its’ onset, I should have been up front and not ignore it.

BratLady's avatar

It probably is at first because it gives me time to get over the hurt. I’m a very forgiving person, so I’ll give them a second chance. If they hurt me again, then I ignore them totally. Maybe not a mature thing to do but it ps me from saying something I may regret later.

Battousai87's avatar

if someone really hurt me usually i go for the ignor them path. which for me usually includes, essentially erasing them from my mind, forgetting about them, and not acknowledging them when i see them, particularly if they are with other people.

then i usually try to find someone better to replace them more or less, because in order for someone to hurt me they usually have to get pretty close and earn my trust after a very long period of time, then they become a close friend and eventually are trusted enough to the point where they can hurt me. So usually it’s like trying to find another best friend i guess for me.

then of course depending on the nature of the falling out, how badly i’m hurt, and in what way they hurt me. if the severity of the hurt is enough, well….revenge is my favorite weapon, usually psychological (it lasts longer and is way way way more detrimental to the other person in the long run than a simple yelling match). I’ve only done this to two people and as far as i know they have remained scarred for more than a satisfying amount of time already. it’s cruel but this is only reserved for the harshest offenders, similar to a death sentence i suppose.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

Wielding offensive weapons does not allow you to heal and move on.

If you think they hurt you knowingly and intentionally and you will not accept any apology they might offer, then forgive them and move on.

Why forgive them? Do so because it frees you from writhing in pain and it allows you to focus your thoughts and feelings in more productive directions.

Forgiving them robs them of any power they seem to possess to hurt you.

zen_'s avatar

^ Word.

Mutable's avatar

Friends trust each other and have each others back. This person has moved into the “acquaintance” category. Time for you to move on. Don’t ignore them…. just treat them like you would treat an acquaintance. Good luck.

Aster's avatar

@Mutable that’s what I do. (;

HungryGuy's avatar

Nah. Just put them in a big slingshot and hurl them into the sun…

lookingforwhy's avatar

I had an ex that we both ignore each other for 3 weeks even though we saw each other almost everyday. We didn’t even say a word. We both pretty much destroyed each other through out our relationship. Now we talk and we’re better this way than just ignoring each other.
Honestly, if ignoring that person is what you want for punishment, it’s kinda immature. Unless you’re ignoring them to take a break and move on from each other then it’s a different story.

Mr_Paradox's avatar

Try petty revenge. Saran wrap across a door works well….

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