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hehe888us's avatar

How do I answer this question from an Ex Nosy Co-worker?

Asked by hehe888us (21points) March 25th, 2008

My ex coworker who I worked with for a few years was always very nosy. I haven’t worked with her in 5 months, but becasue I am pregnant she keeps emailing me all the time with questions about my pregnancy and very private ones like, who is your OBGYN and what time are you scheduled to have your c-section and what is your birthing class schedule? She even tried to get me to go to dinner with her becasue she wanted to see me pregnant when I had sent her pics already! I told her I was too busy to plan dinner and the she called me from a private number AT WORK to chat!Then the last straw was this question I got form her yesterday…

Hi there Mom to be!

If I were to drop off a gift at your home, where would be a good place to leave it if no one is at home??

To me this feels as though she is pretty much inviting herself over to my home which I am so uncomfortable with. I don’t even know how she knows where I live, although she does have my address from eavesdropping on my conversations. I almost want to tell her to mail it, but I don’t know how to respond to this in a tactful way without giving her the okay to just drop by. I don’t like anyone to come to my home unannounced! I feel like if I say just leave it in the mailbox, that gives her the okay to just come by unannounced…HELP!

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27 Answers

Les's avatar

Why don’t you just bite the bullet and meet her for an hour at a coffee shop or diner or something (public!). That way she can give you the gift without coming to your house, and you can go on your way after that. It seems like she is going to be relentless until she either sees you, or gives you the gift. I hate when people I don’t really have anything in common with bug me like this. But I have found that a quick cup of coffee or lunch usually appeases them. It is uncomfortable for you, but wouldn’t it be more uncomfortable to have her keep bugging you?

oneye1's avatar

after you are blessed with the birth of your baby will you be cursed by having to go back to work with this person and have you had a baby shower tell her to save the gift for it

axlefoley's avatar

Give her my number! Or be totally honest, and tell her to wind her neck in. Or you could play on the morning sickness and hornmones being all over the gaff.

hehe888us's avatar

Thanks everyone for the feedback! I think I might just not respond at all or suck it up and meet her for coffee and or just tell her to mail it, but she is the type of person that if I meet her she will keep hounding me. I even dropped many hints, she is just THAT nosy! : )

axlefoley's avatar

Tell her about Fluther, she might find this thread!

delirium's avatar

do you know if there is a particular reason behind this hounding?

scamp's avatar

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!

It sounds to me like she just really likes you and wants to be a good friend. She probably doesn’t realize she is creeping you out with her enthusiasm. So I agree with the others. Have lunch with her so she won’t come to your house. If you ask her to mail the gift, she will have you address, and it sounds like you don’t want her to get that. You will have to set some boundaries with her, or this situation could get more aggravating for you, especially once the baby is born.

As far as all the questions go, my Mother taught me a very good way to dispel nosey questions. When someone asks something I don’t care to answer, I ask them why they want to know. usually they say somethine like ” I was just curious”. My next reply is simply, “Oh”, and then I change the subject. iI works pretty well.

iSteve's avatar

I get the impression that you don’t like this woman and the fact that she is being a bit creepy is just reinforcing it. Well, if you were ever going to go off on her, now’s the time! If you regret it later you can always blame the hormones from being pregnant!!! She does sorry a bit creepy, I gotta admit…

gailcalled's avatar

Plead exhaustion and heartburn and stretched tendons in groin, for starters. And all possibly true. Scamp has the perfect technique if you actually end up spending a little time w. her. Answer a question that you find offensive with another question/ and make sure to waddle when you arrive and leave. Not that difficult, of course.

cwilbur's avatar

“Sorry, sometimes when people leave things on our porch they get rained on, and I wouldn’t want that to happen to your gift!” Substitute “stolen” or “attacked by the cat” or “marked by the neighborhood dog” as you prefer.

If you don’t value this person as a friend (and it sounds like you don’t), I recommend brutal honesty. “When’s your C-section?” “I’m sorry, but I prefer not to discuss medical matters with people who aren’t very close friends and family.” “When can we have dinner?” “I’m sorry, but I’m very busy with stuff, and I’m tired and not really feeling social, and I don’t really have time to go.” Then, when she calls at work: “I’m sorry, but I am at work and I have a great deal of stuff to get done. We will have to talk another time.”

Be hard-nosed and firm. She’ll get the point, though it may take a while.

Riser's avatar

does she have any kids? This sounds like a classic case of mother envy. When did the “creepy” start?

syz's avatar

It sounds to me like she just likes you a lot more than you like her – kinda sad, actually.

cheebdragon's avatar

I agree with riser!
I really dont want to freak you out because your pregnant and its probably just her liking you more than you like her, but just be very carefull about what you tell her,
There are a lot of crazy ass people out there with alterior motives and she may be one of them.

hehe888us's avatar

She does have kids and a family too! And she hounds other people too, not just me, in fact this morning she emailed me again to ask when my last day is before I go out on leave AND if they were getting a temp to sit in for me…I asked her why she wanted to know! I don’t understand how someone can be involved in so many peoples business and still manage to take care of thier own family and life-I can’t. And by the way I really don’t think She REALLY likes, me because I overheard her talking crap about me to another co-worker at the office-that’s when I stopped trusting I think she is just a really NOSY person.

axlefoley's avatar

May be she has really bad people skills. She just might be trying to hard to make friends, she might have problems at home and is makeing excuse’s up to get out off the house. Just guessing!

scamp's avatar

I’m happy to hear you used the “why do you want to know ” method. If you heard her talking behind you back, it might be in your best interest to tell her straight out that you aren’t interest in discussing your personal life with her. Sometimes you just have to put people like this in their place to get them to stop.

I think you could tell her what you overheard, and that you aren’t happy about it. Then tell her from now on, you want your relationship with her to be strictly job related. Since you heard her yourself, she really would have no defense for this, and you should be able to get her to leave you alone.

I myself am starting to get kind of nosey, because I’ll be interested to know how this turns out for you. Be firm with her. Good luck!!

gailcalled's avatar

And she is beginning to sound beyond-nosy; maybe she has problems that you should run from. Don’t let this issue sap your energy or stress you. Do you have a partner who can intervene and simply tell her to back off?

cwilbur's avatar

Well, if you don’t think she’s trying to be friendly, and you have no need of her goodwill for professional reasons, it’s time to escalate.

“I’m sorry, I don’t care to discuss personal matters with you.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can accept a gift from you.”

“I’m sorry, but I prefer to keep my relationship with you on a strictly professional level.”

Shut her down, politely and with a hint of being apologetic, but don’t give her an in.

scamp's avatar

I agree, but I don’t think you need to be apologetic. If you begin those statements with I’m sorry. It could show hesitance or weakness on your part. I don’t feel you have anything to apologize for. I think those statements can be given in a polite manner without being apologetic. If she is talking behind your back, as you said, she is the one who should apologize. But I wouldn’t even bother trying to get one from her, because she may just try to use that as a way to continue what she is doing.

cwilbur's avatar

No, there’s nothing to apologize for – but the “I’m sorry” is the bit of sweetness that makes the rest of the statement easier to swallow.

You aren’t actually apologizing for feeling that way; you’re just saying “I’m sorry” to soften the blow.

scamp's avatar

I used to feel the same way. After reading pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne W Dyer, I don’t apologize for something I don’t need to anymore. He explains it very well in the book.

hehe888us's avatar

THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE!!! I will defnitely be more frank with her next time I hear from her…FYI her response to my inquiry was “just curious” to which I responded “well I don’t know when I am going out on leave I haven’t decided yet” and I have not heard back from her so hopefully this is the last time…maybe once I get the gift I won’t send a thank you note either-that would be enough for me to cut ties with someone. By the way, I told her the best thing to do would be to mail it as things can get stolen. She already had my address too, just as I suspected!

cheebdragon's avatar

Maybe she wants your job? Or has someone that she wants to help get your job? Since you said she was saying bad things about you to another coworker.
That happened to me at my last job, a lady tried to get me fired so her girlfriend “life partner” could get my job, but she just ended up getting herself fired. She didn’t know the owner was my uncle! Lol but lt sounds to me that she has some alterior motives if shes being too faced about things.

cwilbur's avatar

@hehe888: I wouldn’t even accept the gift, were I you. That will just send the wrong message.

hehe888us's avatar

Blocked her email and have washed my hands clean of this woman! Yay I feel much better hearing that I am not the only one who thinks her inquiries are overboard! Now on to more important things…my baby boy! Thanks everyone!

gailcalled's avatar

Brava. bravissima, bravavavissima. First baby? If so, forget us and enjoy the next four months w. your spouse.

scamp's avatar

I’m ver happy to hear that! Enjoy your family and let her pick on someone else. Who knows, maybe you have taught her a lesson, and she will rethink being so nosey!!

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