General Question

shoebox's avatar

How to deal with my fiance's ex girlfriend?

Asked by shoebox (517points) August 27th, 2010

One of the girl’s my fiance use to date sent both of us an email telling me off for not letting him speak to her, and asking him does his friendship with her mean so little. By his own choice he stopped contact with her, and by his own choice, when she sent that he logged into both of our accounts and blocked her… the next day she sent him a photo on his phone of her kissing another girl and wrote ‘would this annoy her’ My fiance told his best friend to tell her to leave us alone and later on she sent him another txt message at 2 am telling him sorry, and that her friend sent that photo to stir things up and that she was just a mate…
I would just like to understand why she is doing this, does she still have feelings for him? whats her purpose in even bothering to do this much…
The other night we were with friends and we were in the same cinema another one of his ex’s were in…. she walked out with her friends and at a house party she also brought up his name to a friend of his stating he probably cheated on her (which his friend said never happened, though she cheated on him) and she started to cry… what does this also mean?

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31 Answers

truecomedian's avatar

To bad this is in the General section. This woman sounds vindictive, and you telling him to tell her to “just leave you alone” or something like that, is on her level, it’s childish. No offense but this woman will only get more annoying unless you totally get behind your man on this and stop trying to understand why shitty people do shitty things. I hate awkward moments like the one you spoke of at the movies. Like I was told, you can only do three things with someone, you can be there friend, you can help them, or you can block them out/cut them off. There are ways, rules to go by for each and it works, I just dont know them.

chyna's avatar

The one sending the text messages is just vindictive. She can’t have him so she is doing things to try to make him miserable and perhaps come between the two of you. It sounds like he is doing all the right things to not let her in his life and I think you have a pretty great guy that is handling things so well.

shoebox's avatar

@chyna thanks,I do, that I know, he’s one in a million….. I love him to bits, it’s him a trust. The other girls don’t matter…. I just like to understand where they are coming from

shoebox's avatar

Just to add…. this girl also broke up with her boyfriend when she found out my fiance was single (before we met).... I just find her a bit shallow here….

marinelife's avatar

The one who keeps contacting you two still has feelings for him. It is possible the other girl does too.

Your fiance’s actions have been very admirable.

Look at this way: you got the guy. Try to ignore these women.

misstrikcy's avatar

Sounds like a bunny boiler to me…
Joking aside, she is being a bitch. She’s been rejected by your partner, she’s hurting, and she’s aiming it all at you because whilst she’s doing it, she’s getting a kick out of it – which will give her temporary relief from her own pain.

How old is she?

actuallery's avatar

Maybe that’s why he dropped her, she sounds like a “clingy” type of person who probably tried to control him.

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian I like your advice, but no haha, there are no lesbians involved here, this girl broke it off with her boyfriend when she found out he was single before we met… Shallow girl

@marinelife he is really admirable, and earns all my trust, with him I should forget my worries… thank you for the comment

@misstrikcy yeah, I was thinking roughly the same thing… she’s around 19, 20…. same age as us…. but keep in mind… his two ‘ex’s’ were very slutty girls and both cheated on him…

misstrikcy's avatar

Thought as much.
You and your fiance sound really cool so keep ignoring any comments or messages she makes, even if it’s through friends. They’re designed to hurt you both… pity her and leave well alone.

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian just remember, he’s ignoring her on his own accord…. which i like… but it’s his own choice…. and i love him for it!

jca's avatar

this sounds like childish drama. not saying you’re childish, but try not to get involved in the craziness. just back off and let her act stupid on her own. he would be wise to avoid it, as well. if you and he both avoid the drama, then hopefully it will end or else the ex will just look crazier and crazier.

truecomedian's avatar

What I really think I can’t write or I’ll get modded. But if you invited this woman into your bedroom, the more the merrier. This is only inappropriate if people have a narrow minded view of sex. I dont know, I think sex is a great and beautiful thing and some people out there are pissed because they missed out on their best years, and it set them up for a lifetime of regret. So your not into the embrace the love and not the hate idea? He should cut her off if he’s with you. There’s an artform to getting someone out of your life. I think he may enjoy the attention and so isnt completly stone walling her.

shoebox's avatar

@ica this situation has passed and we didnt do anything, i didnt reply to her and neither did he

@truecomedian he cut her off because it was his own decision, he just did it… and sex is only beautiful when your doing it with the person you give your heart to…. that way it feels like something real, something beautiful and right…. but thats just me, and thats him…. he’s not some one to go out and want a threesome…. he himself, could never do it… and that why he’s right for me…. if he’s lying to me then he’s not the man i think he is… and i wouldnt be in love with the person i thought he was… but what am I missing out on? nothing… i’m intimate because he motivates me to feel it, because im in love…. people who do other wise, thats their choice… not mine… he wants nothing to do with this person…. thats just disgusting to me…. i have a loving relationship with one other person…. im not the type to invite anyone into my bed…. but you have good points here and ill keep it in mind, but thats just not him… he doesnt like her or her attention… because you dont fall in love with some one or engage them if your not sure who they are…. my questions are pointed at these girls and their motives… not his and my other question is pointed at myself and my insecurities, not that i dont trust him but what prevents me to possibly let things flourish…. but I’m thinking of writing him a letter about how i feel and where we are now just so he can read it and understand me, then we could possibly talk and be honesty towards eachother… because thats what i appreciate the most, honesty is very important to me… and if he’s the man i think he is, then honesty is important to him too. but overall i know we love eachother…. and everything i tell him how i feel and if i write down whats going on at the moment, he tells me he respects me for telling him these things… but then… could they possibly be true… will see…

truecomedian's avatar

He’s totally cheating on you. Kidding kidding, just think you sound really naive, and that’s a beautiful thing, but I’m really concerned for you.

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian ye sure thanks…. are you in a relationship?

truecomedian's avatar

No I’m not, it’s borderline pathetic and tragic, I got my heart broken six years ago, and it ruined me. Been alone since. But I have been creepily hitting on girls at the Wal-Mart.
I get your point. I don’t try to be funny, I hope that I have made at least one person laugh. Not at this but in the past.

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian :( sorry to hear you’ve had your heart broken… I thought youd have some back story where its made you not care anymore…. but i’m smarter than you think :) trust me… im too mature for my age… but maybe im wrong, im only 19 haha, i know your kidding too… i’m just concerned with alot of things…. at the sametime i understand where your coming from… sometimes its better to be alone, you never have to worry or be hurt… you can just do your own thing… but… the person im with at the moment is exactly like me… so when people put something negative out there I can’t really believe that because I know he’s some one different…

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian maybe they didn’t deserve you…. and your yet to find some one who needs you just as much as you need them. But at the same time, you can have open relationships if you like that kind of thing, you just do what you feel is right…. thats most important

truecomedian's avatar

Much better. But I’m an asshole. You’re probably a sweet girl. I’m an evil genius that’s fading fast. I wasn’t trying to be negative, I was just trying to show a different perspective. When they say that truth hurts, it hurts telling someone the truth. It hurts the one telling the truth more sometimes. They dont specify who it hurts. You got typical drama, you need to make sure, he’s your boyfriend right? You need to remind him in some special way, of your level of commitment. If he’s not enjoying the attention, then it’s just typical drama, I love it. Because sometimes you can really help with these questions. Yeah, I got ruined, there was a lot of drugs involved too. I ruined my life. But I had some amazing victories, like going from the street to living in Hawaii, and going back to school, maybe. But I’m still wounded because I cant seem to find myself a good girlfriend. Thanks for the kind words. Sorry for my harsh ones

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian nah its all good, i totally get what you mean and why you say it…. well he did propose to me, took me to a hotel twice, buys me things, we go to university togather and he buys me lunch almost every day, he tells me he loves me almost everyday, sees more for like 2 weeks straight just because he wants to, despite my stupid thinking… i should look on the bright side, because they outweigh the bad or just my imagination. I have nothing against what you say, so its all good, I’m more curious to know what you have to say than me just hearing what i want…. but in actual fact l i dont need to hear what i want. because I know whats right at the moment… and at the moment… things really are ok… i need to realise that…. I just dont want to be a girl who gets played as a fool or doesnt have peoples respect…. i just want to let him know I’m here to support and love him and I need respect. but he does respect me and I just need to relax.

truecomedian's avatar

You ever meet anyone that insists nothing bad ever happens? Like it’s as if half of reality isn’t real to them because they decide to think that. Bad shit happens, bad shit is happening to someone right now, think globally. You seem like a sweet girl don’t get played, keep at least half your guard up. Question, are you physically more attractive than this guy, or is it an even match?

shoebox's avatar

@truecomedian i dont know really… maybe evenly matched? I don’t know how physically attractive I am but I have been offered to advitise for play boy bra’s… i found this insulting and said no… modelling bra’s isnt flattering for me. I’m sure he’s been asked too… he’s done more crap in life than I’d ever do… alot of bad things but he’s a good guy…. really looks after me… I can see that, me? I’d never even touch drugs…. I’d never do weed… but he has… but he’s only tried everything once, I’m making sure he’s never touching anything else again… even if he’s at a birthday, like hell i’m letting it happen. He use to drink alot, I only been to a bar for the first time this year… so I’ve lived a very sheltered life, but I’m not so oblivious…

truecomedian's avatar

no it’s a big mistake to underestimate someone. But look at what you just wrote, I can see inside your mind. I’m that in tune. It’s full of holes, Now this is where I try and say something that actually produces a positive result in someone elses life by spending my energy to do so. Ok, I can detect that you are a little insecure, makes sense since you think he’s lived so much more than you. Don’t forget about quality and quantity, some things aren’t worth trying once, your smart about that. I believe in our sentient right as beings to be masters of our universe and experiment and see what certain chemicals do. After all is said and done, it was heartbreak that did me in. Also, by saying that you can keep him from doing certain things, come on, can you really. You’re his pure girl, his innocent one, and you’re really smart potentially and thats valuable and attractive. I am going to side with him, and believe you when you say he has done bad things, but is a good guy, life doesnt work that way. My dad did it too my mom, he was all wild and worldly and he got her when she was eighteen and practically raised her. And he’s kind of a monster and he has turned her into one too. When I say monster I mean it, like heartless, unaffectionate, two faced etc. Your situation is grand because your nineteen, and you still have time to make huge mistakes. I’m going to pull age rank on you, Im 32, and I’m half dead. I’ve been through to much trauma, it’s given me insight and experience, but things have there limits. Things break, even people. Don’t get hurt with this guy is all Im saying.

le_inferno's avatar

The best thing to do is just ignore her, what she wants is attention and to get a rise out of both of you. She’s being an idiot, just laugh and move on.

actuallery's avatar

Get out of your sheltered lifestyle but don’t get into things that you would otherwise avoid. Doing “things” just to be seen as more compatible is not worth the problems that arise, further down the track. Get into activities that you both enjoy and accept each others weaknesses. Don’t be suspicious but, also, don’t let him get away with too much otherwise he might feel that you are too easy on him and he will (or might) do things that you do not approve to be sensible.

Relationships is all “give and take” but don’t give too much while he takes it all. Don’t be a homebody either. Make sure you go to his sports events even if you don’t like sports but also give him his space as much as you want your own space.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Never have a battle of wits with an bitch. In order to remotely have a chance of winning, you would have to stoop to her level. If you’re not naturally a bitch, you will be in unfamiliar territory, not know the rules and lose.

I recommend laughter. Step back. Everything that she is doing is pitiful, and her desperation is laughable. If this is how she acts, no wonder she’s his ex. Do not react except to laugh and point this out. Even if you’re not feeling confident, “fake it until you make it.” The last thing you want to do is become just like her.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I agree with @le_inferno And it does appear that they still have feelings for him.

keobooks's avatar

I think there’s a chance that she may not have feelings for him, but resents that he’s engaged and she’s not. I think sometimes that it’s rough when someone you broke up with ends up getting married because you can’t blame everything on him anymore—he’s obviously capable of making a commitment to SOMEONE.. just not you.

I never was as rude or crazy as your fiance’s ex, but after I turned 30, I got a little bit crazy when exes of mine would get married or engaged. Some of them I never thought about them at all until I heard that they were getting married. Then I’d get obsessive, depressed and/or angry about it. I felt like their happiness was an affront on my ability to have a decent relationship. It was nothing of the sort, but I couldn’t help feeling that way.

My husband had an ex-girlfriend who behaved the same way (to a MUCH lesser extent than the girl you’re talking about, but she was still a bit crazy). Odd thing was, she was married to someone else—and very happily married. She was just still resenting how my husband broke up with her suddenly and she had a little fantasy that he was a poor broken man who would never find happiness. Even though she had a great husband, she was really mad about him actually being able to commit to someone. As soon as we were married, she wrote a long rambling letter of apology and then never contacted us again.

I did some embarrassing things that I’m too ashamed to mention a few times because of that. I’d stay the heck away from this girl. It sounds like your fiance is doing what he can to steer clear of her to. He’s not putting up any red flags. Eventually, she’ll slink away, mortified at her behavior.

shoebox's avatar

@keobooks I don’t think she knows we’re engaged… only very few friends of ours know and who don’t even know this girl.

Nicole8's avatar

That is so nice and sweet of your fiance to block her. It really shows that he is a good guy who loves you and wants nothing to do with her.

It sounds like this girl is terribly jealous that he wants NOTHING to do with her so she is trying to stir up drama. Don’t let her know it bothers you because than she will keep doing it. Whenever she is around, kiss your fiance ALOT! :) :)

shoebox's avatar

@Nicole8 aww thank you for the advice, it made my day :) we don’t talk to her or bother :p

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