Social Question

jennsweet's avatar

Do you think a single mother with a boy should date?

Asked by jennsweet (12points) August 27th, 2010

I am a single mother and I have not dated for 8 years because I do not feel comfortable with it but my son is going to turn 9 and he has his own life and just act’s like he no longer needs me. So I am now getting lonely so I am considering it however I have had and heard some of so many bad experiences so I would like any suggestions or good advice on this.

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21 Answers

keobooks's avatar

I don’t see what would be wrong with some very very casual dates to get started—maybe some widows or divorced dads with kids about your age.

john65pennington's avatar

Nothing in the world should have stopped you from dating up till now. whomever you date, just tell them upfront that you have a son. this may turn away a lot of guys and thats okay. so, fix your nails, do your hair and head out for a night on the town. you never know what good might havppen.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

A nine year old still needs lots of care and supervision. You are entitled to a social life. Arrange for appropriate child care, go on dates but insulate your child from your dates until you have plans to get into a committed relationship.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t date. Just be careful about who you bring home around your son. My ex-husband (my son’s father) left when he was 10-months-old. I didn’t date at first, but in time I did. Several years later I met my husband. We’ve been together for several years now. In the years when I was dating, I had set rules for myself to follow. My number one rule was that I wasn’t going to let any of the guys meet my son until it got serious.

As long as you are careful with who you bring around your son (just like you would be with anyone you brought around) there shouldn’t be a problem. Be honest with the guys up front so they aren’t surprised about it though. Having a child and telling the guys that up front actually helps you eliminate the guys that wouldn’t want anything to do with your son in the long run anyway. :)

SeventhSense's avatar

Sure as shit. Why should I be the only one suffering the foibles of the dating life?

keobooks's avatar

My mom had a blast at Parents without Partners. She said there were several advantages—first of all, everyone knew that if you were there, you had kids, so there was no need to have to “confess” to having kids. Everyone knew if you were there, you had kids.

Another nice thing was that they screened everyone who joined. If you were going to be a member, you had to have some proof that you actually had kids (birth certificates, usually and you had to submit your divorce papers or a death certificate. This way you didn’t get creepy people who just wanted to meet people with kids.. nor was anyone secretly married and trying to hook up.

She also said there were lots of social events and group dating things so that if you wanted to get out, but you weren’t totally ready for serious dating, you could do activities and meet people just for fun.

mrentropy's avatar

Of course you should, if that’s what you want. And if you find a guy that doesn’t want to deal with your children, to hell with him. There’s more guys out there with hearts big enough for two.


Yes, but be aware that a lot of men do not like to date single women with children. It’s very possible that you may find a man who prefers otherwise, but many men tend to avoid the difficulties and troubles associated with children from past relationships. Nevertheless, good luck. ;)

Haleth's avatar

My parents divorced and both remarried, and a lot of my close friends have parents who divorced and/or remarried. I’m young, so I can only give you the kid’s perspective.

Giving up on dating for the past eight years was very selfless of you, and it’s great that you’re thinking so much about what’s right for your son. Some parents take this way too far, to the point where they give up their entire life for their children and live vicariously through their kids. My best friend’s mother was like this when we were younger. She gave up a successful career to take care of the kids and house and was very involved with her family. When she got divorced, she took a low-paying job so she could work less hours and be with her family most of the time. It goes without saying that she didn’t date. Eventually her children started to feel smothered and resentful and the mother felt hurt, abandoned, and unappreciated because she had sacrificed everything for motherhood and they did not want her sacrifice. Finally they sorted it out as a family and she went back to work, when the kids got older.

On the other hand you have parents who bring around everyone they date. If you’re a kid, the last thing you want to do is meet some new guy that your mom is dating every few months, because they all just seem like creepy old guys who aren’t your dad. Unless the person is really great, most kids will just feel ambivalent.

I think the best way to handle it is make the person “earn” the right to meet your son. A nine-year-old can definitely handle spending a few nights with a babysitter, but probably won’t want to meet the guys you date. So my only piece of advice is not to introduce your son to your boyfriend until the relationship gets serious.

jennsweet's avatar

So far all yes so good…..I think @SeventhSense has some great advice because the possibilty of “creepy” guys are the reason that I have not not dated for 8 years I had a VERY bad experience when my son was 6 months old and have been put off dating. I think that going to a place where it is structured like that may help me to ease some fears and meet some nice people. I think am going to look into it.

Jabe73's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES Great point! I have nothing against single moms but I have dealt with the kid’s father all of a sudden being “involved” with his kid (he didn’t give two shits before) when I briefly dated one girl. All of a sudden he was always there, it was his kid and I felt really ackward so I left. Now I hear they are with each other again.

@jennsweet I still see no reason why you shouldn’t date but like several others said, be upfront about having a kid and good luck. Weed the bad apples out.

jennsweet's avatar

Sorry on my last responce it was @keobooks that I thought had the great advice. But @SeventhSense yours was very funny.I think that so far @Haleth has been right on that is how I would like to do it I never planned on giving up dating forever just until I felt he was ready becuase he is old enough to know that even though he will not meet my dates,he will know that I am dating.

jennsweet's avatar

@Jabe73 that is a great point about the father I do not have that issue the father will never be around of show up. That is one thing that that would not be an issue.


@Jabe73 It’s just that many men (myself included) just don’t want the trouble associated with having children around who’s not theirs, by blood. In the past, when I dated a single woman with a child, the child always came first in the relationship. I know that sounds a bit selfish, but when you’re dating a woman and wanting to be treated special and wanted, it just doesn’t happen when there’s a kid involved.

Jabe 73, I also had an experience similar to yours once. The father of my g.f.‘s child had “all of a sudden” appeared from nowhere. He was obviously jealous, and felt very threatened by my presence. The ironic thing is that his 7 year-old boy loved me much more than his own father, who was never around for him. I loved the kid and took care of him well, but after awhile, with the boy’s father intruding all the time, it just got too crowded. I left the relationship, which broke the boy’s heart. :(

jennsweet's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES I do not have the father issue he will never be around. But you bring up one of my other serious fears if I do get seriously involved with someone and then my son loves the guy and he leaves or we break up my son will be devastated and it will be my fault.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

OMG! NO! NO! NO! NO! Just because you have a son or whatever, don’t feel ashamed, go have some fun and let maybe the grandmother take care of him. You and your friends could go to a club and you never know maybe you could even meet some interesting people. Others though may run away when they hear that you have an 8 year old son. IT’S THERE LOSS, CAUSE THEY WON’T GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, AND i AM SURE WHEN THEY KNOW YOU BETTER, SOME WON’T EVEN CARE IF YOU HAVE 5 CHILDREN OR WHATEVER, THEY’LL LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE

My answer is go on dates and just have fun, you could meet your second prince charming.


Seaofclouds's avatar

@jennsweet The concern about your son meeting them and it not working out was one of my concerns too. That’s why I made the rule about the guy meeting my son. I waited until things were serious between me and the guy and then I introduced them as a friend. My son was still pretty young, so he didn’t really understand it. Just take it slow and give things time to develop. You have some time before you’ll be ready for any guy to meet your son at this point.


@jennsweet Yes, that is a possibility. It happened in my case. But I didn’t want to leave. I loved the boy and he loved me dearly, but his father just stepped in and wouldn’t leave. The boy and his mother were white, and I’m not, so that played into it as well. By the way, I still keep in touch with the boy and his Mom once in awhile, and by all accounts the kid still remembers me fondly and cherishes the things I send him and the good times we had.

Pandora's avatar

I think @keobooks had a great suggestion. So long as you don’t forget you have a kid, I don’t see what would be the problem. I only say that because I have known some single moms who date and act like their kid is a burden to their dating life. However, I don’t think this would be the case with you. You certainly sound like you’ve given this a lot of thought and I think you are concerned with how it may affect his life. Go for it. In 9 years he will be off to college and he may wish you had someone else in your life by then.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I can remember wishing my mom would find someone her own age so I didn’t have to feel responsible for her, and worry about her being lonely. You’re quite wise to start dating now. He’s going to be heading into an age where he’s going to want his privacy, and his friends will become more and more important.

It’s healthy for him to understand that being a parent is only part of being an adult.

jennsweet's avatar

Thank’s for all your great advice. I am still considering it I will be going out for my b-day this weekend and my friend is bringing someone she wants me to meet so I will see how it goes. I think if I take it VERY slow I may be OK

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