Social Question

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

My best friend just found out his g/f cheated on him, why is he still with her?

Asked by Mom2BDec2010 (2666points) August 30th, 2010

My best friend and this girl have been dating for a few months and he found out that she cheated on him with and had sex with one of his best friends! I was so shocked that he is still with her. He claims he doesn’t feel like looking for another g/f so he’s gonna stay with her. Do you think that is the real reason? Do you think he won’t leave her because he’s insecure? What is other reasons why a guy wouldn’t break up with a girl if she’s cheated?

I know he’s never cheated on her. :/

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25 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

A lot of couples remain together after learning the other party has cheated – actually, if you’ve never been there, you can’t really understand. A relationship is more than that one happening and sometimes relationships are worth saving, for whatever reason. People also find that, in fact, they don’t care all that much if their partner cheated but do care about the trust that was broken – well, trust can be rebuilt and if they’re willing, let them be.

Ltryptophan's avatar

Maybe she is special in a certain way.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Too weak to let his dignity show him out of the relationship?

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

She treats him like dirt :(

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010 It’s still his choice.

Austinlad's avatar

No one understands the dynamics of a relationship, including what makes it and what breaks it up, like the two people involved in it. Perhaps you should trust his judgment.

loser's avatar

Maybe they weren’t monogamous.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I didn’t say it wasn’t his choice. Its just that I don’t wanna see him hurt anymore I really care about him, and he is really important in my life. Maybe i’m being over-protective. I just think he can do way better and find a girl that will do him right and be faithful.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010 Normal to be protective but we are all fools in love (even if it’s not a lot of love) and I’m sure reason won’t help. I’m sure he can do better but what if he thought the same about your relationship? It’d get old hearing how you can do better.

jazmina88's avatar

real love is about forgiveness…..not keep it up…...

chyna's avatar

Only he can decide if he can do better. Maybe he thinks she is the sun and the moon. I know, that sounds so pathetic, but it happens.

chels's avatar

It’s his choice, he will live with the consequences. Maybe there are things going on with them that you don’t know about, maybe they’ve worked something out. I doubt that’s the real reason that he doesn’t want to break-up with her, it’s probably something he just told you because he doesn’t want to tell you the real reason. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to hear what you have to say about the situation, maybe it’s for a different reason. Whatever it is, no one but him knows.

A lot of times people will forgive the one they love and give them another chance, maybe that’s what he decided to do. Either way he shouldn’t be judged for this – it’s his decision and his relationship. If he wants to set himself up to get hurt again. That’s his choice.

Scooby's avatar

If he can live with it then so must you, it’s his choice so he must have his reasons… The mad fool!! Hey who am I to judge… Just be there for your friend when he really needs you! ;-)

stardust's avatar

He obviously feels that there’s reason to try to make it work. It’s between him and his girlfriend and as @Austinlad said, nobody can understand the dynamics of another relationship.
Be there for him and trust his judgement.

Cruiser's avatar

She must really be good in the sack or loaded or both!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

He may be really embarassed he got cheated on and to break up with her would invite inquiries into why. I know a lot of guys who wouldn’t want anyone to know they got cheated on, especially by a girl they just started seeing. Also, he could really not be so much into her that a monogamous relationship is what he’s ready for or if she’s the one so by staying with her he keeps his options open while enjoying whatever else her company affords.

wundayatta's avatar

It can be so hard for a couple to stay together when one of them cheats, not because of the reasons you might think, but because there is so much social pressure to break up. If you don’t break up, you are seen as a loser with no self-respect. We see that in some of the comments above.

What most people don’t understand is the complexity of relationships and that some people can get past the pain of infidelity and rebuild a decent relationship. Sure, in many cases, the mistrust makes any further relationship pretty much impossible. But in most cases, this does not have to be the death knell.

Relationships are about more than pride. Most people see pride as something like self-respect—aka, not letting yourself be walked over. Pride gets in the way of a lot of problem solving—relationships or nations or in any other kind of negotiation. We have this idea about what is fair and just. “It’s not fair!” We complain all the time.

Life isn’t fair, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can get past situations where we let our wounded pride keep us from letting some things go so that we can get other, better things.

Infidelity is not necessarily a callous slap in the face. In fact, it really isn’t about you at all. It’s about the unfaithful person and the issues they are dealing with. Now you can tell them to fuck off and deal with their issues on their own time if you want. Or, if you love them and see much of value in them and in your relationship, you can buckle down and work to save the thing.

Couples counseling with a good counselor really can help. Opening up communication so you can share your inner pain helps. You have to air out the dirty laundry—that is, raise all the secret issues—and then, maybe, you can make it so you are both happier.

Infidelity is really less than people make it out to be. Rarely does it mean much to the person who is doing it. It’s more acting out because they don’t know what else to do with their pain. They think maybe someone else will save them, but that’s pretty much never the case.

Listen to your friend. Support him in doing what he wants. Please don’t get in his face about this. Rein back your “protective” feelings. Be there. Listen. Help. Don’t give him unwanted advice.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@wundayatta I think you’re right – not only that but people usually talk about these things while thinking about what they would do if this happened to them – serious projection.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

Maybe he just doesn’t want to lose her, try talking with him and talk some sense into him. I usually talk to my friends when they don’t see something that I can. It hard for the actual person to see since they are so blinded by the love that they’re in.

BarnacleBill's avatar

He probably hasn’t figured out what it means to him yet. Sometimes these things take time to process. He will sort it out on his own, if his friends give him the latitude to do so by staying out of things that aren’t really their business. Good friends are there to help pick up the pieces in the aftermath, not assist in taking a sledgehammer to the relationship.

Age does teach you that the law of averages does apply to most things in life. People generally do not beat the odds. Unfortunately, the only way you learn that is though experience when you are young. Your friend should not be denied the experience of learning through adversity; it’s part of becoming an adult.

Trillian's avatar

“I know he’s never cheated on her.” You know nothing of the kind. You know only what he allows you to know. For all you know, he beats the crap out of her on monday nights.
You can’t change people, you can’t live their lives for them and you can’t make them live the way you think they should. You can’t even tell him your opinion unles he asks you for it. Well, you can, but that would make you a meddlesome busybody.
Most of all you can’t know all the details of their private life together. As it should be.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

@Trillian Yeah ok. Say what you want. Im not following this question anymore.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Mom2BDec2010 It’s your question! People provided their answers – if you can’t handle that, why are you even asking in the first place?

rts486's avatar

My initial feeling is he is too insecure to leave her. I’ve known a few people who stayed with partners who treated them badly. Its alway been because they were afraid to be alone, or didn’t think they could do any better. I think some people have only known bad relationships, so they think that is how it is supposed to be.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Another thing to consider is how active of a couple are they? If he’s still feeling out the relationship before deciding to get serious then her seeing other people might feel less important than the type of time she spends with him. He could be weighing if she’s good copany 70% of the time, is that 70% better than when he was alone? Is her quality of time comfortable enough for him to not be interested in breaking off and then trying out someone new and start the whole process of getting to know someone over again? For people not yet in love then what many of us may see as “settling” might really be screening and feeling out instead.

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