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horse226's avatar

Relationship Advice: How would you suggest I patch this one up?

Asked by horse226 (4points) September 1st, 2010

I’ve been with my girlfriend for sometime now. We got into a stalemate over HIV testing. I often back up things I’m certain with the phrase “I’m HIV Positive about xxxx” to eliminate doubt. It was here when she questioned about my status (Tested or not). I told her that I donated blood back in 2009, and they’re still calling me back to donate. Granted, I didn’t have sex with anyone since the donation so I’m 99.9% sure that I’m clean. Now she feels I betrayed her trust; that I put her at risk. I cannot describe how horrible I feel. I’m in the middle of applying for Veterinary School but I feel that this is way more important. We graduated college together and my dream as a Vet (Pathologist specifically), is to purchase her an animal hospital that she can work out of. She’s an amazing girl and has all the qualities I could ever ask for. I care about her so much to the point where I’m willing to drop everything I have going for myself just to salvage our relationship. I guess I’m looking for a way I can make it up to her without interfering with the time she said she needed to think about her next move. I love her and I dont want to loose her. My mind is at a mental standstill, I cant sleep, can’t study, can’t even focus while at work. I went to take the test yesterday and now awaiting the results. Waiting is all I feel I can do….

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24 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

Just to be sure I understand, she’s upset because you didn’t have an independent HIV test before sleeping with her and she doesn’t feel the one they did when you donated blood was good enough?

Wait for your test results and then once you get them back, talk to her about it. If you did not have sex with anyone between when you donated blood and when you started having sex with her, I don’t really see how you put her at risk or how you betrayed her trust. Ask her what you did that made her feel betrayed so that you can work on that to move forward with the relationship.

faye's avatar

Talk lots more. Maybe she doesn’t realize that they test all blood. Did she have her blood tested recently? (just interested in where she feels the betrayal comes in)

pathhead26's avatar

I thank you both for responding (seaofclouds and faye). Correct. I believe that is why she’s upset. My whole aim is to make her happy since I told her that would be that aim of our relationship since her prior ones were far from that. The test will be back in 12 days. I’m just trying to figure out if there was something else that was underlying why she feels the way she does.

Faye: yes she had one back in April and later passed out since she’s borderline anemic. I was dumb enough not to donate at the time.

(By the way, im the same guy…just kinda thought that doing this was a shot in the dark, thus I deleted my profile…then decided to reinstate it soon after. I didn’t think a response would come this quick but thanks for taking the time.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@pathhead26 Perhaps her past relationships have a bit to do with why she if feeling betrayed. Talk to her about it. Tell her that you felt she was not at risk because all donated blood is tested. If anyone comes back being positive for HIV, they are notified. Since you did not sleep with anyone between the blood donation and her, she was not put at risk (assuming you don’t share needles or any of the other risk factors). Tell her that you got the test and you are waiting for the results. Then ask her what exactly you did that made her feel betrayed and ask her if the two of you can try to work it out. Good luck!

pathhead26's avatar

Thank you very much clouds. I will certainly have a talk with her about her prior relationships. I know very little details and I do have an idea as to how she feels betrayed but I really believe that I’m different from the rest. Thanks for the advice. Btw, my needles aren’t shared, they only for procedures on animals :).

lilikoi's avatar

Sounds like the problem lies with her not with you. Good luck.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I’m not exactly understanding the problem here. She’s an amazing girl. You see a future her. She wants you to have a blood test, because you’ve somehow picked up the use of using the expression “I’m HIV positive that XXXX” You walk around saying stuff like “I’m HIV positive that Tiger Woods is going to win the Masters”, “I’m HIV positive I paid for dinner last time” ?

If you’ve been with her for awhile, I’m assuming that you’ve been sleeping with her, and she really isn’t concerned about you actually being HIV Positive, because if she’s been sleeping with you, she can have herself tested.

So the issue is your language. She has a problem with your language, and insisting on taking a blood test is her way of saying, “just how positive are you?” By saying “I’m HIV positive that XXXX”, by asking for the blood test, she’s saying “Prove It.”

If you want to put things to right, stop saying such a immature thing. Break the habit. First, it’s mildly offensive sounding. Secondly, it’s grammatically incorrect. As a vet, you will have clientele that are HIV positive, who have lost loved ones to AIDS, who are worried that they are HIV positive. If you were to use it in an interview for vet school, it would probably adversely affect your application.

If you also use the expression, “that’s so gay,” stop that, too.

marinelife's avatar

Tell her that you have taken the test and are awaiting the results.

Reiterate to her that you have not slept with anyone—except her—since having your blood tested for donation. Reiterate for her that blood is not accepted into the blood supply unless the donors are HIV free.

Reassure her that you meant her no harm. That you knew you were HIV-free when you slept with her, That you would never have put her at risk.

Tell her that if you had it to do over again you would have just had the test done. That you didn’t realize how much it meant to her.

Also, stop using that expression you are using. It is quite jarring and unpleasant.

tedd's avatar

Tons of people don’t get tested at all, so don’t feel bad on that front. Her being THAT upset about it is kinda ridiculous imo. I can understand being concerned, but come on, complete betrayal of trust? Did she tell you up front that she wanted to know if you were clean? Cuz if not I don’t buy that.

You are correct though, the Red Cross would have checked your blood for HIV and would’ve informed you if you had it.

stardust's avatar

I’d imagine the problem lies with her. Communicate. Ask her to explain what exactly it is that she finds so upsetting.
I agree with @BarnacleBill about the immature/ignorant use of language.

pathhead26's avatar

@BarnicleBill- You’re correct. I’ve been using the expression as cited. I figure that I need to make alot of changes to my life and the way I’ve been with her so that is one of the things I plan to knock off. It will avoid it being a problem in the future or even creating a bad reputation in the my professional life. I appreciate you opening my eyes to the gravity of such an expression. Everything happens for a reason, right? I guess this is god’s way of saying “Grow up”.

@marinelife – I made those points during our argument earlier this week. She was quite distraught over me even questioning as to why she’s so flustered over it. I couldn’t do anything but clam up after stating my defense. I guess I was quite shocked as to how she was acting. Prior, she’d always found pleasure in the fact that I care for her. There’s been many times when I stopped what I planned on doing (mainly studying), just so I can be with her. As a graduate, I returned to school to take an undergraduate class needed for my application, however, I’m dropping it since I feel I need to make a change; include her in my life more often. Overall, I don’t want to avoid the topic of discussion with her seeing as to how she is about it. Lord knows that I wouldn’t have slept with her if I knew I was HIV positive. I don’t know where she is during her “I need time to think” stage but I’ll do my best to reinterate all points until she becomes belligerent once more.

@tedd -You’re not the only one who feels so. A few of my close friends said the same thing. I just feel horrible about it since I feel its my fault for us being in the rut. We started last year and yes, if it was that important you’d send me to get tested before we did anything. It maybe something else, this was just the icing on the cake. I’ve been having lucid dreams about the possibilities since this happened….

@stardust-I was going to wait it out. She said she’d call when ready, (we were chatting a bit last night before she needed to talk to her friend), but I’m not going to fade without intervention. Only thing I can pin my finger on is not spending enough time with her. My viewpoint is I’m trying to make a better life for us, just be patient. To me its different if I didn’t include her in my future plans. I never made her aware of my plans for her nor did I ever tell her that I loved her for the time we’ve been together, although I’ve been feeling this way for the past few months. I’ve always had bad luck falling first; just wanted it to be different this time I suppose.

skfinkel's avatar

Get tested. (it sounds like you did this already.) Show her the test. Tell her you will get tested any time she wants. Don’t sleep with her until the test comes back, showing you are negative. Apologize to her. Don’t be arrogant about this.

GladysMensch's avatar

OK, I’ll say it. There’s something screwy with your girlfriend. You justifiably believed you were HIV negative when you started sleeping together, because the blood donation center that tested your blood asked you to give more… indicating your blood was clean. You had no reason to believe you were putting her at risk… in fact, you had credible evidence that you were not. How exactly did you betray her?

GladysMensch's avatar

One more thing… are/were you using condoms. If you weren’t, then she really has no right to complain. You can’t willingly engage in risky behavior with someone, and then blame that person for putting you at risk.

isuppose's avatar

She really shouldn’t be upset about this. If you’re donating blood frequently, you aren’t HIV positive. Tell her that and then go get tested if she’s still not sure

josie's avatar

Why didn’t she ask the question before exposing herself

faye's avatar

I am following this and wonder if she’s using that argument to mask something else. The idea of betrayal seems overly dramatic and perhaps she’s trying to break up and using this? If I was in a loving relationship with a man, I woould want him to do everything to get to his dream. Don’t give up your studies- you might be left without your dream and without her. And, pardon me, but maybe better off without the drama.

Disc2021's avatar

@faye I second what you have to say. I understand the captivating affect of love, wanting to spend your life with another person, etc. However, as time goes on people change — the person you love could suddenly turn into a backstabber and in the end you may find you’ve wasted a countless time on only what you thought was love. Your goals, your education and your future is important, dont let anyone stand in the way.

Please dont mistake that as cynicism, I wish you all the best with this person and chances are it’s just a bit of a dramatic argument; tension that needs to be worked out. Just dont lose sight as who you are as a person and your true dreams.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

How angry can she be if is only now questioning your test status? Why didn’t she ask you about it before having sex with you? She put herself at risk. It’s not okay to assume, it’s just a gamble. Wait out your result and then talk to her about better communication in the future.

Zag_grad2010's avatar

If she wants space to think about it then you should give it to her. It is probably tough to do, but man up and deal with it. If I was in her shoes I would be angry too since it is a pretty serious situation. Also, don’t say things like, “I want to purchase her an animal hospital that she can work out of,” because it makes you sound desperate. She knows how you feel, but making a promise like that degrades I feel. Why can’t she get a job on her own doing it? Does she need your help? Don’t always try to appease her because women don’t like that.
My advice is that you hang out with your friends and go out until the test results come back. She doesn’t want you to surprise her with any grand gesture, which is what you are trying to get at I think. Time alone is what she needs.
Probably more honest than you wanted, but I know how girl problems can suck.

pathhead26's avatar

@skfinkel – Correct. I was tested the day she brought it up. I “txted” her about doing so last night however I’m going to see her tonight; not being arrogant about it. I need to load off of my mind to figure out what next.

@GladysMensch – I came to that conclusion today, that something else is up. Its the same game that my ex played with me before she moved off to college in 2005. She broke up with me and 3 months later was with a new guy; 10 year difference between her and him. Granted, he “raped” her when they got together, (got her drunk at a night club and took her home), however she still used me as a safety blanket until I started to move on. She cut us off cold since I got over her. We were always using condoms but her case is that I betayed her trust, wanting to have sex WITHOUT a condom (she’s religious about wearing them), without getting tested after March of 2009. I look at HIV as a hopeless situation. When you have it, you have it. There’s only so much the drugs we have today can do for a patient, but in the end, you have a stigma attached to you as well as enduring mental torture. If you were foolish enough to expose yourself to it, you gotta live with it. My ex gave me both an HIV and pregnancy scare, I approached the same as I just stated.

@isuppose – That was the only time I donated blood. I kick myself for not doing it back in April of 2010 the same night she did, although good thing I was there to help her home when she passed out in the parking lot 3 hours after donating. I know she shouldn’t be upset. I spoke to many people that say she maybe going overboard with this. As to me, I trust who I’m with and would never challenge them to get an HIV test after we’ve been exposed to each other. You made a pact tied by ultimately blood is how I view this. That will change from now on I guess.

@josie – Who knows bro. Like someone said, if it was that important then it would be the first thing questioned before we got involved.

@faye- I feel the same way about the drama….just trying to get my head straight right now.

@Disc2021 – I haven’t lost sight as to who I am. My cage has been rattled at a time where its the last thing I need. Application and Test scores are due October 1st. I planned for the month of august to be the time when I clean my slate for her by doing what I need; testing, appilication, etc. I ended up bombing the test and now attempting a retake but my head is clustered with this. She was in South America for the month of August mind you. I’m afraid of how the idea of love turns to hate. I learned after my frist relationship not to fall in love so quick. Yet with her, ya it took time, I went into this thick skinned. She was putting out more than I was at first since I was obsessed with excelling in school, making up for prior semesters. However, I fell for her and now into the frying pan.

@Neizvestnaya – The test result is coming back in 12 days. I’m going to do a rapid test tomorrow and a blood test later on in the day just to put her at ease sooner. As for communication, that’s an area I thought we improved before now, guess not so it will be discussed.

@Zag_grad2010 – I appreciate the honesty. She wants to be a Vet as well, but isn’t acting on the plan as I am. The whole animal hospital thing isn’t something I said to her. I see how empty that plan is however, it is something I’d love to do. Not out of being despirate but as a measure of personal success. I guess I have to make it first before I start thinking any of that. Ultimately, it ties back into your argument of appeasing a woman. I’m a Vet tech now, and yes, she tried to do the same, yet didn’t have the same luck as I had. I tried to help though.
Its tough giving her space, though I have. I’m afraid of what would result and I always found myself staring at the end of a barrel instead of a compromise when the hiatus comes to an end. You’re right in decoding my motives, but I was just going to see her to tell her myside; what’s going on with me, apologize, and I guess, wait till she gets back. I know a delivery of flowers, candy, cards etc.are the WORST way to get a girl’s mind off of a situation she’s dwelling on concerning you. Yet, I think I maybe relieved just expressing myside, feeling I atleast did something instead of sitting on my hands and twiddle my thumbs for the next 12 days or until she contacts me. Honestly, I’m not trying trying to be ignorant, blind or naive, I don’t know what’s there to think about during the “space period” other than blasting me and finding everything wrong about me. I’m going to try and heed your advice….

faye's avatar

Will you let us know what happens? And good luck with your retake- compartmentalize (word?) for test time if you can.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You could just come out and ask her if it’s the language thing, or if she’s looking for a reason to move on. As for the whole purchase-her-a-vet-clinic thing, maybe she’s feeling trapped into your vision of the future, and she’s having doubts if that’s what she wants for herself.

One thing being older (50’s) has taught me is not to make career plans to please someone else, or to expect someone to buy into your vision of what the future looks like. Parents often place that burden on their kids, and it’s not fair to expect your children to follow a career path chosen by someone else.

pathhead26's avatar

@faye and everyone else- I went by last night, (an hour and 20 minute drive). She sent me a text message on the way up about how school’s going, etc. I took the opportunity to call and pay a visit. Her disposition towards me was more “friend-like” than girlfriend until I started to tell her what I’ve been going through the past few nights (without being arrogant). She changed her act, apologizing, etc. Told me that she never considered us broken up, that she didn’t want to push me away as much as she could have. I raised the question about her needing space, if there was anything secondary to this, anyone else, any issue other than the “trust” she really feels I violated. Only thing she indicated as the problem was my persistence for us to engage in sex unprotected after she denied me several times over the course of our relationship. The fact that there was a scant possibility of her or I mainly infected with HIV or anything else is what drove her to carry on the way she did. She felt I didn’t respect nor care for her the way I did to put her at risk. I still disagree with the action but I do understand as to where she was coming from.
Overall, we’re “starting over”. I trust as to what she said was true. She now knows fully how I feel about her, that I love her, etc. I didn’t tell her about any dreams I have of us nor what I’d like to do for her (thank you so much for opening my eyes on how that can be constricting @Zag_grad2010, but my apologies for violating your suggestion. I respect your opinion none the less). She told me point blank that she can’t return the same feeling right now since her last boyfriend didn’t even consider her is girlfriend after she stuck with him for a year and a half and fell in love with him. She told him that she did and he never bent towards making something out of them. He was fresh out of a divorce and was looking for “tail” for the most part I suppose.
We’ll see what happens from here. I have my sanity for the month of September to work towards my goal now. Thank you everyone for your support, even if it was a 5 second response or a 5 minute response. You all have been very helpful proving what an elderly ex-coworker told me while I was back in high school working in a movie store; “The perfect people to talk to about your problems are strangers”. I always associated blogs with a stigma in the past. Now I see it’s a place where you can learn more about yourself when strangers evaluate both you and your questions. Thanks again guys!

@barnacleBill- No, the language wasn’t the issue and from what I see she doesn’t want to move on just yet. I never thought of how sharing a dream or career can trap someone. Now that you made me realize it, it’s best that I focus on the present instead of a future every relationship from here on out. Thank you for teaching me about myself, my lack of maturity and how my best intentions can actually be oppressive.

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