General Question

kawaii_ninja's avatar

Any tips on how to improve this poem i wrote?

Asked by kawaii_ninja (402points) March 26th, 2008

Here’s a poem i took 5 minutes to write about horses (with which i have an eternal attatchment) And i’d like to know what you think:

Sometimes I can remember your warm fuzz under my fingers.
The soft nicker and gentle snorts you make.
The soundless nuzzling we did when we met.
The musty smell of your damp fur.
But your stable seems so far away now, and I’m starting to forget.
Why can’t we be together anymore?
I thought love broke all boundaries…
But mum says we just can’t keep looking after you, and no matter how hard I beg she just won’t listen.
I wanted to be with you forever. You were my closest friend, and I could tell you anything when we were together.
I always felt so much stronger when I was with you. We faced the world bravely, ready for anything.
I want to be with you again. I want to see you run freely in your field. I want to run, too.

I promise I’ll find you again, friend.
I’ll search until my bones ache and my hands are sore.
For a bond like no other
Is a girl and her horse.

Whaddaya think? Plus i’d appreciate any tips on how i can improve my writing =]

P.S. This was posted before a while ago, but removed because the title was not specific. Sorry ^^ .

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

13 Answers

scamp's avatar

How sad. It reminds me of Black Beauty. I will let the others critique your writing style tho. I think you have promise.

Zaku's avatar

I think it’s awesome. I don’t often stop to read poetry unless it’s a major work, and I’m not fascinated by horses, but it got me emotional, so, yeah, awesome.

Oh, and yeah, writing a moving poem in five minutes means your writing connected with something inside you and it flowed out. Don’t mess with the first draft, or at least keep it.

kawaii_ninja's avatar

Ok, and thanks. Its true it just came out x]

I havnt been able to go riding (due to money shortage) for a while now. I was thinking of my fave horse x[

scamp's avatar

Since you can’t go riding, I think you should investigate doing a little more writing with your spare time. I swear I was smelling a stable when I read your first 4 lines! I love the scent of horses!! I could also feel the velvet of a horse’s nose.

cwilbur's avatar

I’d say the exact opposite: it came out in 5 minutes, it has a lot of potential, but it needs to cool off and to be revised. Poetry is the art of language; what I see here is a lot of good raw emotion that needs to be distilled if it’s going to be good poetry.

scamp's avatar

I agree that the form isn’t exactly correct, but with a little polish, it could be very good!

lifeflame's avatar

The strongest parts of the poem is when you engage my senses: “fuzz”, “nuzzling”, “musty smell.” I can feel and hear the softness in the sound of the words.

The weaker parts are the parts where you tell us your feelings straight out:
. “Why can’t we be together any more? / I thought love broke all boundaries”
. “I wanted to be with you forever. You were my closest friend”

Be wary of words like “love” and “forever” .. these are very hard to use without sounding cliched.

The trick is, you want to make us feel these things rather than tell us them. So better to be more specific and tell us about the time you ran out at night after a fight with your dad to whisper into your horse’s ear.

Here’s one of my favourite horse poems by Ted Hughes

Yesterday he was nowhere to be found
In the skies or under the skies.

Suddenly he’s here – a warm heap
Of ashes and embers, fondled by small draughts.

A star dived from outer space – flared
And burned out in the straw.
Now something is stirring in the smoulder.
We call it a foal.

Still stunned
He has no idea where he is.
His eyes, dew-dusky, explore gloomy walls and a glare doorspace.
Is this the world?
It puzzles him. It is a great numbness.

He pulls himself together, getting used to the weight of things
And to that tall horse nudging him, and to this straw.

He rests
From the first blank shock of light, the empty daze
Of the questions –
What has happened? What am I?

His ears keep on asking, gingerly.

But his legs are impatient,
Recovering from so long being nothing
They are restless with ideas, they start to try a few out,
Angling this way and that,
Feeling for leverage, learning fast-

And suddenly he’s up

And stretching – a giant hand
Strokes him from nose to heel
Perfecting his outline, as he tightens
The knot of himself.
Now he comes teetering
Over the weird earth. His nose
Downy and magnetic, draws him, incredulous,
Towards his mother. And the world is warm
And careful and gentle. Touch by touch
Everything fits him together.

Soon he’ll be almost a horse.
He only wants to be Horse,
Pretending each day more and more Horse
Till he’s perfect Horse. Then unearthly Horse
Will surge through him, weightless, a spinning of flame
Under sudden gusts.

It will coil his eyeball and his heel
In a single terror – like the awe
Between lightning and thunderclap.
And curve his neck, like a sea-monster emerging
Among foam,

And fling new moons through his stormy banner,
And the full moons and the dark moons.

kawaii_ninja's avatar

Did you write that?
And thanks for the tips! I want to write books as my career when i’m older, and i’ve written little bits that i’m saving for later, but sometimes the odd piece of poetry comes out too

lifeflame's avatar

Nope.. I wish!! It’s Ted Hughes… British Poet Laureate… he’s one of my favourite poets.

scamp's avatar

@lifeflame That was great. thanks for sharing it.

readergirl119's avatar

You are really gifted in writing. I think you should check out other poems and see what they sound like. Don’t try to copy them, just try to make us feel the same way you feel when you read a poem that you love. It could use a little more profession, but I think it really is great. I has amazing potential, like cwilbur said, but I don’t think it needs that much work.
Also, I loved your poem so much, I printed it out and hung it on my wall. How old are you? If you’re young like me, you should do more research so when you’re older, you can become a poet or an author. If you’re old enough to pursue a career, you should totally consider poetry. I also want to be a poet when I grow up so I actually wonder if you have any tips for me. Anyway, keep writing and if you do have tips for me, search “mia’s poetry” in the search box @ the top.

readergirl119's avatar

I posted something above, but actually, you should search MIa. I am the first one there.

kawaii_ninja's avatar

Hi and thanks readergirl and all above =]
I’m 13, and I indeed want to pursue a career in writing. I recently wrote another poem for an english competition at school, about an welsh legend, Ceffyl Dwr, which means ‘water horse’. I hope I win, my teacher said it’s great, so i’ll post it up if I get it back :D

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther