My mom and I are always arguing and fighting. I hate it. What can I do to stop it?

don’t argue back, it takes two (or more) to argue, if you don’t partisipate it won’t happen.

I live with a sixteen year old kid and his bitchy mom (my sister). You don’t ever win. You will spend more time fighting than it takes to do what they ask. Just STFU and get a job so you can move out when you are 18.

it’s called being a teenager and having a mom! if you see that this is triggered by your responses to her requests/demands (like her asking you to clean your room) then maybe you should try to change the way you react. pull yourself out of yourself and take a step back before responding to her in a bitchy way. tell her she’s right, and you’re sorry but not sarcastically… and go and clean your room. it will alleviate a lot of this stress.

Try to stop yourself from rudely snapping at her when she asks you to do things for starters. If you know that’s going to make her angry, why continue with the behavior? It sounds like she grounds you for being disrespectful (which isn’t unfair in my opinion). When you feel yourself getting angry, take a few minutes to calm yourself down. Then when you both are calm, you can try talking about it.

This might work for you: Count slowly to 25 in your head when asked to do something. If you still feel like discussing the request after this, try and understand what your mom needs before answering her.

Oh dear. Human brains develop in stages. During the teenage stage, your brain is doing a lot of rerouting or signals and you are learning a lot. Your memory is improving, as is your ability to notice things. You are becoming faster to react.

On the other hand, your judgment or “wisdom” center of your brain isn’t getting much attention. So you act and react fast, but without good judgment. It’s just a fact of development. Don’t worry, when you hit 40 or 50, it will be the other way around. You’ll be wise, but you won’t be able to remember anything nor will your reflexes be very good compared to now.

Unfortunately, most parents don’t know this. So they see teenagers as growing up, and they think you are therefore more able to behave as an adult. But that is very difficult for you (and any teenager) because of what is happening in your brain. Or to your brain.

For you to behave calmly and respectfully is probably one of the most difficult tasks you will ever have to undertake, and yet, your parents expect it—more and more. So you have two strikes against you in trying to get along with your parents.

It might help if your parents learned this. What parents should be doing is the opposite of what most do. We should be giving you more breaks. This stuff isn’t serious—cleaning rooms and respectful attitudes and what not. As soon as your are through being a teen, it will return, naturally. You will calm down and take more time to assess things before acting.

In some cultures, teens are sent off to live together so the parents don’t have to deal with them. But that’s not what happens here, so it’s not worth thinking about.

Anyway, I hope that understanding yourself may help you forgive yourself a bit for getting your mom mad at you. It’s a natural consequence of your growth. These fights are also a natural outcome of your mom’s expectations and your growth. It’s kind of a perfect storm, and it’s why teens get so much of a bad rap.

I have a 14 year old daughter. I don’t give her crap about little stuff, and when she is “disrespectful” to me—making fun of me and what-not, I don’t react. I know it’s not a big deal, and she doesn’t really mean it. She is a really hard worker, though. She wants to do well in school because she wants to go to a good college (something she is always bugging her little brother about), and she is far more organized than I ever was or will be—probably a result of being her mother’s daughter.

Actually, that’s not quite true. I am organized, but in a very different way. But I digress.

So. Advice.

Ideally, your parents will get educated and come to understand you better, and this will help. However, this is unlikely, so the burden will be on you, which isn’t fair, but then, life isn’t fair. I think what you are doing already—apologizing when you realize you’ve shot your mouth off—is a good thing. I think that knowing you have a predilection to react quickly and without thinking may help you try to take extra time before you react. If you can delay your reaction, you will probably be less likely to say something that ticks your mom off.

It sounds like there is more going on with your mom than dealing with you. Is she a single mom? Are there financial difficulties? Are things going badly at work? In any case, understanding the pressure she is under might help you to give her more of a break. You might also volunteer to do something helpful every once in a while in order to earn some respect back. I know you think this is unfair, and you’d rather be somewhere else with your friends, but it could help you restore things with your mom.

Well, that’s all I got. I can’t really help without knowing more, and this isn’t a psychological service, nor is it family therapy—both of which could help if things are really bad. Good luck!

All you can change is the way that you respond to her.

So, when she asks you to do something and you would normally snap back, make a supreme effort not to.

Count to ten or hum a song or something. Let some time pass before you respond to your mom.

If you respond differently, she will have to respond differently too!

slither

WHen she asks something Hestitate. Take a breath and then respond. Try to take her point of view or put yourself in her shoes. It aint her job to clean your room anymore.

I used to do this to my parents, but I learned in an argument just agree with them. Even if my mom says the sky is orange I’ll be like yes ma’am it is. Then they shut up and we go our seperate ways and in the end I get to go off and such.

Clean your room before you have to be asked. Your mom is probably already irritated that it is necessary to ask.
You can also let her know that you regret letting your anger get the best of you and you’re trying to work on that, but you’d appreciate the chance to explain sometimes.

I had similar instances when i was around the ages of 14–16.
I reflect now and have since apologized to both of my parents
for some of the pettiness I put them through.
It’s totally ok to have diffferent views than your parents,
and I’d say it’s normal to be easily frustrated during teenage years…..
especially when they tell you something like clean your room,
and you already knew you had to pick up and were intending on doing so
... for some reason certaincomment just seems so frustrating at the time..

like a couple people suggested above waht worked for me was first:
realizing the confrontation was unnecessary, and I would like to avoid them,
think before I speak,
and say what I mean with a genuine TONE.
I used to hear ” It’s not what you say it’s HOW you say it” and sometimes
an apology immediately following an argument comes off sarcastic, ingenuine or a ploy to avoid grounding.

My dad and I used to clash hardcore, mostly because we’re identical in many ways, ,,
Have a talk with her about how you would like to work on your outbursts and the two of you arguing at a time when you are not having confrontation so she can see you’re genuine!
As you get older,
it will get easier….or at least it did for me.

Hooray for u for apologizing quickly. I think thats comendable.
What I used to do is keep to myself. Yeah my room looked terrible but I would start hanging things up when it got too bad. I did feel like she nagged at me but maybe I JUST WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE.. I dont recall apologizing for yelling but now that shes gone I WISH I had.

quit talking back and say yes maam and show show respect. quit being a brat.

As a mom to 2 teenagers I can relate to both of you! We moms are far from perfect! When my kids snap at me it kind of hurts my feelings because I don’t believe I deserved that. I then can become the evil mominator. Cross me and you’re grounded. Seriously!! I try to hide my hurt feeling behind anger and show them what it feels like to be treated unfairly. We always get together later and discuss how childish we ALL behaved and let it go at that! Perhaps this is why your mom starts acting unfairly afterwards?! As my mom always told me, “think about it then speak it”.

Oh wow we are at the same stage, except that no one ever tells me to clean my room, it’s always clean and I do remind myself to do it
I argue with my mom mostly 24/7 maybe not excactly 24/7, but we fight most of the times, it’s just always about stupid things.

It shows a good level of maturity that you’ve acknowledged this problem exists and that you want to fix it. So give yourself some points for that.

YOUR POINT OF VIEW

Arguing leaves everyone stressed. You could avoid the stress and get her off your back by just biting your tongue and putting on a show of agreeing with everything your mom says. But that is not practical. You will likely develop a permanent and deep anger towards your mom. Also, you are beginning to develop your thinking ability and how to use your power of reason. These are important to develop so that you can be an independent, intelligent woman who can stand on her own, working and living in a society influenced by men’s thinking. But on your way there, it is inevitable that you will have strong convictions that will cause friction.

Remember though that your thinking is developing. You are inexperienced and youths tend to be easily swayed. Your convictions and thinking and ideas have not been tested in the world outside of high school. But your mom’s have been.

MOM’S POINT OF VIEW

No doubt you feel that you’re under attack, that she’s unfairly accusing you, nagging you. Try to use your thinking ability to understand the feelings behind your mom’s words.

She knows the responsibilities of making money, paying bills, maintaining a comfortable home, chores and errands, caring for both her children’s and husband’s needs. Historically, women usually sacrifice their own needs to fulfill these responsibilities.

Can you see how her frustration level might be high?

ASK YOURSELF:

How can I show Mom that I support her?
Have I eased the tension between us by showing my mom my support?
What can I change about myself so that mom and I don’t fight so much?

You cannot change how your mom speaks or reacts or feels. You can work to adjust and refine your own speech and reactions.

HOW TO MAKE ADJUSTMENTS

Analyze your fights. Make a list of answers these questions: What causes the most conflict between us? What irritates me the most and makes me fly off the handle? What pushes my buttons?

Analyze the nagging: What does your mom nag you about the most? Answer honestly: Does my mom have a valid case?

Analyze your nonverbal reactions: Do you roll your eyes? Do you stomp away? Do you make loud noises while doing the chore (for instance, clanging dishes, banging closed the washer and dryer, slamming doors)?

Analyze your verbal reactions: You may apologize or agree to do the chore, but is your tone sarcastic? Do sigh really loud? Do you mumble? Do you say the first thing that pops into your head?

HOW TO COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS

After analyzing your fights and reactions and writing down your thoughts about them, show your mom your results. I am certain that she will be thrilled to know that you are working to make things better between you two.

Wait for later to talk about the situation. Tension is high; trying to justify yourself right then will only add fuel to the fire.

When both of you are calm, tell your mom that you would like to explain your viewpoint or what made you upset. Begin sentences with ‘I feel’. Don’t use phrases like ‘you always’, ‘you never’. Don’t begin the sentence with ‘you’. Explain how her words or actions affected you. Something like, “We disagreed before. I’d like to tell you what I was thinking.” Tip: write down what you want to say.

Ask your mom questions so that you understand her mood, why she was frustrated or angry with you. Something like, “You seemed frustrated before. I’d really like to know why”.

Ask your mom what you could have done or said differently.

Don’t interrupt her when she speaks.
Don’t become defensive.
Listen.
Be respectful.
Be patient with yourself and your mom while you work on refining yourself.

Tip: once in a while, when you see your mom doing a chore (dishes, folding laundry, vacuuming) take over from her and tell her to take a break. If she refuses then join in. My mom and I had some great conversations folding laundry.