My computer is so freaking slow I'm seconds away from smashing it out of frustration. How can I make it run faster?

Every time I try to open firefox/chrome/explorer (I’ve tried them all), my computer basically goes “Hmmmmmm…so you want to open the internet, eh? Well…let me think about this for a little bit.” And it gives me a fucking white window and an hourglass for about 2 minutes before I can do anything.

It also does this when I click the start button (I use windows). Or open an explorer window. Basically if I decide to click on anything at all on my computer I may as well go run some fucking errands or something. It’s pathetic. My laptop is old – it’s from 2006 – and it’s seen some freaky shit in its day, but it still has a few gigs of space left and I’m not necessarily downloading virus-ridden porn on to the thing every night or anything. I imagine at this point my laptop should be running like a spry, active 60-something who does aerobics once a week; instead it’s functioning like a bed-ridden, senile 95-year old alzheimers patient.

SO WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO SLLLOWWWWWW??? And how can I make it faster? What steps do I take? I’m thinking something like this:

1) Check it for viruses with free spyware checking software.
2) ?????????
3) LAPTOP RUNS FAST AGAIN!

So seriously, just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. Please advise before I punch my laptop until it is destroyed thus cutting up my knuckles and bleeding all over the place and staining my carpet. Words can not describe how fucking angry I get when I so much as click on the Microsoft Word icon and my laptop decides to sit and chill for like 3 minutes before going “OKAY SURE ILL LET YOU USE WORD NOW” instead of just opening it the fuck up.

Yes I am furious. Yes I know nothing about computers. Yes I appreciate your advice, thank you fluther.