Social Question

Mizbhayvin's avatar

Should I be worried?

Asked by Mizbhayvin (72points) September 9th, 2010

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months now. He’s got a 4 year old daughter whom he has custody of and an 8 year old son whom he has joint custody of. I have two kids, my girl is 7 and my son will be 6 in a few weeks.

I just found out recently that about 5 months ago, my boyfriends 8 year old son exposed himself to my two children and his sister, and then insisted that my 5 year old son kiss his privates and “lick his ass”. When my son refused, the 8 year old boy tried forcing my son to do it by shoving his head down.

I did not know about this mind you till just recently.

We went camping twice last month. Our second time out my children when alone with me told me that the 8 year old boy pulled down his pants and again wanted my 5 year old son to kiss his privates. Then he asked my daughter to pull her pants down. She refused, as did my son, but aparently his 4 year old sister pulled her pants down. While they were supposed to be going to sleep in the tent.

My daughter also told me that the 8 year old boy went into the bathroom with her while we were camping and peeked in the stall at her while she was going and also pushed the door open while my son was going to the bathroom.

I told my boyfriend about the camping incident right after my kids told me. He took his son aside and had a private talk with him. His son denied everything. We then talked to them altogether and made sure they knew what privates meant and that it was theirs and theirs alone.

This boy still denied it. Which upsets me greatly. Since then after a few conversations just between my kids and I, I have told them that if anything inappropriate goes on with this kid or anyone else to tell me.

I am worried. I have talked to my boyfriend about it, and he has asked the boys mother if anything is going on at home with her or her boyfriend. She says no. My boyfriend has left it at that, and a few intense conversations with his son.

Honestly it worries me having this boy around my children. I am not sure if I should consider him a potential predator or not.

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49 Answers

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

It would definitely worry me. Honestly, I have no idea what you should do.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I wouldn’t trust the kid around my kids. Usually when kids act that way it means its happenedd to them, so they don’t see it as they’re doing something wrong.

Trillian's avatar

This islearned behaviour. Not only is that boy seeing things he should ot, he is probably bing sexually molested by someone. He is exhibiting classic abuse behaviour. He’s turning the tables and is victimzer rather than victim. You may want to think about callng CPS.

JilltheTooth's avatar

That is grossly inappropriate behavior for an 8 year old. His father and mother need to talk to the school counselor or the teacher to see if there has been any indication of “acting out” before, or perhaps a private counselor. This needs to be addressed ASAP. In the meantime, I would never leave my kids unsupervised with this boy.

Disc2021's avatar

Well of course he denied it, why would he admit it?

Not only your children but others are being harmed. You are fully justified in taking action about this – I wouldn’t leave your children around him and if under any circumstances you do, they’d be under my supervision or I’d ‘check-in’ quite often.

@JilltheTooth @Trillian Fully agreed, I’d talk to the school counselor or call a higher authority if the talks from Daddy don’t seem to be accomplishing much.

mamalis's avatar

You’ve got trouble, sister. Somebody is lying, plain and simple. YES you should be worried. YES you should consider him a “predator” because YES >> someone in the ‘bunch’ is currently a PREDATOR to HIM!! At eight years old, its not uncommon for kids to still be ‘naked’ without necessarily being self-conscious. BECAUSE they still view their genitals as benign extensions of themselves – 100% innocent. In fact, they have NO IDEA about the “sexual nature” of their parts! What this kid has done >> WAY over the top! Someone has and is currently violating him and there is NO WAY around it. Someone is lying and you need to protect your kids… and yourself. Sorry.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

I agree with @JilltheTooth and @Trillian

One of my little cousins got molested by a 7 year old. Anything could happen.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

This is bad business, my friend – your boyfriend isn’t doing enough, in my opinion. Do you consider his children to be your children…how close are you, as a family? I wouldn’t want to go about this with the whole ‘mine vs. his’ mentality but if you feel some of your children are in danger, this is an emergency situation – it would freak the hell out of me, that’s for sure and I would not let them be alone with the 8 year old boy ever again – he shouldn’t have gotten the second chance to be alone with them to begin with. My conversation would go beyond privates – I would be very serious in mentioning that NOBODY is allowed to touch or ask to touch anyone because privacy and each person’s body should be respected and I would seriously have a talk with that boy’s bio-mom.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

forgive me, I am not sure how to make more comments on my question or refer to anyone’s comments.

I just wanted to say that I did not know about the first time the boy did this till after we’d gone camping and I’d sat my children down to have a talk with them.

Regarding the camping incident, we did have just that conversation you mentioned Simone De Beauvoir.

Since then, my children have stated that this boy has not tried anything.

KhiaKarma's avatar

Keep them separated and call this number They can give you more specialized advise and can set you up with local services if necessary. Also, document the incidents and your efforts to keep your kids safe in a calendar or journal.

chyna's avatar

It’s also very disturbing how willingly his 4 year old daughter pulled her pants down for her brother, as if she is used to doing so. I have no advice for you other than to talk to the school counselor as others have said. How do you feel about the ex wife’s boyfriend? Does he seem like a predator or is he in any way distrustful?

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

By the way, welcome to Fluther.

mamalis's avatar

My dear, @Mizbhayvin, I actually became physically upset thinking about your situation and had to come back to your question. As another Mother, I feel very badly for you. I also agree with the many strong women that have responded here. Unfortunately, I cannot emphasize enough the severity of this situation and the fact that someone in this circle, is lying. I know that you have been in-love now 9 months, but this is serious enough that you must look at your boyfriend, too. You are a Mother, first. Your #1 job is to protect your children! It’s easy to ‘fall’ into situations in life and soon wonder how we got there. So be cautious now. You’ve gotten good advice from people here. Additionally I just add: eyes wide open.

Trillian's avatar

@chyna The 4 year old is more than likely being abused too. Her immediate compliance speaks volumes. I hope this OP takes steps to save these kids. They have a right to be rescued.

chyna's avatar

@Trillian Yes, that was my thought too.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

In such a case, perhaps you should even consider breaking up with your boyfriend no matter how hard it may be for you. You cannot get away fast enough!

mamalis's avatar

We think alike, @ZEPHYRA!

WestRiverrat's avatar

Definately call in CPS. Someone is apparently misusing those children. I also concur that you should get out of the relationship with your boyfriend, at least until the situation with his children is resolved.

chyna's avatar

It might be a good idea to stop seeing your boyfriend until this gets straightened up. He should understand your childrens safety is more important to you than anything else. If he doesn’t, he is not for you.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

I have also begun to wonder who it might be. The man that his mother is dating is a scumbag. From what I have heard, and again it’s only heresay (sp?) from my boyfriend. The guy was super nice to the 8 year old 3 years ago when they started dating. But after a period of time he stopped being nice and started being mean and nasty. He is also abusive to his mother from what I have heard. He’s punched holes in walls and has one time or another hit her. They also fight quite a bit.

One point my sister brought up was the fact that he might not have been abused, he may have witnessed a sexual act or somesuch. I do know that he is allowed to watch such shows as, The Family Guy, and Hell’s Kitchen. Those are definitely NOT childrens shows…so maybe he has been exposed to sexual scenes? IDK though if that would bring about this type of behavoir.

Seaminglysew's avatar

You do have a problem on your hands. I’m sure that I don’t need to tell you this, but your children need you to protect them from this child. Stay away from him even if it causes a problem between you and your boyfriend. He is the one that should be making the phone calls and getting his child some help. His failure to see an issue should also send up red flags. I agree that you should call CPS or in Canada it’s called Children’s Services. We also have free counseling for children who have been exposed to this sort of thing, you may consider this option if it has left a mark on your kids that they can’t let go of. I work for the school board and if a student ever told me of something like this, I would have to report it immediately to the authorities.
I feel for you, but trust that you will do what is right for your children. I wish you the strength to get through this and keep you and your children safe.

loser's avatar

I think you need to get your kids away someplace where they will be safe and get them some counseling ASAP.

janbb's avatar

I would suggest that you talk more to your boyfriend about your concerns and if he does not see the seriousness in the situation, consider either breaking up with him or not letting the children be together. It does not seem like your children have been harmed as yet and they are open with you, so if you protect them from further exposure to this boy, I think they will be o.k. Your boyfriend has to find out what is happening with his children and get them the help they need. If he is unwilling to, that may be a red flag for you. I’m sorry that you are in this tough situation.

wundayatta's avatar

Are you living together, or do you still have separate households? I couldn’t tell from your description.

This is such a complicated thing. Yes, your priority is your own children, but it also seems like you care for your bf’s child, and someone needs to watch over him if his parents aren’t. That’s why people suggest the public children’s agency.

When you do that, though, you are probably killing your relationship with your bf, anyway. It will put a great strain on his relationship with his ex. It also sounds like she is in trouble with her current bf.

So there are a lot of problems to work on; a lot of different people to care about. A lot of times people will wait and wait in hopes that the problem will go away on its own. It almost never goes away of its own accord.

So will you be able to help your bf’s son and still trust him? Do you want to build a family with a boy who is dealing with esteem issues? It’s a lot to get into, even if things work out now. I think you might need to have a bit of the saint about you to do that, or you have to love your bf so much, it really isn’t healthy. I mean, how can you love someone who isn’t 100% on the case when it comes to his child?

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I found out last year that my youngest brother had been molested as a child by an older child. It was the son of one of my mother’s closest friends. My mother would visit the house, take my little brother and tell him to go play with this boy. My brother was about 5, this “boy” was 10. My brother said it happened so many times, he lost count. This was in a very comfortable upper middle class neighborhood. The boy’s mother was a school principal. We are adults now, my brother has three children. I was completely and utterly devastated by this news because my brother and I are close. I just felt that had I known, perhaps I could have protected him.

You have been given a huge RED flag. Please do not think this boy will change. There has been some damage done to this boy to do it to another person. But more than that, your children are in danger. Even the fact that they have already been exposed to this heinous behavior…they already have been affected.

I don’t know what you will do….but I know what I would do….I would break the relationship off completely with this man. I could not, in good faith, spend the next twenty years wondering if something was going on at home while I was out for dinner and having to leave my children with his.

I am deeply sorry for what happened…but you need to take care of your children first.

Once again, I know what I would do and I am not saying that you should do this but…no man would be more important than the welfare of my children. He may be a good guy, but he cannot be there 24–7 to monitor his child. Is he (dad) to blame? Probably not. But I still would not be comfortable.

I honestly thought a lot before giving this answer. I know you love him. I did not mean to offend. I really feel for what you are going through. I just know that I would not be able to trust him or the situation.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

I do love him, but I love my children more. And you are right DarlingRhadamanthus…I have thought of the fact that I would be wondering what was going on while I wasn’t with my children and this boy was. I don’t quite know how to break it off. I don’t know what to say really.

When I try and bring it up with my boyfriend, he makes excuses..or what I feel are excuses. He says that it might be just that his son thinks it’s funny. But you know what, I don’t agree with that. The first thing that came to my mind other then being upset when I first heard this news was someone is doing, or has done this to this boy. My boyfriend says he asked his son about this, and he said his son denied anyone has ever hurt him.

I’ve also gone to the side that maybe it’s my boyfriend that’s hurting his son. It took me a while to get to that point, because I didn’t want to think that. Can you ever really know someone? He hasn’t exibited signs…and he’s always right on top of things when his son has done something wrong.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@Mizbhayvin Trust your instincts! You know this is wrong.

BarnacleBill's avatar

It’s entirely possible that something is going on with his kids that involves a cousin, neighbor kid, or other extended family member. You should never, ever, ever trust your children to be alone with the boy.

If it were me, I would rethink the relationship. Boyfriends are replaceable. The fragility of your children is not.

Trillian's avatar

“He says that it might be just that his son thinks it’s funny.” This is a good reason not to give a flying fuck what he thinks and call in the professonals. These kids of his are in immediate danger. Forget the relationship, save those kids. You may be their only hope. You are in a position to save two children from all the present horror of sexual molestation, and the future pain of dysfunctionality.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@Trillian and @BarnacleBill….I agree.

@Mizbhayvin…I am glad that you asked yourself the hardest question of all….“What if…it’s him?” That took a lot of courage. You may never know the full truth of the situation and that presents a great difficulty. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you.

I want you to know that all of us here….are concerned (you can see by our answers.) And we truly care. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you find the answers you need…they are already in your heart.


Mizbhayvin's avatar

Yes, you are right. The answers are already there for me. But honestly I don’t know how to do it. Does that make sense? I know that I can’t live a life with this man, knowing that his child might be hurting mine. I can’t be certain that my children will always tell me when something has happened. And I can’t spend my life worrying if it’s going on, and I don’t know about it. And I know that I can’t let it happen to my children while I turn my head the other way and live out my life.

Thank you all for your answers and advice. I do greatly appreciate it.

Trillian's avatar

@Mizbhayvin That’s just great. Your kids are safe. What about his kids? Who is going to save them? It seems like you are the only one in a position to advocate for them. A simple phone call to CPS can set the wheels in motion that will get those kids into a safe place and some therapy and counseling to try to alleviate the damage that has already been done. I beg you, don’t abandon these children to their fate. Help them. Please.

WestRiverrat's avatar

@Trillian I think the first thing is to get the kids she has custody of (her own) out of harms way first. Second she has to protect herself for her kids. Then she can call the authorities and get help for the other two.

If she calls first and then leaves, or leaves with his kids too, she is opening herself up to potential problems.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You could talk to your pediatrician about it, or the counselor at school. They might have some insights as to the best direction to take. With school, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to let them know, in case your son or daughter says something about it to another child, and you end up having to explain it after the fact. Much better to tell school that something happened before the fact.

Trillian's avatar

@WestRiverrat I said nothing about taking his kids. She needs to stay within the bounds of the law. I just asked her to take action. Call CPS. Don’t leave and forget about them. They are in danger and apparently no one knows or cares but her. I don’t know wht the living arrangements are. But to worry that the 8 year old boy is a predator is overlooking the fact the he is a victm. God in heaven, save this boy and his precious little sister from repeating the cycle into which they have been thrown.

WestRiverrat's avatar

@Trillian thank you for clarifiying your earlier post.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

Just to clarify, we don’t live together. And he lives about an hour away from us.

janbb's avatar

It souns like you are questioning the relationship with this man and I think that it is a very healthy reaction.

perspicacious's avatar

Take your kids and move. When they are grown you get to have the single life; for now you are an unmarried mother.

janbb's avatar

@perspicacious She’s not living with him; he’s an hour away.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I hope, if you feel that you can….come back and share with us…when this is all resolved.

I am so glad to hear that you are not living with him as that will make all of this easier (I hope, anyway)...not that it’s not going to be painful, I know.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

Tonight I tried talking to my boyfriend about getting his son into counseling. My kids see one now and then because my ex husband was an emotional, mental and physical abuser.

Tried saying that my kids see one, and it helps them. So why can’t his son see one as well? He’s a very angry, mixed up kid. I can see that.

My boyfriend got upset, said he’s very protective of his son because all his life people have treated him badly.

I don’t understand why he’s so opposed to me talking about his son and suggesting things that might help him.

What is going on here? Am I not seeing the big picture?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I think you are seeing the big picture for the most part. What concerns me after reading through this thread is why it isn’t being addressed. If your boyfriend has full custody of his daughter who complies with his son’s wishes wishes when they are together, then that is a red flag. If he brushes the situation off, then it seems like it is time for intervention.

Please do as others have suggested and contact the CPS and tell them what you know in the most objective way as possible. Be very thankful that you have created a relationship with your own children that they feel comfortable telling you what is happening.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

I just don’t understand why ANYONE in their right mind wouldn’t want to help their child.

The kid is suffering, and has only gotten worse since I’ve known him. When I try speaking about this to my boyfriend he storms off (mind you it was on the internet) and refuses to speak about it.

I’m beginning to get the feeling there are things about him that I don’t know about.

Am I wrong?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I don’t think we can answer that for you. Just do what is best for all four children. Contact CPS since your boyfriend doesn’t seem willing to step up to the plate.

Trillian's avatar

“I’m beginning to get the feeling there are things about him that I don’t know about.

Am I wrong?”
You are focused on the wrong issue. We have already established that the father is a possible cause of the problem. That is a probable reason why he does not want the kids to get help. So stop thinking about him and trying to figure out what is in his head. Please. Get help for those kids. You said it yourself, the kid is suffering. you have the power to act and alleviate it. Stop delaying. Take action. CALL CPS!

KhiaKarma's avatar

If you are hesitant to call CPS yourself, call the number I listed above and they can call for you. They can also help plug you in to local support.

Mizbhayvin's avatar

Ok…I’m not trying to focus on him…just trying to get the courage up to break it off with him. IDK how to do that…I know the words I want to say, and why I want and need to say it but I just can’t make myself say the words.

He texted me and told me I needed to back off his son.

How a father can’t find help for his son, just boggles my mind.

Can’t I just disappear into the abyss called life and never speak to him again?

Going to call and get those kids help.

chyna's avatar

Good luck to you. Let us know how it turns out if you can and want to.

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