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le_inferno's avatar

How do I stay motivated when I miss my boyfriend so much?

Asked by le_inferno (6189points) September 11th, 2010

My boyfriend has been away for a little over 2 months, and won’t be home for another 2 months. I thought being at school would help me be distracted and I’d throw myself into my studies to keep my mind off things…. what I didn’t realize was that because I miss him so much, I don’t have any will to do anything constructive. I am extremely lonely and it’s getting terribly hard. What can I do to get out of this funk?

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15 Answers

Seaofclouds's avatar

Do you get to talk to your boyfriend at all while you are apart? One of the things I look forward to the most is getting to talk to my husband on webcam. It gives me enough incentive to make sure I have everything else done that I need to do so that I can focus on him when he is online.

Another thing that might help is to write down the nice things he has said and done for you in the past on little strips of paper. Put them in a bowl or something and every time you miss him, take one out, read it, and put it back. Sometimes just remembering those things can give enough of a lift to keep going.

Worst case scenario, start being firm with yourself. Remind yourself that you need to get this work done so that when he gets back, you’ll be able to focus on spending time with him instead of trying to get caught up on school work. The more work you get done while he is gone, the less you may have to do once he gets there (especially if you can work ahead).

Also, just try to remind yourself that you are over half way there! You’re on the down hill and you’ll be seeing each other very soon. Keep hanging in there. These next two months will be over before you know it!

le_inferno's avatar

@Seaofclouds Yes, we do Skype, but I think it’s just been worse lately because he’s been on spring break and vacationing for the past couple of weeks and we’ve barely had the chance to talk. Over the summer, we got to Skype for at least a little while every day. I also worked at a day camp which distracted me, wore me out, kept me busy. Combined with talking to him every evening, things weren’t too bad. But now, at school, I’m spending a lot of time alone. I don’t have the kids or my family to serve as constant distractions.

But yeah, I definitely do reflect on our moments together. I always replay things, remember sweet things he’s said/done. It’s bittersweet though, cause it makes me smile, but then I long for him more. Sigh.
I know that I’ll get things done. I just don’t want to have to drag myself to. But you’re right that I’m at the halfway point, and I’m excited about that. Thank you for the advice :)

BarnacleBill's avatar

Time is relative. Two months is nothing. In two months, the garbage man will come 8 times. If you get paid every other week, you will get 4 pay checks. In two month, you will get your hair cut twice. You will probably buy 1 new pair of shoes.

Throw yourself into learning something new. Take a dance class, like belly dancing, so that you will have something to show off when you see him again.

jrpowell's avatar

Isn’t this a bit needy? Your dude is gone for a few months and you shut down? You don’t need a hobby, you need a psychiatrist.

What do you when you break-up? Latch onto the next guy that shows you any attention?

And I know this is dickish. I’m just baffled at how you can survive if you shut-down or if you can’t survive without constant affection.

But I guess this explains a lot.

ducky_dnl's avatar

That’s not a very long time, imo. Do you have friends to hang out with? @johnpowell is kind of right. That seems a bit needy. I know you miss him and all, but two months is really nothing. Are you missing him physically? They have things called “toys” for that kind of loneliness. Also, have you thought that perhaps you could be a bit clingy?

Seaofclouds's avatar

Wow, I’m glad I wasn’t here when my husband first left, you guys are being a bit harsh in my opinion. It’s not just about the time that has passed so far, it’s about the time that’s still left to go. When you are use to seeing someone everyday, it can be hard to adjust to them being gone, even if it is only temporary. The first month my husband was gone, it took a lot of will power just for me to get up and get my son to school in the mornings, let alone drag myself to work. It had nothing to do with not having friends, hobbies, or things to do. It was completely just about missing him, worrying about him, and knowing that I wasn’t going to see him again for a long time.

Yes, two months is a pretty short amount of time, especially looking back, but looking forward it can seem like it will take forever. @le_inferno You just changed from what you were doing during the summer months to what you are doing now. You just have to get into a groove with your new schedule. If you don’t have a lot of friends at school, definitely try to get involves. Perhaps a study group would be helpful. Try to get yourself on a set schedule. If you need something to help wear you out before bed, maybe you could find a gym to start going to or get into an exercise routine to help burn the extra energy.

free_fallin's avatar

Hurry up, yo

jrpowell's avatar

“take long to write your answer, maybe your boyfriend will be back by then”

le_inferno's avatar

I appreciate the speculation, but I left my computer mid-craft. hah. Didn’t realize I had an audience.

@johnpowell @ducky_dnl

Your responses explain a lot too, like why you’re still alone.

I’m not “needy” and I have not “shut-down.” There are just times when it’s hard to focus while my boyfriend is on the opposite side of the world, and we haven’t gotten the chance to talk in weeks. When we break up, that will be a completely different story and I don’t see how it’s relevant to this issue. I’ve dealt with pain, loss, and heartbreak before. It’s not that I miss “constant affection.” I miss him. I don’t understand how that’s “baffling.” Have either of you ever been in a relationship where you had to be away from your gf/bf for 4 and a half months? Because I’m betting not. Fuck, have either of you ever been in love? Have either of you even been in a serious relationship? Because it sure as hell doesn’t sound like it.

Here’s the deal. I spent 18 years of my life being alone. It’s not something I’m a stranger to; it’s not something I can’t handle. I’ve handled my boyfriend being away for 2 months now. Approaching the half-way mark, in a new setting, I’m starting to feel the distance more. I don’t understand how that makes me clingy or unstable. I also find it funny that you are trivializing my relationship to physical pleasure. Grow up, @ducky_dnl, your lack of relationship experience is glaringly obvious.

Now you two can either continue to make unhelpful, stupid remarks about my mental health and belittle my situation, or you can answer the fucking question and offer practical advice. Thank you kindly.

augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Flame off, folks.

le_inferno's avatar

@Seaofclouds Thanks so much for your support and your suggestions, they were very helpful.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

I am neutral in this little debate, so I shall call upon the facts.

le_inferno, you claim the others lack experience, while you say you have spent 18 years of your life alone. You are 19, no? Surely we can’t conflate your infant/toddler days with your dating years? Assuming you started dating around 15 or 16 – this means your relationship is a new endeavor for you. You may be relying too heavily on this relationship to be what keeps you afloat each day. You say that missing him this way, doesn’t make you, ‘unstable.’ Yet you have clearly stated that you “don’t have any will to do anything constructive.” That sounds slightly unstable to me. A lot of textbooks will say that if something disrupts/interferes with your daily life & prevents you from achieving routine tasks, it has become a severe problem (like addictions to drugs/alcohol).

I think you need to step back & stop looking at this relationship through a microscope & take a look at your life & how this relationship has effected you, both in a positive & in a negative way. (Yes – there are negatives, EVERY relationship has them – even the best ones)

Instead of asking us to help you ‘get by’ feeling this way until the boyfriend shows up (which will only be a temporary solution…what if he leaves again? Will you call upon us once more?) Look at the reasons why you feel this way. Being alone, doesn’t mean you need to be lonely. It helps to know who you are as a person when single. To only know yourself as one half of a couple can be damaging to your self esteem. For, if that person leaves, you’re left feeling like only half a person who can’t function on their own. You are basically single right now, so you need to find out what it is that le_inferno enjoys doing by herself. Find out what you CAN do when you are alone. Discover something new about yourself. You have 2 more months of self discovery, enjoy it!

le_inferno's avatar

@rpmpseudonym But that was my point. I haven’t had a boyfriend for 18 years (Okay, minus toddler years?). I know what it’s like to be single and that’s not what bothers me. I am totally content with myself as an individual and spending time on my own. That’s who I am, actually. That’s what I know. I have always seen myself as my best friend. I absolutely do not view myself as “half” a person and my boyfriend as my other “half.” In fact, I abhor that way of thinking.

I am not unstable, because my life is not disrupted. Me missing my boyfriend doesn’t “prevent” anything. I still do all my work. I get things done, and well. It just is harder to feel motivated.

You are all missing the point. This is not a reflection of me or my psychology. It is a reflection of the simple reality that someone I deeply care about is removed from my life for an extended period of time, and it occasionally makes me upset.

However, I do really appreciate your neutral point of view and for offering your take on things. Thank you for that.

rpm_pseud0name's avatar

I’m afraid there is no immediate cure for love lost. I had a friend I loved dearly who was killed in a car accident in our senior year of high school. Your boyfriend will be back in 2 months. My friend is never coming back. We just have to deal with it the best way we can. No book or movie or silly pastime adventure will make us forget about a love that was removed. Time will continue to pass, we must go on. To concentrate so heavily on the time of absence will only drag you further into this gutter of loneliness. Suck it up, wear a smile & let the hours & days go by without acknowledgment or care. Before you know it – they are back. As for a love that never returns, that is simply a wound of the heart that just wont heal.

le_inferno's avatar

Hmm, that made me feel shitty and a little better at the same time, so thanks I guess! Sorry about your friend. That’s terrible.

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