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ladyv900's avatar

Do you think he was looking at me the wrong way or am I overreacting?

Asked by ladyv900 (713points) September 14th, 2010

Today I got picked up from my classes and got dropped off at home by my mother and her boyfriend.He asked me if I had any diapers on and I’m like “Um,no”.Then my mother says,“You getting a butt, and that’s good”.But I’m wondering to myself,why is he looking anywhere there and also I didn’t have on a tight,tight jeans,it was a little bit ruffled like but just a bit tight too.Should I tell her how I feel? I don’t want her to get mad at me because everytime I say something about him, she says I’m just complaining or being rude when sometimes he bitches to her when I tell him “what you looking at stop it!”

And also I never told anyone this but about 2 years ago me and him was just watching television and all I said that my back is aching and he offered to rub my shoulders but then he told me to lay my head on a pillow on his lap,he used some moisturizer and then rubbed my whole back under my wife beater and this was when my mother wasn’t home.I didn’t say anything and I was afraid what would happen.He seems like a nice person but sometimes I think he gets to friendly to the point somwtimes giving me wierd look and one time tried dancing with me(not in sexual manner though).I’m 18 now and I really feel like moving out but I know my mom won’t let me go on my own.

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25 Answers

BoBo1946's avatar

excuse me for being naive, but what does under my wife beater mean?

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Are you asking if we think his behavior is inappropriate? Absolutely I do. When it comes to things like this, I always go with my gut. If you are getting an uncomfortable vibe there is probably a reason for it.
Is he a professional masseuse that he is giving you a bare skin massage?

@BoBo1946 A “wifebeater” is a style of tank top, basically he had his hands under her shirt.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yes, he was and your mom’s wrong as well to be so blind, willingly.

ladyv900's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie No ,he’s not a professional masseuse.

BoBo1946's avatar

Thank you Nef…

Oh my gosh, that is way off limits. Is there someone that is a close family member other than your mom that you can talk to about this? If not, talk to one of your teachers at school.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@ladyv900 I don’t think that his behavior is appropriate. You have every reason, from what you’ve described, to be uncomfortable. And @Simone_De_Beauvoir is right that your mother is wrong as well, for not listening to your concerns. I think you should find someone that you can talk to about this, there seems to be potential for this man to be in your life long term if things work out between him and your mother, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you always need to be on guard as a result.

wundayatta's avatar

Wow. I think this is a close one. My natural instinct is to say that your feelings are right. However, I think that he may be able to keep it under control. If he’s wise, he’ll keep his hands to himself because you are 18, and you know what’s right and wrong.

It’ll end up being a kind of toxic atmosphere for you. He’ll be making comments which are unpleasant. If I were willing to take the shit, I’d tell my mom everything that happens, no matter how she reacts, and I call him on that shit every time I felt it. I’d tell him how it makes me feel and ask him to stop it. Over and over. Not in an aggressive or defensive way. Just in a knowing you are right way.

ladyv900's avatar

Also, she was in a very bad,stressful relationship with my father(she used to cry a lot) and she’s a little screwed in the head when it comes to having a guy come into her life and she wants to be “loved” like a weakness.She gives me everything I need, speak up for me when I used to get jumped and bullied a lot in school,etc, but still.Sometimes I wish I was a different gender,sometimes I dress like a boy(to make me feel better), and sometimes I brag about being with other girls and my mom hates tthat fearing that I will become a lesbian.

BoBo1946's avatar

@ladyv900 wow…you are to be commended ! Hopefully, this situation will work itself out. Meanwhile, don’t ever allow yourself to be alone with him.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

You are definitely not overreacting. And like someone else already said, never be alone with him. Do not put up with any physical contact you are uncomfortable with – even if it’s just a hug.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Save your money and get the heck out of there! You’re 18, so your mom can’t tell you that you can’t move out. Legally, you are an adult, which is another reason to get the heck out of there ASAP! If he touches you again, it’s just a sexual assault now if you called the cops, instead of something more serious, which it is for adults touching underage girls. You’re no longer underage. Stay away from him, and don’t be alone with him ever, as far as you can help it until you can move out.

I wish you had been able to tell your mom about the “massage” business at 16. It’ll be hard to bring that up now, given the current circumstances. Plus, it’s creepy for parents to make remarks about your body like your mom did.

amazingme's avatar

I think you should tell your mom. His actions are totally inappropriate. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is not okay.
I’ve had an experience similar to this before. When I finally told someone what was happening I felt absolutely relieved. I was freaked out that who I was telling the truth to would find me to blame for. But they didn’t and the person is absolutely out of our lives now.
In the meantime, like mentioned above, don’t be alone with this guy.

BoBo1946's avatar

@aprilsimnel you would be correct, meanwhile, she should organize her day to avoid being alone with the jerk.

snowberry's avatar

And another thing, you might want to start a journal of what’s going on (make sure he NEVER sees it)! Document every time he does anything inappropriate, what you said, and the result. If things get worse, you can show it to a judge. He sounds like a bad match for your mom too, considering that he’s dating her and making the moves on you. If he’ll do that to you, he’ll do it to others, and he’ll not be faithful in marriage.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

He sounds like a total pervert. I’m agreeing with the majority of what everyone else is saying. I would stay away from the creep and I think you should tell your mom or talk to another trustworthy adult about it.

chyna's avatar

It sounds like the mom will just take up for the boyfriend. She won’t want to lose him, especially now that her daughter is of age to leave. She might even get mad enough at you to kick you out for making what she will consider “false accusations” against her boyfriend. Try to save money to get out of that house.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You are not over reacting. The guy is putting out signals that he wants in your pants.

However, you are awfully naive. This man is not your father or even a male relative. Given your questions about butt and breast augmentation pills, make sure that you’re not putting out signals that you are advertising something that you aren’t selling. Two years ago, you were 16. That’s old enough to know that you don’t put your head in a man’s lap and let him stick his hand under your shirt.

ladyv900's avatar

@BarnacleBill That question I asked about breast and butt enhancement pills was not meant for me that I actually wanted to use them, I was just asking and curious about it since I see aa lot of the celebrities always talking about in the media.And to comment on your last sentence, you don’t know what I was going through and you’re not in my shoes sorry to sound harsh back.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@BarnacleBill I can’t help but wonder, even if that were the case, isn’t a woman (or anyone for that matter) entitled to feel good about their body and do what it takes to feel good about their physical self? I don’t care if there is a 16 year old girl walking butt naked around the house, that doesn’t give the adult man in the household any right to assume he can approach her sexually. That’s why there are laws for just this sort of thing.

@ladyv900 I really believe that the most important thing for you to do is find someone that you trust that you can talk to. Preferably someone that does not live in the home with you. Aside from the question about your mother’s boyfriend, I’m getting the feeling there is a lot more going on here than what you’ve spelled out. There is strength in numbers, definitely find someone that you can lean on and confide in.

ladyv900's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie Thank you for understanding nor judging me as a dumb person.

chyna's avatar

@ladyv900 No one here thinks you are dumb.

flo's avatar

So, you believe he couldn’t have cheated on your mom already? bad enough he is looking in your bum’s direction, he comments on it, and in your mom’s presence.

Weird looks that tell you something is wrong. He needs to be told ”“what you looking at stop it!”

”...then he told me to lay my head on a pillow on his lap, he used some moisturizer and then rubbed my whole back under my wife beater and this was when my mother wasn’t home.”

If he was really a nice man he would have refused to give you a massage even if YOU asked him. You and your mom might be fooling yourselves. Maybe he is looking for a reason to get out of this relashinship? Maybe instead of him dropping your mom he wants her to drop him.
In any case this doesn’t sound good. You need to trust your insticts more.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

This man is behaving very inappropriately and frankly, seems like a bit of a creep. Please go talk to someone. Someone you can trust.

And above all, steer clear of him. Don’t put yourself in any more compromising positions——meaning, don’t be alone with him if at all possible. Your mother probably will not leave him. Find a way to get out of the house…do you have a relative that you can stay with?

Please take good care of yourself…and none of us think you are “stupid/dumb”. We all feel that you are in a very difficult situation.

Pandora's avatar

I say go away to college. The guy is creepy and it sounds like you may have a hard time getting your mom to see that. In her eyes you guys are a family so she finds comments like that innocent. Unfortuneately waiting 2 years to tell her about his unappropiate behavior will probably seem like you are rebelling because you don’t like him.
I’m not sure you can win this battle so, go to college. Get an education that will help you to move away and stay away from this creep. And try to never be alone with him. Put a lock on your bedroom door till you can leave. Maybe you can stay with a relative who you feel will listen to you.
Best of luck.

flo's avatar

He has given you the info as to who he is. By the way does he say “have a sense of humor” “Can’t you take a joke?” kind of thing?

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