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Roughdraft76's avatar

How long should I put up with my girlfriend and her alcohol relapses?

Asked by Roughdraft76 (219points) September 17th, 2010

I have been in a relationship with my gf for 5 years. While at first she had always been a “weekend drinker”, it eventually over the past 5 months has progressed to being a “closet drinker”. I wake up to her at 2 or 3 am sometimes literally hiding in the closet with her 5th of Vodka. She has hiding places all around our home. She has been in rehab 4 times within the past five months but always relapses after 3–4 days. She has lost her job and I have taken care of our 3 kids and all of our bills. Her family has given up on her and she will lose everything if I choose to do the same. I love her and she says she wants her life back but she keeps messing up. She was arrested tonight for domestic violence for freaking out and hitting me as she fought for her car keys. She was drunk and called the police and said that I hit her which was untrue. They knew she was lying because they have dealt with her before. How much more should I take?

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23 Answers

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

Honestly, I don’t think you are doing anyone any good by staying. That means you and your children. If the children are all biologically yours, I would file for custody, and leave. You have a good chance if she has a record and a history of addiction. Staying is not going to make her get better.. she really has to do that on her own. Best of luck to you.

kenmc's avatar

Give up and get your fucking kids away from her until she’s clean.

Roughdraft76's avatar

I know that I need to go…just so damn hard to believe that she has chosen Vodka over us.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@Roughdraft76 She hasn’t really. It’s sad that she got to that point, but now it controls her. Until she realizes that, you and your kids will be better off in a different environment. My father was an alcoholic, and I can tell you from firsthand experience, you don’t want your kids to have some of the same memories I do.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

I will second what @DrasticDreamer is saying. As the child of an alcoholic parent… there is no better option than to remove them from that situation, hard as that may be. Addiction is a powerful force. It can make even the most wonderful people do really lousy things.

augustlan's avatar

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. If it was just you, I’d say you could stay as long as you can bear it, but it’s not. Get those kids and go.

krose1223's avatar

Amen to what they ^^ said. You don’t want your kids seeing all that… They will never forget it, and it might damage their relationship with both you and their mother. Get out and stay away until she gets help. You can still help her, but at a safe distance and not putting yourself or your kids in harms way. Best of luck to ya, don’t give up and give in. You have to be strong for your kiddos.

Frenchfry's avatar

It’s time for you to leave. Pack up the kids and go . She will only bring you down with her if you stay.

Jeruba's avatar

Do what the others say. Tough as it is, it’s the right thing. She hasn’t chosen vodka over you. She has lost her power of choice. She can’t control it any more, and you are standing in the way of her learning what she needs to learn before she can take the necessary steps.

I think you knew the answer before you asked, or you wouldn’t have asked.

And start going to Al-Anon meetings. I mean it.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

You should make her go in a 6 month program. I know it seems like a long time. But, my fiance is in a 6 month alcohol rehabilitation program and he’s doing waaay better being in there then the shorter 28 day one.

Roughdraft76's avatar

Thank you for all of your great advice. I now know what needs to be done. You are all appreciated.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

@Roughdraft76 Good luck, hope everything turns out okay.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Hopefully you made the decision. Now you have to work on getting it done.

Make arrangements first. Tell her nothing. NOTHING! Got it? You do not want to tip your hand.
Start changing bank accounts or opening new ones today.
Do you have another computer? Have one ready.
Tell a few of your friends when the move is going to happen (date time) and ask/beg them to help you move. Extra hands will make the move quicker and you will have witnesses.
Do it on a day when the kids are at the grandparents if possible.
Take pictures.
On the day, while you are moving say nothing more than I am moving out. Do not engage.

Be confident that you have started her on the road to recovery.
Good luck to all of you.

partyparty's avatar

You know what you have to do. It may seem harsh but she needs a sharp shock to force her to take action.
Tell her you will leave her and take the children with you, unless she gets some help.
Give her 6–12 months to show you she really is trying, and if she can’t (or won’t) get help then your only option is to get yourself and your children out of this situation. It won’t do anyone any good staying in this environment. Put yourself and your children first for once.

john65pennington's avatar

You are way overdue to exit the front door, forever. she has the alcohol gene and will never be nomal. you are wasting your time with her. her past drinkng history is proof of this. unless you are willing to suffer a lifetime of misery and shame, find someone else.

jca's avatar

in my county, domestic violence of any kind subjects both parents to a child protective investigation, as long as it occurred with the kids in the home. this is another potential issue you don’t want to get caught up in. she has not chosen alcohol over you, she has no choice.

if you attend AA meetings (i had in the past to support someone i was with) you will hear alcoholics say “Now i have a choice, before, i had no choice.” I did not understand, because i thought that i have a choice, as i have the choice to drink or not drink where as now they cannot drink at all. then it was explained to me that they used to HAVE TO drink. now they have the choice that i have, they don’t have to drink if they choose not to.

get the kids out before they start becoming affected (if they are not already) by seeing a drunk, out of control mother. the mother will have to hit rock bottom in order to make some choices. some people end up homeless or ill as their bottom, only time will tell.

good luck to you and post an update here if you wish.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I’ll add one more thing. The reason you say nothing until the actual act of moving out is:
-She can manipulate you. She will cry. She will beg. It’s all BS. Don’t cave.
-Don’t give her time to derail your plans.
-You are a good person and are doing what is best for the kids. Don’t let her sway you.

Good luck.

BluRhino's avatar

@john65pennington ; I resemble that – I have that alcoholic gene, and am actually a very normal guy. True, I will never be a normal drinker, but I am very ok with that, I dont miss it at all. I personally know many people ( very normal people now) that have been in her shoes ( and Roughdrafts) and can testify that as long as there is Hope, there is a solution. I hope she gets a good rehab, gets the program, and gets a new life. (no, she can’t have her life ‘back’) I hope to see her in the circle one day, sharing about this as her darkest bottom days, and expressing gratitude that someone somewhere did not give up on her. I will still be there for sure.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Here’s a link to an online support group for friends, family and partners of substance abusers. It helps to not be alone with your feeling of “I’m giving up”, it gives reason and strength to it. Good luck.

SamIAm's avatar

You need to deal with this now… it will only get worse if you let it continue. Such a similar story with my parents and let me tell you, nothing has changed with her drinking… it’s turned to more addictive and harder drug usage since their divorce. But at least my little sister wasn’t as subjected to it once she left.

I would set up an intervention, maybe with the kids and her family, and get her into long term, in-patient rehab. I am a firm believer in rehab only works if you want it to but maybe, if you get her into the right program, it will help her realize that she’s going to lose everything. it sounds like she’s been in short term or out patient rehabs in the past few months, I don’t believe those work…

Try to file for custody and leave… or use that as an ultimatum (maybe during the intervention). Please don’t let the kids be apart of this anymore, as unfair as it is to you, it’s even more so to them. Good luck!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You say she was arrested, is part of her release an agreement to go to a detox and join a program? I know people who had DUI’s and it’s that way but I don’t know about other offenses. If she can’t help herself then maybe a forced and supervised “dry out” will get the ball rolling.

Pandora's avatar

Its late and I am tired so I didn’t read all the comments above.
Call 1–888-4Al-ANON or 1–888-425— 2666. They deal with family members of alcohlics and can help you figure out what is the best way to deal with your situation.
I believe they are a non profit organization.
I wish you well.

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