Social Question

mostlyclueless's avatar

Would you keep dating someone who didn't want a serious relationship?

Asked by mostlyclueless (701points) September 20th, 2010

I have been dating a man for two or three months. We both have very full lives and busy schedules, so we only see each other once or twice a week.

Initially I was not that interested in him, but my feelings have been growing steadily, and about a month ago I expressed as much. He said that he doesn’t want a more serious relationship because he doesn’t have time for it and he doesn’t plan on being in this area for more than a year.

I interpreted this as letting me down easy, and have been deliberating ever since about whether or not I should end things. I very much enjoy his company and he has been, for lack of a better word, inspirational, and a very positive force in my life. We also have unparalleled physical chemistry.

All this is very hard to walk away from, and I think at the back of my mind I am sort of hoping he’ll warm up to the idea of a more stable, committed relationship—even though rationally I know this is unlikely to happen. I am about 90% happy with the way things are, but the other 10% of the time I find myself feeling very jealous and insecure, often without a substantial reason. I don’t like seeing that side of myself. I am not a jealous or insecure person.

So, what’s your advice? Give up all the good parts to save myself those fleeting but painful moments? Please note, I do not think this is stopping me from dating other people, but I have not met someone who is a better fit any time recently and do not really expect to for the foreseeable future.

Also, please be nice. This is not an easy situation for me. Thanks.

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19 Answers

emoney1994's avatar

my advice is just trust ur heart and u’ll make the right decision

Seaofclouds's avatar

It all depends on what you want. Personally, if I wanted more and I knew the person I was with didn’t want the same thing as me, that would be the end of the relationship for me. You have several options. You can stick with things the way they are and let it runs it’s course or you could end it and move on. If you stay with him, your feelings will most likely continue to grow for him. How will you handle it when he moves away and ends things? Would you want to be in a long distance relationship if his feelings for you did change but he still moved away?

Think about what will make you happiest. If you feel like you would be happy and able to handle whatever comes, go for it. Just remember that could mean he moves away and your relationship ends within a year or so.

gravity's avatar

I think you should listen to what he said… if he doesn’t want to commit then he probably doesn’t want to commit. It could save you more heartache down the road if you listen to what he is telling you NOW. hmmm at least he can communicate he feelings… feel lucky in that sense at least.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

In your shoes then I’d stop because you have told him about your change and feelings and he doesn’t reciprocate them. You can only become disappointed and hurt from here. If he’s great company then keep on entertaining yourself but be open to others who may want to date you and seriously give them a chance because this guy is only willing to be a “friend with benefits” sounds like.

wundayatta's avatar

This is a hard one. On the one hand, you enjoy his company, and would love to keep doing things together. On the other hand, you do have these feelings and you know he says he doesn’t want to go there, and you want to protect yourself from the pain of a breakup.

Yet your heart wants him. What do you do?

It seems to me that his comments about not having time and not being around are a pretty big warning. He enjoys your company, but he doesn’t want to have emotional attachments because they will make it much harder for him to follow his plan. I think that if you offered to follow him, he might interpret this as a sign of weakness, and not want to go.

I think it makes sense to see this as being in a theme park. You ride the rides and you have a lot of fun as long as they last and then you go home, happy and not feeling like you have to run back the next week for more.

I think that if you let yourself fall further in love with him, it will because you like the drama. You will have plenty of scenes begging him not to leave or to take you with him, and if he declines, you can feel lost and faint. If he agrees to take you, you can feel so ecstatic—on top of the world.

I’m not sure why he is so unavailable. He’s probably in love with his work and sees women as just entertainment. He may be one of those inspirational men who just don’t want to or can’t get attached.

In any case, I think it does not bode well. You can take a risk and continue to see him. Your feelings may deepen, or you may be able to hold them back. Or you can shut down the relationship to prevent yourself from going any further. It all depends on how much strength you have.

Whatever you do, good luck!

Ltryptophan's avatar

Give it some time and let it figure itself out.

josie's avatar

I would be cautious about any romantic relationship where the participants had different goals and expectations. In fact, I would head for the hills.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Walk away and find someone worthy of you that wants your company enough to fit you into their life more than this guy is willing to do. Sure it may be fun for now, but what if you end up with your heart broken, or pregnant by someone who doesn’t want to be with you ultimately? If you’re willing to take the risks go for it, but he has flat out told you that he doesn’t see you in his future. I would find someone who wanted everything that I want. You can find it, but not if you’re wasting time settling for the wrong guys.

Pandora's avatar

I agree with @Josie. Its not so much that you are giving up good times but what you are giving up is your self respect. He pretty much told you that he doesn’t see you as anything more than a good time. Do you plan to settle every time a guy says’ he is just in it for the good time till he is done with you?
Giving this enough time you will feel your self esteem diminish and you will only find guys who are looking for a good time. If that is what you really want, than go for it. But think it all the way through.
If he isn’t in love with you after 3 months than nothing is going to change.

Cruiser's avatar

Count your blessings….

BarnacleBill's avatar

If he doesn’t want a serious relationship and is planning on leaving in a year, that’s pretty much a clue that he will enjoy the “chemistry” with you while it lasts, and walk away when the time comes without looking back. It rarely works out like in the movies.

It sounds like your choices are to get hurt now, or invest a year of emotions on the guy, and get hurt later.

iammia's avatar

If you hadn’t already shared your feelings with him, i would have sat it out and hoped he would warm to the idea of a deeper relationship, but knowing that he does not want this i would part company, and as difficult as it is for you….. you will get over it and find someone who does want the same as you, some time down the line in the future.

NaturallyMe's avatar

I’d most likely end the relationship, because i’ll know that once he decides the relationship is over (since he’s moving, right?), i’ll just be more sad about it the longer i stick around with him. Plus, if you’re actually looking for serious relationships right now, then perhaps you should move on in trying to find someone who has this same “goal” as you at this time? If you’re not looking for a committed relationship at the moment, and you think you can handle the disappointment of this current relationship ending in the near future, then stay where you are.
It wouldn’t be fair to yourself waiting for him to see if maybe he changes his mind about you or your relationship – being that uncertain all the time – i think it would be easier to just move on right now then, before you get too attached to him.
I agree with @BarnacleBill.
And i also think it’s important to be in a relationship with someone who has the same “goals” as you, relationship-wise. At least you’re on the same footing and have a better idea of what to expect in future.

Marva's avatar

In answer to your direct question as it appears in the title, I would say: Not if I was intrested in a serious relationship and there was a chance of me falling inlove with him.

Keep in mind that men are much more calculated than women in matters of the heart: it wouldn’t be a problem for him to continue the relationship and not develop emotions since he is not intrested to. You could get much more hurt when he ends the relationship after a year, or when he feels you are falling inlove and doesn’t want you to get hurt even more.

About other guys, I believe that as long as you are not emotionally available, it is almost impossible to attract another worthy man into your life. The matter of the fact that you don’t believe that you could find someone who is this suitable I would say is the cause for this situation in the first place.

I would say, think of him as a possibility of “suitableness” that can be achieved, and then search for someone who is this suitable + emotinally available. You have recieved inspiration from him, take it with you and move on to find something better for you.

wundayatta's avatar

Let it slip that there’s some other guy who is interested in you. See how he responds.

mostlyclueless's avatar

@wundayatta: How? Isn’t that manipulative? Is it okay to be manipulative?

wundayatta's avatar

@mostlyclueless Does it matter? If you want to be serious and he doesn’t, then you can test it that way. Or you could really find someone else to be interested in you, and let him know. Or you could just leave. See if he comes after you. If not, you know it’s the right thing to do.

mostlyclueless's avatar

Well, I told him we should stop seeing each other because I did not want to fall in love with someone who was not in love with me.

He said I was “an impressive young lady” and un-facebooked me.

I hate dating.

Marva's avatar

You did the right thing for yourself. Take only that out of the experience.
His reaction only shows how right you were. Mnay people are stuck in bad situations because they can’t bring themselfs to do the right thing for themselfs. Celebrate the fact that you can. Taking responsibility is the key to happiness: when you don’t agree to be anywhere that is bad for you, you are only where it is good.

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