General Question

circuitbreaker's avatar

Is it better to cut ties with someone who you are not currently dating but are interested in?

Asked by circuitbreaker (117points) September 20th, 2010

One of my friends suggested that I break ties with my “quasi” boyfriend for the time being because ”if he can’t be with you but you’re still caught up in wanting to be with him, you’re just hurting yourself”.

Do you think this is true? Should I cut ties with him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bugging him about being together again, I’m giving him his space, but I’d still like to talk to him every once in awhile and attempt to stay connected.

Also, how should I go about telling him this?

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23 Answers

salton's avatar

Dump his ass and move on. If you feel this way already there is nothing there and there never will be.

circuitbreaker's avatar

@salton : ... not helpful.

Seaofclouds's avatar

What do you hope to come out of staying connected to him? Are you hoping that one day he’ll change his mind and want to be back with you? If he doesn’t want to be with you and has told you that, you should listen to what he says and move on. Continuing to wait for him and hope he changes his ming will lead to more heartache for you.

It’s really your choice. Don’t be surprised though if he never wants a relationship with you if he already told you that.

circuitbreaker's avatar

@Seaofclouds : he didn’t say that he never wanted to be with me again. and I enjoy his company, he’s like my best friend. why else would I want to be around him?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@circuitbreaker Were you in a relationship previously? If so, did he break up with you or you with him? If he broke up with you, that was him saying he didn’t want to be with you anymore. If you really want to know, just ask him what the chances are that he would want to be back with you. Once you get that answer, accept it and move on.

circuitbreaker's avatar

@Seaofclouds : yes, we were. we didn’t exactly break up… it’s hard to explain. besides, it’s not that easy to just “accept it and move on”.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@circuitbreaker No it’s not that easy, but it’s what you have to do if he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. The longer you try to hold on to him and keep trying to get back with him, the longer it will take you to heal. Part of being able to heal after a relationship is accepting it’s over and then going from there. Cutting ties with him would give you a clean break and help facilitate your healing. Holding on to him and hoping to get him back holds you in the place you are at now and you won’t move forward. I know it’s not easy, but sometimes life sucks. We have to pick up the pieces and keep going though.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Is he married or involved with someone else?

Does he contact you on his own, or do you initiate all contact with him?

circuitbreaker's avatar

@Seaofclouds : any idea on how I should tell him? I guess that I really shouldn’t since he decided this in the first place…
@BarnacleBill : no?

BarnacleBill's avatar

I would just drift away. Start making plans to do other things. Every time you want to call him, call him with less and less frequency.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@circuitbreaker Since he is the one that decided it, there really isn’t anything you need to tell him.

wundayatta's avatar

What’s the up side? What’s the down side? It’s kind of like an emotional accounting. Weigh the positives and the negatives and your ability to manage them, and see what you want to do.

You like this guy. He’s a good friend. But is there more? Will you want more if you continue to see him? Or can you keep your feelings from growing stronger; switch to being friends?

It’s difficult to transition to friendship, but it is possible. You should take a good look at yourself and be honest with yourself about whether you can hold your more intimately emotional feelings at bay, and focus on your friendship feelings and have that be enough.

If you think you can do that, I’d stay involved with him. If not, then it’s probably best to tear yourself away. Of course, that is easier said than done. I believe that most people can’t do it. I believe that people are attracted to the challenge and the drama, and will give in to these impossible relationships just because it makes them feel like things matter so much. This is how we want to feel, I believe. Most of us, anyway.

Have you had drama in other parts of your life? Did it make you feel like it all matters so much? If there is anything like this, then it’s a pattern you should question. I’m not saying it’s bad or wrong. I’m just saying think you should ask yourself whether this is what your really want.

I really see nothing wrong with drama. It’s intense. I enjoy it. It’s gotten me in trouble, so I’m trying to stay away from it now. But it was intense, and I love intense. Makes me feel alive.

Other prefer a more orderly life. They prefer it safe. They want things more predictable. Drama is not for them. Which are you? Depending on the answer to that question, you should have a good idea of what you want to do with respect to this guy.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

One question: Are you sleeping with him?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Understand something about human nature… People want what they cannot have.

Understand something about the nature of our universe… Void cannot exist within our realm.

Have faith in human nature and the nature of our universe. Walk away from him and see what happens. Human nature and natural law will move him closer to you than you ever could by chasing him or wanting anything from him at all. He won’t even know what hit him.

circuitbreaker's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies : I’ve never understood that. How could that bring anyone closer?

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Since you seem to be avoiding my question, I’m going to assume that you’re sleeping with him. If you’re willing to sleep with him when he isn’t willing to commit, he’s getting exactly what he wants. If you continue to sleep with him, don’t expect any kind of commitment. Stop sleeping with him and watch what happens. He may not be willing to commit even if you stop, but he’ll sure start to ask you questions.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@circuitbreaker Why and how did your relationship end? Did he tell you he can’t be with you and give you a reason?

Pandora's avatar

Be straight forward. Some people are just really dense or it may be you are sending mixed signals. Tell him how you really feel. And see what he really feels. If he says that he isn’t interested than move on. You will never find another guy if you are all hung up on your friend. Would you want to date a guy who was all hung up on his female friend?
You would feel like the moment she decides to give him the green light than you are history.
If he doesn’t feel the same. Dump him or you’ll always live in hope of a fantasy coming to life.

aprilsimnel's avatar

”if he can’t be with you but you’re still caught up in wanting to be with him, you’re just hurting yourself”

I would listen to your friend.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

@circuitbreaker “I’ve never understood that.”

It’s nothing that can be understood. But if we cannot deny it, then we must accept it.

Vincent_Lloyd's avatar

I think just cut him loose, doesn’t seem worth the trouble of giving you more scars on your heart than you already have. So just leave him and let him find another to hurt more. You don’t deserve to be hurt and he definitely doesn’t deserve someone as good as you if he’s not willing to try.

Amazebyu's avatar

Oh boy, this sounds like me one year ago. Look, the best you can do for your own sake is get away from him. I’ll give you an idea of what could happen. My ex and I broke up over a year ago but I wanted to stay friends with him because he was a great person and so did he thought about me. We continued being “friends” we always endup in bed and little by little next thing you know we were back together. I think it was me trying more then him though. After that it turned into a habit, we broke up several times in the last year and finally the last one was because I found out he was sleeping with other women. It felt like a wave crushing over me. But I learned my lesson. When it’s over, it’s over. Avoid yourself more unnecessary heartache and move on! Btw. The last and final breakup was only two months ago and I feel great after finally accepting reality. I could literally slap myself for not living it alone one year ago, but it’s never too late + I learned that I have a relationship addiction which I’m treating with Counceling and without that ugly experience there’s no way I would’ve find out. So in a way I’m thankful but now I know FINALLY that don’t have to be friends with him. Move on dear, there’s someone else waiting out there to rock your world! :)

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