General Question

finnegan's avatar

How much time to wait for someone who just ended a relationship of 9 years?

Asked by finnegan (10points) October 3rd, 2010

I’ve being seeing someone for a year or so, but she was dating someone married for nine years. She finally broke up with him about a week ago. She’s very sad and kinda giving me the cold shoulder. In the past she has expressed that someday she wants to be with me. I’m very much in love with her but don’t think she is with me. She knows how I feel for her and she’s asking for time. How much time should I wait without being inconsiderate of her present situation?

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7 Answers

marinelife's avatar

To get over a relationship of the magnitude you are saying she had will take her at least a year., She really shouldn’t get involved with someone new until she has gone through all the anniversaries including breaking up.

If you get into a relationship with her before then, you are risking being the rebound person.

zenvelo's avatar

she was seeing a married man AND you at the same time? I’d give her and you at least six months, more like a year before considering her committed. No matter how dysfunctional, 9 years is a long time for a relationship, it will take her time to disconnect.

Loried2008's avatar

If you really care for her you’d have to wait it out. It would be unwise to go into a relationship with her at this point even if she was willing. I agree with @marinelife, you’re risking a rebound.

finnegan's avatar

Thank you for your answers! with that said, I’m also kinda confused in how to act around her. I’ve always been very lovable and considerate of her needs. kinda like showing her that I could be that perfect guy for her. Should I continue being that way or should I slow down and give her all the space she needs?

Loried2008's avatar

Give her the space she needs. Let her know you’re there and you still want to be that guy, but also that you understand she needs this time. If you talk to her just like that it keeps the topic open for further discussion in time. Communication is key no matter what the circumstance.

JLeslie's avatar

I think what @marinelife touched on is very likely true; I think there is a risk you already are the rebound person. Or, possibly the person who was useful to get her to finally break it off with the married guy. She probably was having a hard time breaking it off, and having this other relationship helped her do it. So, there is the risk that now that she has finally broken off with the married man, she might lose interest in you. I hope that isn’t the case. Your only choice is to be patient. I find most difficult break-ups take at least 4 months to really recover when it is very traumatic. Hopefully it will be faster than that for her, since she must have been wanting to do this for a long time.

Certainly a week is not enough time to tell where you stand with her. Maybe give her a coupe of weeks more and then try to have an open conversation with her about how she is feeling if she is still acting withdrawn.

zzc's avatar

I was married for 12½ yrs. I got counseling and asked how long it takes, if I did the work needed, to get over it. I was told 2 yrs minimum, and usually more like 5. That a person has to grieve, no matter what the circumstances were, and really look at themselves and the other person, the dynamics etc. and if that all isn’t addressed, a person is kidding themselves that they’re healthy, over it and ready for another relationship. I’m afraid you are already in the position of the ” transitional relationship”. I’ve been in that position. It sucks big time. The person is vulnerable, struggling etc. and you fall for them. Then, when they’re better, they say, “I will never forget you.” A transitional relationship is like a cooling, healing salve on an open wound. It’s a unique relationship. . .not real in the sense of relationships in which both are healthy and ready, I’m afraid. I was one more than once. I then would not date someone who had not been single at least two yrs, AND had a transitional relationship. I feel for you. I would recommend that you get some counseling and be sure to take care of yourself, because you’re at risk. . . you said you are in love. The worst was when one man told the, “I’ll never forget you” thing, but then added, “The next person in my life will owe you so much.” Keep your eyes open and try to be objective and see the truth of the situation, not hang on in hope, if you see your love is not isn’t reciprocal. Good luck.

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