What keeps you from quitting?

Asked by prolificus (6583) October 5th, 2010 from iPhone

As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 18. In my young 20’s, almost every morning I would ask God to put me out of my misery (as in, kill me). As time passed, I felt that God had no intention of answering my request. Instead, the Divine has helped me in more ways than I’m able to recognize or acknowledge.

Almost 18 years later, I still have unpleasant thoughts. One in particular has always been the image of an imaginary gun in my hand, pointed to my head.  Even though my bipolar is managed with meds, and I’ve received cognitive therapy, some days the image lingers intensely.  It’s an image I don’t share, among other thoughts, with those close to me. As mentioned elsewhere, I’ve learned to suck it up and carry on with life.  On the outside, I appear put together, while on the inside I work really hard to live as well as possible.

The last time I attempted suicide was around the time I was diagnosed. Suicide, though, is not the type of quitting I’m thinking about in this question. I’m speaking about the type of quitting one considers when they are tired of fighting – whether it’s a mental or physical, internal or external battle.

What keeps me from quitting is the strong belief in “someday” – someday my hard work will pay off, someday I won’t have to fight, someday I will put the imaginary gun away and never pick it up again.  What keeps me from quitting is believing in my self-worth, valuing my story, and hoping someone will be encouraged to continue fighting because of me and others like me.

So, what is it that you fight and what keeps you from quitting?