General Question

Anonymously's avatar

Should someone who is married stop being friends with someone of the opposite sex to which sexual acts had taken place but there never was any romantic involvement?

Asked by Anonymously (43points) October 7th, 2010

Let’s say you’ve known this opposite-sex friend for a very long time.

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25 Answers

iamthemob's avatar

There’s no need, objectively, to stop being friends with them. I think it all depends on whether you can handle it.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

If the sexual acts have stopped and your SO trusts you I don’t see a problem.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

How does the non sexually involved spouse feel about that non-romantic sex buddy? A lot of people look down even more on sex without romance. If it were me then I’d discern how my spouse feels about it first and take my cue from there. Life is short and one less headache, suspicion, tenseness around the house if worth quite a bit, to me anyways.

BarefootChris's avatar

Unless you or your spouse feel uncomfortable with the continuation of this relationship, I don’t see why not! The past is the past, and if your spouse is willing to accept your friendship with this person then there’s nothing wrong with it!

Now, it would be a whole different story if this person still arouses those sorts of feeling in you, in which case I would advise that you really think it over. Can you handle those sorts of thoughts? Or would you rather not be exposed to it in the first place…

The choice really comes down to you!

Seek's avatar

My husband has a very good female friend. They had a sexual encounter at a party 10 years ago or more. I met her recently, and I really like her. She’s a lot of fun. ^_^

I wouldn’t think of forcing my husband to erase long time friendships for my sake. That’s just insecurity.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

What @BarefootChris writes is super important I think and have experienced firsthand on both sides of the coin.
… (does) this person still arouses those sorts of feeling in you? Can you handle those sorts of thoughts? Would you rather not be exposed to it in the first place?

Anonymously's avatar

To all: I asked this question to gain insight on what other’s would do if they where in this situation. So if you can answer from that point of view that would be great. Thanks for the responses so far though….

sliceswiththings's avatar

Hell no. Those are my best friends.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
Neizvestnaya's avatar

What would I do? Seriously, I’d ask myself if the ex fuck buddy is a friend or an acquaintance. If they’re just an acquaintance and there’s even the slightest bit of chance my spouse would be uncomfortable and merely tolerating then I’d dish the acquaintance. There’s no farking way I’d put anyone like that, put a principle of what I think my spouse should accept and understand above their feelings. I don’t want a tolerating spouse, I want an accepting and loving partner in full force. This is especially true for online acquaintances.

cockswain's avatar

Boy, that’s a great question. Mainly it depends on how well your spouse handles it. If your spouse hates it, you need to evaluate your friendship vs a peaceful marriage. Whew, tough one. One wouldn’t want to be manipulated in such a way by one’s spouse, yet one loves one’s spouse.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I wouldn’t do a thing – I would never be with a person who would have an issue with something like that – if they’re uncomfortable, I’d seriously question why I’m with such a person.

cockswain's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Even if you had a long history with your spouse at that point? Let’s just say your spouse has a hang up about that and gets jealous, justified or not. Would you really leave on principal? I’d like to think I would, but it’s such a grey area.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@cockswain These are the kinds of things that would absolutely get discussed, in my relationship. I wouldn’t leave him, no, but he would know about my extreme disappointment with the situation and I wouldn’t do anything to stop interacting with that person. That’s just me, principles matter more than emotions.

cockswain's avatar

I suppose that makes sense. The burden would fall on the spouse to decide to let their jealously gain control of their rationality. Good answer.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@cockswain Exactly – I’ve got one life to live, I will not live with a person who has unjustified jealousy.

cockswain's avatar

I’m willing to forgive some instances, but certainly not escalating jealousy. I’m with you. Fuck all that.

Seaofclouds's avatar

My husband is my best friend. If he had a problem with it, I would discuss it with him and go from there. My husband isn’t the jealous type, so I don’t see it being a problem as long as the friendship wasn’t interfering with our marriage. Our marriage is the most important relationship in my opinion, so if it was interfering with our marriage, the friendship would go.

downtide's avatar

No. Although I can see how it would cause jealousy issues in some spouses, that’s a sign more of the jealous person’s insecurity more than anything else.

augustlan's avatar

I did, once, for my ex husband. I’d never do it again. In fact, the guy friend I ‘ditched’ for him, is now my friend again, and my second husband has no problem with it.

lucifer's avatar

I would stop seeing them. Pretty frankly, if I love someone enough to spend the rest of my life with there, there isn’t a mountain I wouldn’t move and a stone I wouldn’t turn to make them happy.

But then again, that’s just me :)

Anonymously's avatar

Thanks for all the responses thus far. I agree that there are some spouses who’s been involved in something as this may give up a friendship that was strictly sexual because of his/her spouse’s insecurities. If that was the case for you, let us know about your situation there. But if you haven’t been in a situation like that, just tell us generally about whether one spouse should give up a friendship that was sexual in the past.

I think the spouse should know what’s best for his/her marriage and whether his/her partner is comfortable with this. Communication is key no matter what the situation. But it all lies on that spouse that has a friendship with someone s/he was sexually involved with.

No one hasn’t said this but this general question could involved the spouse deciding on his/her own that since s/he got married that past sexual friendship won’t be good for his/her marriage. So there could be many reasons for a spouse giving up a past sexual friendship. But, keeping it simple, just tell us if one should do that and why? Again, thanks everybody for responding.

Seek's avatar

If one feels that their friendship is distracting them from their marriage and dissolution of the friendship is the best course of action, then sure. It’s their right to choose who they are friends with.

I don’t think it’s right for one person to dictate who their spouse is “allowed” to be friends with.

lonelydragon's avatar

Only if you still feel an attraction for this other person. You do not want to have a constant source of temptation in your life. But if the past relationship was casual, and you’re not interested in this person, then it should be safe to remain friends, as long as the friend knows that no sexual activity will take place.

downtide's avatar

I would not stay in a relationship to someone who wanted to dictate who I could and could not be friends with. That, and dictating where I go and whether or not I go alone, is a surefire way to end a relationship with me. I wouldn;t get as far as marriage with a person like that.

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