Is he being an a**h***? Are we too different to make it work?

Two years ago, I met a guy at a bar through friends and I felt a strong connection. I was a 22 year old virgin at the time, and I slept with him on the first night. After several dates (w/o sleeping together) we decided we were in a relationship. Thing is, he lived two hours away from me in a different city. Things were going perfectly though, with one of us driving to see the other every weekend. I’d never been happier in my life.

I should mention that I have a lot of personal problems, and while I had been dating him they seemed to be healed. I have a very dysfuntional family, and have always been too scared to venture out of the box they trap me in and to realize who I really am. According to my counselors my family kept me from being socialized which led to intense loneliness, and a lot of pain and depression. But when I was dating him, I felt like my life turned around 180 degrees. I felt like all the pain and depression in me were healed, and I also started to love myself more and to realize that I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be.

After around a year of being together and seeing each other every weekend, we were getting tired of the two hour drive. He pressured me to move to his town, because he was applying to med school there. Also, he’s in grad school so it would be hard for him to move, and it would both be good for me to get away from my parents and good for me academically. I agreed and moved to his town around 5 months ago.

Possibly due to my shaky family life and anxiety problems, I’ve never been good at dealing with big changes. Moving to a new town freaked me out. I had no support system other than him, and while I had improved immensely, it wasn’t enough for me to be strong enough to find a new support system and sucessfully adapt…at least, it took me longer that it might take a normal person. I don’t know if it was because we stopped the ‘drug’ of not seeing each other for a week, and then being elated from seeing each other, or if it was seeing each other more often, or if it was because he kind of became my world (my only friend down there) that the relationship was negatively affected. He keeps telling me he wants me to be more independent and start living my own life. I started feeling different when he was around, and we became very close….too close, he said. It felt like I was changing myself against my will, because I didn’t see opportunities to change myself how I wanted to if that makes any sense.

Anyway, this brings me to current concerns. When I moved there, my panic attacks escalated. Usually they were something easily controlled….but I started feeling like normal things were going to harm me, and like I needed a safety bubble to protect me from the world. He loathed this, and while sometimes he tried to support me and make me feel better, eventually he snapped and broke up with me. I told him that I thought it was because of stress from moving, and we got back together, this time the panic attacks greatly ceased (possibly because i brought the problem out into the open). Thing is, he had broken up with me a week earlier because we got into a fight about oatmeal cookies…yes you heard me right….I had a severe stomach reaction to some cookies. I tried them again in the morning, same thing, so I said it’s probably something in the cookies. He said this was unscientific and was probably all in my head, which is stupid imo. I guess it could make sense because I did have a problem with panic attacks, but much of the time even when I think something is going to make me sick, it doesn’t, so it seems I don’t cause those reactions in my head. He told me to eat them again, so I did, and I got sick again. He said to do it again. I refused, and many of my friends said he’s an asshole and to dump him, because it seems he doesn’t care about me. Both times he dumped me, I couldn’t sleep or eat at all for days. He seemed to move on with his life just fine, but did drink himself to the point of throwing up once or twice (verrrrrry hard to do for him, he must have been blackout drunk). He also seemed down in the dumps both times, but other than that seemed to be ok. I would have felt like he cared more if he had been more effected…but maybe this is just what a healthy person does after a break up? I had a very hard time getting over the fact he broke up with me twice. Usually I wouldn’t care about the reasons and would just be done with the person….I know the relationship was effecting him badly, but why couldn’t he try to work it out, or ask for a break? I guess there is the fact he’s not a very good communicator about these things…

Fast forward two months. One of his attractive friends that he had wanted to date who had wanted to date him (it was bad timing, so they couldn’t) was staying over at our house so she could visit friends in town. He kept checking her out…I felt like he couldn’t take his eyes off her. While I would be at his side trying to get his attention. He tried to say he was looking at her like an old friend. Bull ****. Then as we left a bar in below freezing weather, he gave me his shirt…..and put his arm around her to “rub her up”. I wanted to cry, I felt horrified and like I was second best. I didn’t say anything at the time because I didn’t want his friend to think I was jealous of her and feel like she one upped me. He assured me it would never happen again and that she was “in the friend zone”. I still feel like it hurt our relationship. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for that, or for breaking up with me twice. It makes me wonder if this is someone I’d really want to marry.

We saw a counselor together the other day, and he divulged that he wanted more space and for us to not spend the night together so often (we were every night, even though I asked him a few times if he needed space, he said no). He also said he’s not sure our relationship would last through moving in together. I felt hurt…when was he ever sure about our relationship? I pulled away from him and said I wanted to take a break from dating him, and this is where we are now. He actually told me he wanted a break too, and didn’t seem too eager to stop the break until yesterday. (going from seeing each other most of the day to one or two texts a day and no seeing each other was our break)

I don’t know what to do…is he an asshole? Does he not care for me the way a husband would need to care for his wife? I don’t know if I should waste my time with him if not, even though I love him and he tells me he loves me. I don’t know if he means it. He does tell me I’ve been his best girlfriend so far, and the closest. He said for a long while, he felt like he had found ‘the one’ with me. He also tells me he cares about me more than anything, even though at one point he said he was more focused on school than me, even that he ‘loved it more’. He took it back later saying he loves me more, but ehhhh… it seems like he can’t make his mind up, if he even had to take it back. He also spends way too much money on me (I have a hard time getting school loans with a rich dad who doesn’t help me much…I plan to repay a lot of it to him) Should I try to be more independent, find my own identity and see how this effects our relationship….or date other people?