Will I ever get over my ex?

So where to begin… It’s been two years since my first love (not my first long term relationship but the only guy I ever really fell for) broke up with me by saying he no longer loved me.

I was 20 at the time and absolutely devastated. I made it a point to move on with my life – I transferred to a better college, moved to the big city and started taking steps to build an awesome career. By all accounts, I’ve come a long way since I was with him, I even got into shape and started modeling for some fashion brands and cosmetics companies. I’ve done some great things that I never would have had the chance to if we were together and of course there have been a few guys in my life, some of which would objectively make him look a little lame with their educations and accomplishments.

I deleted him on Facebook a few months after we broke up and he started seeing someone else. It was just too much to see another girl taking my place after all I’d given him and wondering what she did for him that I don’t. But recently, we’ve been in touch and are back on speaking terms.

It seems that no matter what I do or who I see, my thoughts always settle on this man and nobody can compare to him. Despite the fact that he was kind of a lame boyfriend who couldn’t even remember my birthday and I have significant evidence that he might be gay and in the closet (for real, I’m not just being spiteful) I just can’t seem to get over him.

Tonight a mutual friend told me that he had changed his mind and was going to be in our hometown for Thanksgiving when he previously didn’t plan on it. I’m going home for the holiday tomorrow and this news has thrown me into an absolute tailspin mentally. I’m torn between desperately wanting to see him knowing that I have the chance and not wanting to leave my parents’ house for fear of running into him. I’m also terrified that he’ll have girlfriend with him. (This one is new, in the past few months)

How can it be two years later and this person can illicit this strong of an emotional reaction from me? My stomach is literally doing flips right now and I can hardly breathe! I just want to be over him already after the hell he put me through. It’s been long enough, dammit! I was talking to mutual our friend about it tonight and he told me how he’s still not over a girl he dated 10 years ago in HS despite having seemed to have “moved on” and this did not make me feel better at all.

I’m terrified that I’m going to be a girl with an Ivy League education and a great job but will be absolutely miserable because I can’t have the only man my heart will let me love despite him obviously being wrong for me if he doesn’t feel the same way.

(Sorry for my garbled spelling and syntax. It’s late and my mind is actually bouncing off the walls because of this news…)