When do you struggle with perfectionism? How does it mess with your head?

I could probably have been a professional trumpet player, but I didn’t go that route. To sound my best, I would have to practice every day to keep my lip in shape. Instead, because I usually only play for fun, I use that as an excuse for not practicing every day. Since I don’t practice as I should, I have to use a lot of tricks to sound good even though I can’t do everything I would be able to do if I stayed in shape.

Mostly this doesn’t matter because I play improvisational music. However once a year, I play in the orchestra for an amateur Messiah sing. This is the only classical gig I do most years. I hate playing classical (although I love the music), because the standards are so different. It’s not like improvisation, where I can always claim I meant to do that, and then repeat the “mistake” so that it becomes what I meant. That’s what improvisation is—turning mistakes into music. Classical music is completely different. Either you play it right (as written) or it’s wrong, and you get to feel all the psychological baggage that is associated with being wrong—shame and feelings of failure.

In the Messiah, there is a section called “The Trumpet Shall Sound,” and it is one of the most difficult pieces in the literature in terms of endurance. The group I play with is amateur and friendly. We don’t practice. We just get together and play and sing. They are lucky to have a trumpet at all. Lucky to have any member of the orchestra. Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.

So me being there, and playing through the piece, even if I crap out ten bars before the end, is a blessing. And yet. I HATE doing that. So to play The Messiah and feel good about it, I have to go on a forced march of sorts, practicing rigorously for the month before hand, all so I can make it through this one piece.

I know the people are grateful, and aren’t going to be pissed at me if I crap out ten bars before the end, but I still hate doing that. It’s built into me somewhere that that is just plain wrong. I must not merely do my best. I have to meet a minimum standard, or I feel like a failure, even knowing everyone appreciates it.

For the past couple of years, I have been begging the conductor to find me another trumpet player and this year he did. That made an enormous difference.

Unfortunately, the guy was even more poorly prepared than I was, which made me feel good and bad. Bad that we couldn’t really do a better job except for not crapping out ten bars before the end, but good because I’m still better than someone. I kept having to remind myself that I was glad he was there, and to try not to gloat about being better than him (I did both).

I want to be perfect. But I know I can’t. I know people don’t care that much how perfect I am. They’re just glad I showed up. Yet despite knowing that, I still put all kinds of pressure on myself and feel lots of anxiety in the runup to and during this event. I care. I feel people deserve a standard of professionalism even if I am not a professional. I just can’t seem to be able to let this standard go.

When do you struggle with perfectionism? How does it mess with your head?

I’m not asking for advice here. I’m only interested in stories about how you have dealt with this issue.