Are there forms of touch that are sexual sometimes and sometimes not, for you?

Continuing my investigation into hugging, it seems to me that when you hug a lover, that could contain sexual meaning. In my case, it always contains sexual meaning. But I suspect that for others it might or might not.

Then again, I think it contains sexual meaning depending on who you are hugging. If you hug a child, it wouldn’t be sexual at all. It seems to me that some people can totally block out the sexual content of hugging when they are hugging someone they don’t want to have sex with.

For me, I am always aware that this is a hug, and if I were hugging someone different, this hug would mean something different. It makes it a little weird, feeling like there is this split in my personality. I have to make sure that this part of me is shut down when I’m in this situation, and it is only in that situation that I can allow that side of me to exist.

It seems like this doesn’t really bother most people. They just accept it as the way things are. I find it bothersome, but I’m not sure why. I don’t want to be a lover with anyone other than the people I’m actually attracted to. And of course, since I’m married, there is really only one person I am allowed to have sexual feelings towards.

But I also don’t like pretending my sexual existence doesn’t exist at any time except when I’m with my wife, in private. It does exist, but suppressing it feels like I’m turning a golden ring into a dull brass ring. Life is so much more deadened without that element in the mix.