What do you do when you know the relationship is over?

It’s over. I’ve known it for awhile, but always kept hoping that the flame would appear. It hasn’t. I think he knows it too. The problem is that we live together, but are both moving to different cities soon for work related matters. He is convinced we will make it work.

My question is how do you destroy someone who has done no wrong? How do you throw the person that has been there for you for thick and thin under the bus? Why does it feel so terrible? Am I scared, weak, insecure?

I have finally had the revelation that something needs to be done. This is a truly “it’s me” situation. Why aren’t good looks and a kind personality enough to keep things together?

The past month I have been travelling around the world. I ended up in the same part of the world as someone I have corresponded with for many years. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway, and of course we met. Life is too short, right?

Everything was sublime. We talked all night, watched the sun rise and walked through empty cobblestone streets, stealing kisses in empty doorways on the way to where I was staying. It was passionate, erotic and simply divine. I have never had such an experience. I finally felt alive, intrigued and ravenous for more.

The night ended outside where I was staying. We both knew we couldn’t take it any further, so we didn’t. But we wanted to. I still want to, I don’t feel any regrets.

Really, the fact is not that I want to leave my relationship to start a new one with this person. It’s that I felt alive. I forgot what that felt like! I want to feel this more often, rather than stifled in a situation I don’t want to be in. I know even what I did crossed the line disastrously, but sometimes bad timing doesn’t matter.

I don’t think I can go back to my old life and relationship after such an experience. Is it so bad to be selfish for yourself? I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend but now I realise by staying with him, I’m hurting myself and in turn hurting him.

Have any of you felt this way? I felt a need to write about this experience, I feel like every one of my nerves is alert and its wonderful. It is so good to know that I can still feel like this.