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(Warning, extremly long) Could you give me some feedback for my story?
I had a writing assignment at home. I had to write a story beginning with “Carla looked at the car in surprise”. I’ve done it but I don’t know if there are any errors in my story (plot holes, word usages, sentence structure…) Can anybody here read my story and give me some feedback?
Here’s the story:
Carla looked at the car in surprise. The green car, her family’s car, was parking at the other side of the road, only about five meters from the house where she went out. It appeared to be empty, and there was no sign of its driver having parked it in a hurry. Her mind was filled with questions. She heard herself asking in her thought: “How could that possible?” and “No, could it be…?”
Carla and James were married after about three months of dating. James used to be the type of man Carla liked: polite, hardworking, sweet… all the personalities of a “Mr. Right”. Or at least that was what she used to picture. After a great honeymoon and their house built, they started working for a good income. They were not rich, but life was beautiful. Every morning the couple always woke up together, ate breakfast and went to work, together. After work, Carla and James did the housework and cooked the meal together. At dinner they talked and laughed about the work, the normal life, the future… The day always ended with the couple kissing each other before lying on the bed. Apart from the working hours, they were always together almost everyday. A peaceful family life was all Carla needed. The low income, the poor-condition house… she did not care, as long as the peaceful life went on and James was with her.
But it did not last for long. It all started with the promotion James got, for which reason, Carla did not know (and did not care). James was happy because he could get more money for the family. But more money meant more work, and that was the problem. James had to work for longer hours, go to conferences and sometimes even work in another city. He ended up having less time to spend with Carla. It was became more and more uncommon for Carla to wake up alone, go to work alone, go back home alone and sometimes sleep alone. The family got richer and was able to buy a good car, but Carla was not at all happy. She did not need the money. She only needed love. She only needed to be with James, to talk and laugh with him at dinner, to kiss him before bed, like the old days. She once complained with James about this problem. James agreed to them all, but also stated that it was a kind of “sacrifice” he had to make for a better family. James loved her, Carla knew, but she really did not expect him to show it that way. Time went by, and James became a workaholic. It now seemed to Carla that James enjoyed the work more than her. Carla became more and more upset. She felt as if she was losing him. Where had the old happy life gone?
And then Jack came. Carla first met him as a new manager of her company. She was lucky enough to be chosen from about 23 women of the company to be his secretary. Jack was quite gentle and friendly as a boss and soon he and Carla began exchanging about their personal lives. Jack was single, despite being the same age at James. He was quite outgoing and always willing to listen to other people’s opinion. Carla told him she was married, but was not very satisfied with the family life. Jack was sympathetic. He told her to tell him more, in case he could help, but that was all she said, as she was never willing to share much about her private life to stranger. As time went by, their relationship developed. Carla gradually became bored of her awful family, and got more and more eager to go to work. At work, Jack was Carla’s boss, but at recess, after work and when nobody was around, he became her caring friend. They talked about life, work and love. Jack did not seem to hide anything from Carla. He told her almost everything about his private life, a clear contract to Carla. Jack also tried to be as gallant as possible. Whenever Carla needed help, he was always there. Carla did not know if Jack had fallen for her or not, but she had already got a place for him in her heart. To her, Jack was a “superior” version of James: friendlier, more open-minded, more caring, and most of all, richer – as a result he could have more time as a good friend than a worker, the exact thing Carla needed. The happy couple had done a very good job keeping their relationship a secret too. Nobody in the company was aware of it, let alone James (which was a relief for Carla).
One day, Jack said to Carla, in a sincere manner, that he wanted to know her even better, to spend even more time with her. He asked her if she could arrange a date with him, at his home – where nobody could see. She said, after some hesitation, she would love to, and tried to find the time. Three days later, James announced that he would go on a business trip at a far-away city, much further than any city he had been, in a week’s time. His voice seemed unemotional to Carla. This man is becoming more and more addicted to his job, Carla thought, and he is neglecting me too, as if he thought I do not exist here with him. Carla just smile, as she usually did, and wished him a good journey. That was all of their conversation. James went to bed. Carla looked at him as he went. Never mind, Carla said to herself, I myself have to go on a “business trip” too.
Today was Sunday, and Carla woke up alone, as usual. James must have gone on his latest business trip. She was used to be alone for a long time, and today there was nothing unusual. But for some reason, today she feel much more excited. She was full of energy, the energy she could not find the source. She did her things more quickly. She skipped the morning exercise. She ate breakfast so quickly that she almost choked. When she was fully prepared, she went to the closet, chose one of her best dresses – she had not worn anything so nice since James’ first promotion, and walked out of the house. She drew out a piece of paper. There was an address written on it. It is not very far away from here, she thought, I can manage without our car.
Carla knocked the door. Almost immediately Jack opened it. Jack was in an expensive black suit, perhaps his best suit. There was also a smell of perfume from his body. He looked even more manly and polite than he usually did in the company. Carla quickly came in and Jack closed the door. The living room was enormous. There were two big sofa around the three corners of the house and a glass table in the middle, above which a big antique celling light was hanging. On the walls were some famous paintings, every single of which Carla knew could cost more than her house. The room was also incredibly clean, everything was in order and there was not a speck of dirt around – an incredible feat for such a single man. Carla had never been in a marvelous room like this before. Carla sat down on the sofa. Jack brought two glasses of his finest wine and sat down opposite her. Jack began asking Carla more about her private life and surprisingly she was more willing to answer his questions. She told him about James, about their previous happy relationship and how a promotion gradually ruined everything. She told him about James’ negligence toward his wife and how disappointed she was getting day by day. She said to him she only wanted a normal but happy family life, not a rich but cold life James seemed to be trying to achieve. Jack listened with a sympathetic silence.
When she had finished, Jack asked only one question: why did she not just file a divorce and start finding another better husband, especially after meeting him? That one question, simple as it might be, mysteriously hit Carla hard, as if she had not expect it. She found herself at a loss for word for a while. She thought she now had to face the question: who did she have to choose? She knew James. Even though he was a workaholic, or might have neglected her, he was still her husband. Moreover, he was not completely irresponsible. He did all of this just to improve the family. Carla was disappointed with him, but she still loved him. It was just the fact he did not care much about her feeling that got on her nerve. As to Jack, he was a great person. She knew she had a special feeling toward him, but she had never considered him a real lover. She still could not gave up her love toward James. She only saw Jack as a good friend who cared for her. But deep down, there was another part of her mind that wanted her to leave James and get to Jack as soon as possible. Jack got many things that outmatched James, he could give her a better life, a life that she always dreamed of. But as a wife, Carla knew what it would mean to do that. She just could not stand the idea of betraying the one she loved. The true reason why she could not file a divorce after all these years was that she could not choose between the two men: a caring husband who happened to upset his wife while trying to improve their life, and a promising friend who could be a good husband. After a moment of thinking, she told Jack she was afraid of James, given the fact that their relationship was a secret to everyone. Jack said if she wanted to, he could draw a plan that would help her leave James without much harm. It sounded both promising and worrying to Carla. She would love to join Jack, but her love to James and her conscience prevented her. Unable to make up her mind, Carla told Jack she needed to reconsider, and would inform him later, which Jack agreed. When Carla was about to leave, Jack said he loved her and would like to have a wife like her in his house, but he had no intention to steal her from another man. He just suggested the idea because she was not satisfied with her current life and he just tried to help. If she agreed, it would be great; and if not, it was nothing wrong, he understood. Carla left the house, still full of questions and uncertainty.
And now she stood there, looking at the car, in surprise.