Why do I always want answers, and a better understanding?

I can’t move on from an experience or event if I don’t break things down and understand them elaborately. I feel intense anxiety for things and people I don’t fully comprehend. The flip side is that every other year I realise so much, that the past becomes this blur of mistakes I could’ve done better if I had known before. Its troubling me, because its telling how my experiences now will be just another bowl of mistake for the me in two years.

I always wonder whether its possible for things to be different if I ‘woulda, shoulda, coulda’. Living with such burden, and being aware of the endless exploration on my way gives me a sense of unsafety and anxiety.

Why do I always have to know the better thing to do? Why do I have to understand humans better? Where is this thirst coming from? Being an incredibly emotional person who often act on them and disregard real consequences, this seems a dangerous and self-destructive way to live – out of touch with reality in a sense. The urge to understanding and knowing is immense, yet I am like a fragile child who can’t stop dwelling on things.

Why am I a burst of emotion and wonder? Is this an unattractive quality? Are people who I see every day the same way, but they hide it better (people I redeem ‘normal’ and sociable, according to social standards)?