Should I get back together with my ex?

We went out for 7 years and have been separated for a year. In that time we’ve both hurt each other beyond measure, dated other people, learned a lot about ourselves, and still have not been able to let go at all… At this point, I don’t know if it’s stupidity or love…

But I do know something has changed in me recently. For some reason I’m thinking differently than I ever have. I suddenly see all the things I never did for her. All the things she needed that, in many cases, I purposefully withheld.

To give some idea of what I’m talking about…
I never gave her a reason to be good to me other than for my own enjoyment or approval. I see how wrong that is. I’m supposed to be so good to her that she wants to be so good to me. I know some of you have to be shaking your head right now… I know… I’ve been selfish and blind. I don’t know why.

I’ve never been a very nurturing person to her. My experience of nurturing has mostly been to have my options explained to me.
“If you want ___ then you need ___, ___, & ___. If that’s what you really want then go get those things. If not, don’t be upset when you don’t get ___.”
For me it was all I needed. It’s an acceptable form of help just to have the path laid out where you can’t see it, IF you grew up with good parents who taught you how to be an adult. But she didn’t. Her home life has always been awful…

A great example of where both these shortcomings meet is in the fact that we’ve never honest to god lived together. She’s been stuck in a hole that her parents birthed her into (they’re meth heads). I, on the other hand, have a great family who raised me to be capable of moving out on my own at 17. I paid my own way through school, keep jobs for years, move up with the experience, and have generally made a pretty good life for myself. She was 23 at that time… Her “mom” lived in the garage with her ex-convict boyfriend leaching off the dad who hates his life but won’t do anything about it because he’s completely given up. Their house has been raided twice that I know of, and the conditions are about what you’d expect of meth addicts. I knew she needed to get out of that house. I TOLD her so. I explained what it would take to move out and how to make more money. I explained how to keep a job you hate so you can move up, and what fields would allow such progress (and how far) without a degree. I explained all this like I had it explained to me. And to a lot of people, that would be enough. I even gave her money for a class or two. I was being very nurturing, but only in my own way. Only through advice, not help. I expected her to take the information and run with it. Achieve or don’t. So many times I saw her straying from the path she choose and getting upset about it not working. I continued trying to explaining all the reasons it wasn’t working, but by that time I was often so frustrated with her myself that it basically just came out as berating her for everything she’d done wrong. Afterwards, she would feel worse not better. Instead of renewed hope and drive, she got a sense of disappointment and my conditional love. I see now that’s not what she needed. She was, still is, in one of those unfortunate muddy holes that most people never escape without a helping hand, uncanny fortune, or sheer willpower against all odds. I wanted her to be the person who had the willpower to beat the odds on her own. Despite loving her, I realize now it was only for my own peace of mind. I wanted to know she could achieve what I had, on her own, so I could count her as equal. I wanted her to achieve it solely for my approval and enjoyment. So I never threw her a line… I like to think I’m a person who, given her circumstances, would quickly overcome and still achieve what I have now. But there’s no way to know. I don’t know what it’s like to deal with all she has. I don’t know what it’s like not to have self-confidence and all the crucial life skills you get from a descent upbringing. And it would never be equal. Her’s is a further more difficult distance to travel.

At the time, I had a 2 bedroom apt to myself… Easy solution right? If you love someone in a horrible situation, and have the means to help, of course you help them right? But I didn’t… Not without “good” reason, I thought. My narrow perspective at the time was that it’s an important life experience to live on your own, and to do it alone so you can understand what it takes and be proud of yourself. We had conversations about living together (she basically lived there as it was) but I always stuck to that philosophy. In many ways, I still agree with the sentiment, but now only for certain people. There are those who do need help… Someone drowning doesn’t need advice on their stroke, they need someone to jump in and save them. I feel so bad for never jumping in and only just realizing it now.
Just being rid of that house would have given her a place to think clearer. To live a normal life for once, and be free of the insanity and hostility “home” meant to her. To have a safe welcoming place to be at the end of a day. In many ways, I think it would have broken the barrier of true adulthood that’s kept her from achieving her potential all these years, or at least given her a place to try. Or at least showed I cared and believed in her… When I look at it all now, I want to be that person! I would enjoy doing those things for her. And I would have enjoyed it back then too, but I was too consumed with the selfish anxiety of if she was worth it for me. Wasn’t sure she was hot or smart enough. Wasn’t sure I didn’t want to be with someone else. Wasn’t sure I was ready to settle down. A million questions and reasons to not give her everything, and not a single one of them unselfish…

Basically, what I thought was, “If she can’t do this on her own then she’s not the person I thought she was. Here you have it; proof, again and again, that she’ll never rise to the potential you see in her. A good partner is someone who can make it at least this far on their own, so you can go twice as far together.”

What I think now is, “Knowing now that you never gave her what she needed, what would happen if you did? If you help her and she grows past this stunted period because of it, is that somehow lesser? She’s just about everything you ever wanted. 7 years have past and you find her even more attractive than ever. Anytime we have sex, it’s like the first time in months, even if the last time was hours ago. She absolutely adores you. All the qualities of hers that you love are hers alone… You’ll never find them all in one place again. If you help, and she goes on to achieve great things and you get to have a happy life together is that somehow not good enough? Of course it is!”

And this… All this is just one example of my epiphany. There are others, and still more with these same qualities painted on a different backdrops in just as devastating a fashion. Some smaller and more frequent. Crummy birthday gifts. Lack of comfort in times of pain or fear. All the little things I never did, as you might imagine…

The downside to all this is that 7 years is already a long time to try to make something work. Granted, now I know I wasn’t really trying… But what if it’s all for not? How much more time can I spend on this… I’m afraid of the humiliation and judgment I would have to endure from friends and family if I relapse on this relationship again. I’ve been pretty mean about her since the breakup. I’ve been very good at hating her and making her out to be more of a monster than she deserves. I don’t know if I could explain so that anyone would approve let alone understand the decision to be with her again. They’ve seen me too hurt too many times… What if these aren’t the reasons we failed? Or what if they are the reasons and I just can’t be the nurturing person she wants/needs? We’d both have to end current relationships and forgive to make this work now. Would the pain of that overshadow our new beginning? If we did get back together, is moving her in the right option? __Hey this never worked before, let’s take an even bigger step~!!__ smh…
I just don’t know.

If anyone made it this far, sorry for the essay…
Honestly, I think this was more for me to get my thoughts down than anything else. Advice and opinions are still very much appreciated, but I don’t really expect anyone to read that whole thing. Thank you if you did. Sorry if it was tedious.