How to live when everything seems falling apart?

They say that nobody is perfect. So this is true. I am no perfect. I’ve made a huge mistake a few years ago and I ruined everything related to my life.

I am at loggerheads with my friends group. We used to do everything together. We were like night and day. One day I got into an argument (totally silly) with one of them and this is the day we stopped seeing each others. I made it a matter of pride and no one seems to care enough to take the first step for the peace. So here we are! It’s been many years since this scene happened and I’ve been missing them like hell that I haven’t given my life enough attention in years.

At first, my pride push me as far away as it can. So everything looked fine and still is looking good but something was/is always missing when I laugh, when I cry, when I remember the dearest moments of a lifetime. The missing part was and is them. All of our memories and moments intertwined. I am living in the past no matter how hard I try to turn my face to the future and its possibilities and it makes me feeling blue all the time. (I scared to get into deppression)

I always wanted to apologize for what happened because it was a silly mistake. I honestly don’t know what kept me from apologizing or trying to fix the problems with them all these years. But I know that each day, each month, each year estranged me from their life. And I was scared/concerned to learn their reaction whether they were able to forgive me or not. I needed to apologize to them because my mind started running away with itself and unfolding all the endless implications of this, every one of them causing my gut to sink and for me to miss them so much even though they’d just been here. I was never going to talk to them again, we were never going to laugh at silly things again, we were never eating dinner again, we were never going to abroad together again, or talk during meeting at work again. It just kept going and going as I realised that this wasn’t just friends group I’d lost, I’d lost a million things, something that was meant to be this constant presence was gone and nothing would ever be as good as it should be again.

So last week I started to see them in my dreams for seven days(!) and I apologized all of them and told them I was genuinely sorry for what I did and If it was possible, I could have travel back in time to reverse everything.

To apologize sincerely is harder than to commit a crime in my perspective because you need the courage to face the inner self and it really was an forgivable mistake but it’s been week nobody answered my email.

I assume I need to move on with my life finally? At least I won’t live with my regrets of not apologizing to them anymore. But it hurts they won’t like to face this issue anymore (I know it’s been years but at least they could be able to say that stay away, I guess) What hurts to most is having so much to say and seeing that not loving me. It is really hard to deal with the pain of losing them everywhere I go and harder living with this regret.

I am still hopeful and I need to start enjoying the life’s smallest thing again. Please enlight me with your thoughts.