Question about a YouTube video (Ben Phillips)

I need to translate this video, but there are some parts I can’t hear clearly.

What did the man say at 0:11,1:35 and 2:29 in this video? https://youtu.be/vciMFQqP_R4

It sounds like:
1. The idea is I light it, Elliot stamps it out, and he gets load of poop all over his foot.
2. You’re lucky I didn’t call the police on you and the bloo** _.
3. I just had to bloo** do the number 9911 whatever you call it! I worked like 5 months _ of _. (If it’s correct, what is “number 9911”?)