Was I emotionally abused?

I feel like it’s a strange question but it’s something that my girlfriend got me thinking.

Whenever I spend a weekend at her place, I’m on the edge because I think every text and phone call I get is from my mom complaining about something. I can’t ever feel 100% at ease – in the back of my mind, I’m prepared for the worst.

I described this to my girlfriend and she said, “That sounds like abuse.”

When I was in high school, I loved a girl that my parents didn’t like because she was raped. They said her rape was her fault and she got herself in trouble and she was therefore a bad influence on me. Of course, I didn’t take it lightly and continued trying to see her behind their backs.

This resulted in a several-years-long battle in trying to be with my ex behind my parents’ back. I’d often get in trouble, and when I did, they scolded me and took away my phone and computer. I grew up through my adolescence with a program that they installed on my computer that would shut down at 11pm everyday. I had to prove my goodness and then I would get “tokens” for extra computer time.

The lowest point was when they threatened to not send me to my college of choice if I still pursued my ex. My Dad is a staunch critic of community college, and so he threatened to send me there. When I was caught yet again texting my ex, he told me one morning to get dressed because he was taking me to the nearby community college to check out their campus. As we walked on the campus, he said, “Look at all these kids here. They’re shit for being here. So you must be shit too if you associate yourself with them.”

This whole situation ended after I entered college. Mom gave up and Dad stopped caring.

But I noticed that it may have greatly impacted my negative feelings towards family in general.

My current gf is INCREDIBLY family-oriented, and I find that INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. It’s the only real topic of friction. I HAVE tried hard to go through with family gatherings with her family but I am IMMENSELY UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOT OKAY with her visiting my family.

My mom never liked anyone that I was interested in. After I started a relationship with my current girlfriend, I thought Mom would cool down. No. She remained the same. She read into every little thing that my gf did. My gf is a naturally messy person, and when she stayed over one day she had her luggage zipped open in the guest room and a bra was hanging out. After she left, my mom lectured me about how girls send messages to boys and their moms about wanting a baby. According to my Mom, my gf leaving out her bra hanging like that was a subliminal message that she was using me to get a child, and if she got pregnant then I had to be with her.

One weekend when I was away with my gf, my mom called me up. She was upset because when she left mail on my desk, she happened upon a sexy letter correspondence that my gf and I wrote between each other. We talked about sex stuff on it. Mom was appalled and warned me not to get in trouble. Afterwards, she had a talk with me again and said that I was in denial about being in trouble, so my subconscious left that note on my desk for her to find as a cry for help.

There are numerous other occasions but basically every time I spend a weekend at my gf’s, I have this inner anxiety that Mom is somehow, someway, going to complain about something, and my mood will be ruined. I’ve gone through baby steps. I stopped lying to my mom about hanging out with my gf so often and that helped somewhat. But I still have so much more to go and it’s very agonizing.

It doesn’t help at all that I find very eerie similar circumstances between my family and my gf’s family. Our mothers both have the same birthday and act the same, albeit my mother is much more extreme than hers. Our fathers are both having affairs and treat our mothers like shit. Despite this, my gf is still close to her family whereas I am not. They still go out on many vacations together and have a much bigger extended family than I ever had.

I am disappointed in myself for not getting over this hesitance with inviting her to family gatherings. There’s no good reason other than “I don’t want to.” I want to just leave my family be and have our own lives and make my own family. My family loves to be on a high horse and is very judgmental. My uncle once brusquely asked my gf about her teaching degree, “And what are you gonna do with THAT?” It’s very uncomfortable even though Mom has finally softened up over years. I know that deep down inside she thinks, “I’d rather you find someone else.”