Oh boy, fluther. Can you help me with this friend problem?

This is kinda long, so enter at your own risk.

My wife has a male friend (let’s call him Tom) who she has been friends with since high school. We were all friends for many years and then he married and we became friends with his wife (let’s call her Jan). My wife has never liked her for various reasons, but puts up with her for the sake of Tom. I gave her a bit more of a chance, but in the end I realized that she is a selfish, manipulative user who really only cares about her own well-being and not that of others, even her husband.

Jan and I work together and she talks to me about the problems she is having with Tom. They are separated and are thinking about divorcing. She is prolonging the anguish that Tom is going through. I hear the things she says, the excuses she makes, the decisions that she refuses to tell her husband about and I am at the point where I just want to tell Tom what is really up. He was my friend first, and I actually like him, and he has been my wife’s friend for almost 20 years.

Usually, I stay out of people’s relationships, but Jan is just not a very good person and Tom is the nicest guy. While she freaks out, lies, creates problems, refuses to compromise, he is doing everything to save a marriage. Jan expects Tom to make all the compromises so she can be happy. She talks about him like he is obligated to do anything and everything to make her happy.

As an aside she has psychological issues and uses them as an excuse for everything.

I so want to talk to Tom and let him know what I know. He doesn’t deserve what is happening, but I also feel like I should just stay out of it. If I lose Tom as a friend that will effect his friendship with my wife (maybe); at this point my wife and I don’t even see Tom anymore because my wife dislikes Jan soo much.

Help? I want to tell Tom so bad. About 10% of me is holding back because I cannot predict the fall out. What should I do?

I’m not usually one to keep my opinions to myself, as you know.