Is he single/interested?

I’m incredibly confused about a man I’ve had a crush on for 7 years. We are both on the autism spectrum, so neither of us are great at communication. Hence why I’m asking complete srtangers on the internet for advice.

We met at a tech convention initially and he ended up getting a job at my company a year later. We were colleagues for 4 years in the same team and got on incredibly well as we both had similar interests, personalities, family background, health issues, values, fetishes (yep), sense of humour, etc and were attracted to one another physically (weirdly, I reminded him of his mum and he reminded me of my dad). We had so much in common that it was crazy. Even down to minor things like favourite foods and interior design preferences! We spent the whole time chatting and flirting.

However, we had both ended horrible relationships a few years prior and had rebounded into new relationships with incompatible partners immediately afterwards. When we met again at my company, we had both moved in with our new partners and felt stuck financially and emotionally. Neither of us were/are married or with children, but at the time we had homes with our partners and breaking up was very difficult as we couldn’t afford to move out.

I didn’t fully realise how much he liked me until someone told me after he was moved to another office, so I never said anything concrete to him. So he didn’t realise how I felt either. Plus both of us were already living with other people so morally it was difficult for either of us to make a move.

I lost touch with him for 2 years and felt terrible as a result. Once he had gone, it hit me just how hard I had fallen for him. I’ve never met anyone so compatible before or since. I’ve met guys I was physically attracted to, but no one that was so similar to me and ticked so many boxes at once. I was very depressed at the thought that I’d finally found someone I could realistically spend my life with (my other relationships have never been that deep) and then lost them.

I ended up splitting with my ex, which was inevitable anyway, but after moping about for a year I decided to do my best to move on with life. I signed up to every dating site I could find and met other men, I threw myself into a new career path, I planned my cousin’s wedding, I was involved in charity work and went out and socialised. I did everything I could to keep busy and get over him. But every few weeks I’d have some dream or someone/something would remind me of him randomly. I’ve never been able to get him out of my head. I also never met any other men who are even half as compatible (which isn’t a surprise, as I hadn’t before I met him either). Before meeting him I was very practical about dating and was willing to just settle down with an ‘ok’ partner who I was at least attracted to. My expectations weren’t that high. Recently it’s got to the point where I can’t face dating other people any more, as no one else interests me and I don’t think it’s fair on the guys I meet.

A year ago my sister found out about this crush and got hold of my laptop while I was out and added him to my friends list. I was angry but didn’t expect him to respond so forgot about it. However, a few days later he accepted, although he didn’t say anything. I was upset to see he was still dating the same woman, although still not married. But in the year since he has commented on various photos and liked random things I’ve posted, so I’m unsure of how serious his relationship is now. His ‘status’ is hidden, but two people have referred to his ‘Mrs’ or ‘girlfriend’ occasionally (I know they definitely aren’t married) and he has a few photos of her on there. I have tried to avoid being a stalker, and rarely like or comment on his page, as I don’t want to ruin his relationship if he has now fixed things and wants to stay with her. I also have no idea if he still likes me as it’s been a few years.

I have tried to view his relationship objectively (and have discussed it with people who knew the both of us). His girlfriend is not what I was expecting at all and is very different to what he used to tell me he generally liked in women. She isn’t that attractive, has put on weight since they met and let herself go a bit, is quite demanding and dependent on him, has a very different background, personality, and interests, and seems completely at odds with him in many ways. I know that he has self esteem issues due to his previous relationship, so maybe he thinks he won’t find anyone else. But it may be that he enjoys that she is very different and is just in a temporary ‘rut’ but still wants to be with her, and I don’t want to seem overly friendly and wreck things for him. Regardless of the state of their relationship, it isn’t my place to decide for him or get involved.

In the last couple of months he has posted a lot more photos and updates on there in response to my own increased activity. Although the two may not be related. However, recently he added a cryptic status comment about break ups being hard to deal with, then deleted it soon after. I don’t know if that was a reference to himself or just a random throw away remark. A week ago his girlfriend liked one of his posts, so I don’t think they are split up right now. He also sounds annoyed a lot of the time when he posts things, so I get the impression he isn’t happy in general (whether it’s due to his relationship specifically I don’t know).

I feel as though I’m in limbo right now. Part of me wants to keep quiet, stay friends, wait and see if his current relationship ends (without my involvement) and then I can say something to him without feeling guilty. The other part of me wants to delete/block him, dedicate my life to other things than dating/marriage and just try to deal with the fact that I’ve lost him and may not ever find someone else. Then there is my evil inner child that wants to message him, admit I really like him and risk either humiliation or potentially ruining his girlfriend’s life. I’ve never met her and have no bad feelings towards her as a person, so I would feel terrible doing this.

For now, I’ve tried to avoid posting too much personal stuff on Facebook so he doesn’t have much reason to communicate with me. I’ve hidden most of my photos and other things and avoid going on there most days (although I have family and friends on there too, so it’s not always avoidable). I still can’t stop thinking about him though. The lack of closure is the biggest issue. I wish there was some way to know for sure that he doesn’t like me, has no interest in being with me, is happy with his girlfriend and there is zero potential for anything to happen. Then I would be hurt but at least I’d know without ruining anything. Right now I’m just in a low level depression and feel like the rest of my life is on hold too.